The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible)
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#3.
I Thought She Was a Prostitute, But She Was My Daughter-in-Law!
Try to find all the things wrong in this passage, from Gen. 38:15-16:
You'd think the Bible would've just edited out all of the misconceptions involving veils, considering how many times people accidentally have sex with the wrong person in this book. Pesky veils, and now our only excuses are ... like ... alcohol, right, Lot?
Of course us modern westerners probably don't realize the kind of impact a veil can have on a relationship. Our women are free to just walk around with their faces flapping in the wind, heralding their identity to the world. You have to hand it to the countries where women still wear veils: it must be a lot easier to write sitcom episodes that revolve around wacky cases of mistaken identity. To Make it Even Weirder... Note that the frisky femme above is the same femme (Tamar) who got to witness Onan being slain by the LORD for coitus interruptus. Getting right back on that horse, Tamar! Only instead of a horse, it's Judah--Onan's dad. Score! If you don't think that's hot, you've ... never been to a really drunk family reunion where everyone's wearing veils and no one is aware it's a family reunion. #2.
Solomon Gives Boobies 10 Fingers Up
Solomon's Song, which he creatively titled Song of Solomon, was mostly about boobies. The below references can be seen in 1:13, and 2:6, and 4:5, and 4:16, and 5:4, and 7:7-8 . . . and 8:10... OK, the whole thing was pretty much "Titties, titties, I love titties." Take a look:
Damn. We don't know why this is in the Bible, and we don't care! If Danielle Steele wants to write songs about Solomons and throbbing members and shit, who are we to tell her no? Not Biblical scholars, that's who. If Soloman had stuck around to write the whole Bible, we might've gotten a more ripped Jesus and bodice cleavage so awesome it deserves a cinematic vehicle all its own.
The reference to women with tower-breasts has caused some confusion, though. Since we prefer a literal interpretation, we think Solomon's concubines had breasts that were three stories tall with look-out posts in the cleavage. Either way, the Bible is a bigger supporter of breasts than a push-up bra. If you don't like that, then you can be the one to explain to God why you chose to illustrate every book of the Bible except this one. To Make it Even Weirder... Here's a challenge: see if you can envision any possible metaphor for 5:4, "My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him". #1.
Gods and Girls
So you'll notice that most of these are from Genesis, the early days of the Bible when apparently mankind was first experimenting with just how creepy and weird sex could get. But probably nothing in the book tops what happens in Genesis 6:4:
Just to be clear, because there is some confusion: we here at Cracked are not doctors. We know a suspicious amount of information about sex, yes, and are pithy like House, but are not technically "doctors."
This did not deter the women of the day, who may have gone along with the whole thing based on a preconception about giants and giant genitalia. We're guessing that didn't last long, as thresholds for pain eventually give way and even if they don't, vaginas do. And nine months later, surprise! You're giving birth to a veritable six-year-old! Hope you've been having so much giant-sex in the meantime that your vagina is approximately as passable as a Slip N Slide, because that's going to come in handy when Junior runs out of it, already holding a Nerf ball.
To Make it Even Weirder... This happens right before God causes the famous flood that destroys everything on the earth (except for Noah and everybody on his boat). So of all the perversions mankind has ever invented, it appears the giant sex was the one thing that was just too weird for God, to the point that everyone else had to suffer for it. Nice going, guys. For more reasons to stay awake in Church check out 5 Superpowers From the Bible That Put Marvel and DC to Shame or find out about The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses. |
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However, we did take fifth grade science, which probably mentioned Gregor Mendel and his famous pea study. In case you haven't taken fifth grade science, it basically something about how ... when two things ... and then ... something about traits. Like we said, we're not doctors. We do know that the baby of an African person and a Chinese person looks kind of African and kind of Chinese; from this we can infer that the baby of a giant and a woman would look kind of like a HUGE baby. 
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RE: Nate212 and anyone else who has mentioned Revelation's "Harlot," this is actually symbolism anthropomorphizing false religion as a whole. The kings of the earth that she has relations with are just that, the governments of earth. I'll probably get slammed for this, but look at Catholicism and the Germanic Empire, or really any religion that has either sponsored the ruler of a nation, taken the rulership itself, or even prayed for the soldiers in a war - same god being prayed to on both sides kinda cancels it out, don't you think? Especially since, according to Jesus sermons, we should all be practicing neutrality.
