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The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible)
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#3.
I Thought She Was a Prostitute, But She Was My Daughter-in-Law!
Try to find all the things wrong in this passage, from Gen. 38:15-16:
You'd think the Bible would've just edited out all of the misconceptions involving veils, considering how many times people accidentally have sex with the wrong person in this book. Pesky veils, and now our only excuses are ... like ... alcohol, right, Lot?
Of course us modern westerners probably don't realize the kind of impact a veil can have on a relationship. Our women are free to just walk around with their faces flapping in the wind, heralding their identity to the world. You have to hand it to the countries where women still wear veils: it must be a lot easier to write sitcom episodes that revolve around wacky cases of mistaken identity. To Make it Even Weirder... Note that the frisky femme above is the same femme (Tamar) who got to witness Onan being slain by the LORD for coitus interruptus. Getting right back on that horse, Tamar! Only instead of a horse, it's Judah--Onan's dad. Score! If you don't think that's hot, you've ... never been to a really drunk family reunion where everyone's wearing veils and no one is aware it's a family reunion. #2.
Solomon Gives Boobies 10 Fingers Up
Solomon's Song, which he creatively titled Song of Solomon, was mostly about boobies. The below references can be seen in 1:13, and 2:6, and 4:5, and 4:16, and 5:4, and 7:7-8 . . . and 8:10... OK, the whole thing was pretty much "Titties, titties, I love titties." Take a look:
Damn. We don't know why this is in the Bible, and we don't care! If Danielle Steele wants to write songs about Solomons and throbbing members and shit, who are we to tell her no? Not Biblical scholars, that's who. If Soloman had stuck around to write the whole Bible, we might've gotten a more ripped Jesus and bodice cleavage so awesome it deserves a cinematic vehicle all its own.
The reference to women with tower-breasts has caused some confusion, though. Since we prefer a literal interpretation, we think Solomon's concubines had breasts that were three stories tall with look-out posts in the cleavage. Either way, the Bible is a bigger supporter of breasts than a push-up bra. If you don't like that, then you can be the one to explain to God why you chose to illustrate every book of the Bible except this one. To Make it Even Weirder... Here's a challenge: see if you can envision any possible metaphor for 5:4, "My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him". #1.
Gods and Girls
So you'll notice that most of these are from Genesis, the early days of the Bible when apparently mankind was first experimenting with just how creepy and weird sex could get. But probably nothing in the book tops what happens in Genesis 6:4:
Just to be clear, because there is some confusion: we here at Cracked are not doctors. We know a suspicious amount of information about sex, yes, and are pithy like House, but are not technically "doctors."
This did not deter the women of the day, who may have gone along with the whole thing based on a preconception about giants and giant genitalia. We're guessing that didn't last long, as thresholds for pain eventually give way and even if they don't, vaginas do. And nine months later, surprise! You're giving birth to a veritable six-year-old! Hope you've been having so much giant-sex in the meantime that your vagina is approximately as passable as a Slip N Slide, because that's going to come in handy when Junior runs out of it, already holding a Nerf ball.
To Make it Even Weirder... This happens right before God causes the famous flood that destroys everything on the earth (except for Noah and everybody on his boat). So of all the perversions mankind has ever invented, it appears the giant sex was the one thing that was just too weird for God, to the point that everyone else had to suffer for it. Nice going, guys. For more reasons to stay awake in Church check out 5 Superpowers From the Bible That Put Marvel and DC to Shame or find out about The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses. |
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However, we did take fifth grade science, which probably mentioned Gregor Mendel and his famous pea study. In case you haven't taken fifth grade science, it basically something about how ... when two things ... and then ... something about traits. Like we said, we're not doctors. We do know that the baby of an African person and a Chinese person looks kind of African and kind of Chinese; from this we can infer that the baby of a giant and a woman would look kind of like a HUGE baby. 
wtf is up with lot. wasn't he chosen by god to leave an immoral city. blame it on the drink? are you kidding? good one lot. you can blame making out with your friends girlfriend on booze not f*****g your daughter. s**t
chck out the top ten worst condom ideas at studyandscore.blogspot.com
I would like to take a moment, as a student at a Christian college, taking classes in the Bible, to say, yes there is crazy sex stuff in the Bible. There are also some incredibly incorrect interpretations of the text that was used in this article. Since you are missing the historical background of these stories, you would be unaware that the women of the day were almost never seen by men unless they were married to them, hence mistaken identity. Also, there was a text used that I'm pretty sure is not in the Old Testament, but is indeed part of either the Apocrypha or Pseudopygrypha, which are not considered canon, such as Meghilla.
Other than that, good article!