She also has relations with the merchants, amassing great wealth for herself. Commercialized religion.
She's also known as the World Empire of False Religion, and will be slaughtered by the Wild Beast, which also depicts world government. I can explain why, but it would take too much room. Just know that there has been a Bill in front of the UN for some time now that would basically create a civil action against religion. Stationary at the moment, but in order for Armageddon to come, the events described around that portion of Revelation need to take place. The things after that are what comes after the Great Tribulation, namely, progression toward a perfect earth and perfect human life on it.
Here's a challenge: see if you can envision any possible metaphor for 5:4, "My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him".
I could be wrong, but I've read that, at the time, the bowels were considered the organ from which emotions come forth. Even though we know today emotions come from the brain, we still use the phrase "heart" to represent our emotions, so, if you replace the word "bowels" with "heart" (and "was" for "were") it makes more since. As for the other part, well....
:)
Being a non-Christian, stories like these always made me have to lock my jaws whenever I was dragged to church.
Great selection of stories. I actually went and got one of the Bibles that are still somehow in my house and looked through Song of Solomon. The wording was slightly different, but the meaning was the same. Thanks for the laugh.
I'm surprised you didn't mention what happened with Lot and his daughters before the cave incident. When the men came to Lot's house (in Sodom, I think) to rape the angel (or angels, depending on the translation), Lot offered them his daughters in an effort to protect his guest(s).
So, I call what went down in the cave a little bit of karma.
yeah it shocks me to find people shocked with this stuff.
You guys should one about blood and gore in the Bible- even more of that in it and some awesome ass kicking stories!
READ YOUR BIBLE!
The story of onan isn't against Coitus interuptus or Masturbation (not saying the bible is pro-masturbation) but the reason God smited Onan is because He said He must fulfill the jewish ritual of giving his brothers widow a child, but instead He slooged on the ground because all he wanted was the sex not the responsibility.
I knew I wasnt weird for jerking off to the bible
You know female masturbation probably wasn't mentioned in the bible because its writers didn't know it existed....
As for the song of Solomon...wtf?
The spawn of the "sons of God" were angels that came to Earth and "raped" our women spawning these giants that were described as monsters. God condemns these angels and as such they become demons. Bible stories rock!
Im really a cougar ,i love yongers men .This side give me more creative adias to make sex be more creative and have fun with it.Im 48 and my partners are 32,and 34 years old .I love it!
That is just messed up.
Oh, CRAP... talk about needing to take my own medicine... I was scanning the page and I didn't see the part where you said, "This particular verse was taken slightly out-of-context when it gave birth to "onanism," which refers to both coitus interruptus and masturbation."
From now on, I expect I'll be reading a little more carefully.
Apologies.
I'd like to comment that the Bible is often misinterpreted. Whoever said that Onan got killed for masturbation obviously never read the passage very thoroughly.
According to the Mosaic law at the time, when his brother died, Onan was supposed to bang his late brother's wife, and give her children.
However, it appears that Onan pulled out at the last second, thus "spilling his seed" on the ground, to prevent having children with his brother's wife. Why? 'Cause he wouldn't want to share his first wife's children's inheritance, most likely. There could have been other reasons.
God killed Onan for selfishness, most likely. I simply refuse to believe that God would have created something as life-saving as masturbation, or as awesome as mutual masturbation, only to kill us for doing it.
Wow. Thats just disturbing.
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Near the end of King David's life they also tried to revive him with hookers, which did not work IIRC.
I knew quite a few Mormon missionaries growing up, and there was a common joke among them that they'd have to glue the Song of Solomon shut in their Bibles, lest they stumble across it and find themselves... um, distracted from their work.
The *second* funniest thing about the Song - those who allege it's supposed to be an allegory of God's relationship with his church, which elsewhere is portrayed as one of bride and groom. Yeah, sorry, but God has clearly proven that he fully endorses getting one's freak on. Within marriage, that is.
One good theory I'd heard was that it's written from the perspective of a young man and woman about to be married, and the sweaty, steamy anticipation leading to it. Wow.
Onan's sin was not about masturbation. It was about not giving his dead brother an heir to inherit his wealth.
As for Lot: that story may have been political propaganda. It was not written contemporaneously, but when the israelites were at war with the midianites. Or after. Or something.
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Ezekiel chapter 23. Just look it up. Do it.