In the post about giants, the giants are the children, not the fathers. The fathers were angels that saw the girls of the time and decided to forsake their place in Heaven to have sex with them. They then had children that came to be known as the Nephilim or Fellers of Men. By giant, they mean anything above average height, so most of the Nephilim were probably about 8 feet tall, not more than 12 like you seem to suggest. Which means the babies wouldn't have been that much larger that they'd break their mother. And you missed the story of David and Bathsheba, where he falls in love with her while watching her bath on her rooftop cough-exhibitionist-cough and then sends her husband to the front lines in the war when he finds out she's pregnant, beginning what can be considered one of the most pitiable parent-child relationships ever.
Oh, and by the way, yo umissed the story in Ezekiel when God is yelling at the "sisters" for sleeping with the Egyptians for their "genitals like those of donkeys" and their "emissions like that of horses." (Ezekiel 23:20)
A mother in my high school protested our AP Lit class reading Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" because it had sexual scenes in it. My teacher then said, "Well, you're not going to like this other book we're having your kids study... it has stories of a father sleeping with his daughters, brothers raping sisters, and women sleeping with men because they wanted big cocks." The mother was disgusted, and threatened to pull out her kid from our class, but Teach quickly threw in, "Yeah, that book is the Bible."
She shut up, and we all laughed. Silly fundamentalists.
WAT THE f**k IS WITH THIS HOW COME IVE NEVER HEARD THIS IN CHURCH?
Hey mashmallow, I believe that fmorris is right. They were just as twisted as we are today. Why do you think God sent the flood? The Bible says that Man had fallen into sexual depravity and into immoral acts with everything. Man's heart hasn't changed at all. Look at today's world.
Nice job Crypton,,,you're explaining biblical passages well. As for the DNA being exponentially degenerative back in the day, well, it wasn't. Back then, very few diseases existed because the generational gap between the old testaments folks and Adam was not very large. Remember that Adam was a perfect being until he sinned, but he maintained physical perfection after he sinned. He did die eventually. Our society today is so far removed from his generation and sin is so rampant, that we are corrupted physically and mentally and this is why we have so many diseases today in the world. We cause them ourselves by disobeying God's Holy Bible for doing what he wished for us to live by. If we had for the past 3000 years, we wouldn't be in the world of hurt that we are in today. It's the old saying, "we made our bed, now we have to sleep in it". God didn't make it, we made it.
more to point...love the comments underneath. comedy gold, that keeps me entertained at work. cheers
yo marshmallow.why are you disgusted? how do you know the people of biblical times werent that twisted? there are people now days who are, and we're considered 'civilised'.By the by the Bible is a fictional works, losely based on some things that may have happened but were probably exagerated (as are the rest of religious texts). It has no real place in modern society other than to help perpetuate the lie that religious wars are neccessary because the US and us Brits can't say its for oil.
oh my word...learn your Bible properly before you say things like that!! if you had have read the whole story, instead of the bit that you just showed, you would see that the people of the Bible were not as twisted and dirty as you make them out to be! personally i am discusted!
Regarding Onan, the inheritence laws of the day required a surviving brother to be responsible for his dead brothers widow. Including siring children that would inherit the dead mans estate as if they were the blood children of that man in the eyes of the law. Onan got whacked for trying to steal his dead brothers estate by not siring children with his widow. God doesn't f**k around with that s**t. Pwned!
LOL! The Old Testament is the best! It's so interesting! Fascinating stuff... hahaa... yup I suppose people were pretty messed up back then already!
I would like to say on behalf of the Christian point of view that God doesn't automatically support everyone that picks up a cross in his name. The crusades and the Spanish Inquisition were totally fucked up. That is just evil people pretended to being in the know with God manipulating the population with fear, intimidation, and the promise of salvation if they did what they said. Kind of like the media today really....
Anyways, the giants birthed from the woman in the last one were actually fathered by Angels. That is who the Sons of God are and the giants were also called Nephilim, and were basically half angel giants. Goliath was supposedly one of the last of their kind, since some of them survived the flood cause they were f*****g strong as angels.
actually it's not a christian no-no. They're huge hypocrites.The teachings of their god are peace,love,etc. yet they've killed tons of people.
I was forced to go to a christian school a while back, so even though i am not christian nessisarily i stilll know a little what i'm talking about.
Yeah i don't get the Old Testament at all, like, they want to kill everyone. Dont give offerings to the lord? - oops your dead. Don't pay back a fine? - oops your dead. DO anything wrong - ever? oops your dead too.
Definantly a christian no-no.
How do you leave out the indescribable story from Judges 19? Truly depraved
I don't really have time to get into it, but the men in #1 most likely were just princes rather than giants.
This just goes to show that bibles should be sold only to adults who are able to present valid photo I.D. Who wants this kind of filth being made available to our children.
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Don't forget about King David (I think it's in 1st or 2nd Kings)- He was a peeping tom. From his palace rooftop, he sees a sexy naked lady bathing at her house. He decides he wants her for his wife and sends her husband to the frontlines of the army, where he dies. He then marries this women. I bet very few of you knew that this woman, Bathsheba, was King Solomon's mom. Yeah, the Solomon that writes poems about women's boobs being towers.