The 5 Greatest Things Ever Accomplished While High
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#2.
Dock Ellis Trips His Way to a No-Hitter
The Accomplishment: In the hundreds of thousands of games in MLB history, there have been only 247 in which the starting pitcher records every out without giving up a hit. Pedro Martinez, like most pitchers, has gone his entire career without throwing one. In fact his team, the Mets, who've been sending a pitcher out to the mound 162 times every season for 46 years, have never had a pitcher throw one. Dock Ellis became one of the few to ever do it on June 20, 1970, though he barely remembers it. The Drug: Acid. The day of the no-hitter, Dock Ellis woke up around noon on what he thought was Friday and ate three tabs of acid, presumably because he was tired of Wheaties. But when his girlfriend arrived she was carrying Saturday's newspaper, which meant he'd slept through Friday or that his girlfriend's was a time traveler. The sports page had more bad news, he was scheduled to pitch in San Diego in six hours. Not only was the day that was beginning to swim around him the wrong one, the city his day was swimming in was Los Angeles.
We probably wouldn't have gone to the ball park that day (not to mention slept through a Friday and eaten LSD for breakfast). But Ellis had pitched high before. And by that we mean he had never pitched sober. Starting with booze as a high school prodigy and moving up through amphetamines and cocaine in the MLB, his Pirate teammates often took bets on whether anyone could take as many amphetamines as Dock. Unfazed despite being on enough acid to melt Jimi Hendrix's guitar, Ellis hopped a flight to San Diego, and faced down a lineup that had woken up knowing what day it was, and also had the upper hand in the "not on acid" category. Not a single one got a hit.
Ellis remembers very little about the game, other than that sometimes the ball was huge in his hands and sometimes it was tiny, and that at one point he dove out of the way of a line drive, only to look up and see that the ball hadn't even reached the mound. If this sounds like a ridiculous cartoon to you, that's probably what it looked like to Ellis. So how the fuck did Ellis manage to pitch a better game than Pedro Martinez ever would? Why It Makes Sense: Writing in the New Yorker, Oliver Sacks describes a state of mind known as "the zone" in which "A baseball ... approaching at close to a hundred miles per hours ... may seem to be almost immobile in the air, its very seams strikingly visible... in a suddenly enlarged and spacious timescape." The zone is typically brought on by confidence, adrenaline and being fucking awesome at baseball. Ellis was all of those things, and LSD's affects include increased heart rate and the slowing down of time. So it's conceivable that Ellis tripped his way into the zone.
A large part of throwing a no hitter is getting over the fact that you're throwing one. As the game goes on and the lonely bastard in the middle of the diamond gets closer to immortality, the tension in the park and in the pitcher builds. Trying to throw a no hitter is such a mind fuck that it's considered the height of dickery for a teammate to acknowledge the no-hitter until the final out is recorded. But baseball history was the last thing on Ellis' mind, keeping his shit together while a bunch of giant lizards fucked in the on-deck circle being the first.
Before You Go Trying It... Ellis had the career trajectory of Darryl Strawberry, never reaching his potential because of drug addiction. Instead of being a household name, Dock Ellis is just that guy who threw a no-hitter on acid. #1.
Moses Takes 'Shrooms, Shits Out Ten Commandments
The Accomplishment: There's plenty of controversy surrounding certain parts of the Bible, (where are the dinosaurs?), but most can agree that the Ten Commandments make some good points: killing is wrong, stealing is wrong, and weekends are for sleeping. When the whole world was presumably murdering whoever they wanted and coveting the shit out of anything that crossed their paths, Moses was the one who God deemed suitable enough to pass his commandments onto. So, one day in... Biblical times, an audience gathered and politely waited while Moses met with God on the top of Mount Sinai to discuss the rules that we still use today, (or are, at the very least, aware of).
The Drug: Mushrooms. Drugs weren't invented yesterday, you know. In fact, they grow right up out of the ground, all on their own. The area surrounding Mt Sinai, for example, was home to two common psychedelic drugs and, according to a 2008 Time and Mind article written by Benny Shanon, a professor at Jerusalem's Hebrew University, psychedelic mushrooms and other mind-altering substances played a huge role in the religious rites of Israelites during Biblical times.
While it would be irresponsible of us to assume Moses was drugged up based solely on the fact that drugs were both acceptable and available at the time, Professor Shanon maintains that the scene described in Exodus, (involving blaring trumpets, bright lighting and thunder), fits the "classic imaginings of people on drugs" and further that "the seeing of light [that occurs in hallucinations] is accompanied by profound religious and spiritual feelings." Why It Makes Sense: The evidence isn't completely conclusive, but a closer look at our choices leads to a fairly obvious answer. Either: 1. God visited Moses and decided that he was the perfect spokesman for his commandments, (despite Moses's total lack of previous experience in the supernatural-commandment-liaison department), and all of Moses's friends and family believed him when he said "God spoke to me" and instantly stopped coveting shit. Or 2. A group of extremely bored Israelites ate a bunch of easily-accessible mushrooms and imagined a bunch of crazy shit.
It was thousands of years ago. No Internet, no TV. There wasn't much to do other than eat plants, particularly when those plants led to conversations with God. It doesn't take a college professor to figure this one out, (although, technically, it did this time). Still, this is a pretty huge deal. Everyone wants to say how dangerous it is to use psychedelic drugs, but Moses takes a few and comes up with a set of morally sound rules that have held up for thousands of years and, for some, serves as a reason not to murder the guy in front of you who's taking an annoyingly long time at the ATM. Before You Go Trying It... There's a really good chance that eating random mushrooms you find on the ground will kill your ass. Also, we don't think we're speaking out of turn here when we point out how sloppy and half-assed the Ten Commandments are. If you're going to create a system of unchangeable rules meant to govern large groups of people, you might want to think "manual" instead of a "grocery list."
Something with a FAQ page at least. "What about murdering in self defense? And what if your neighbor's wife is really hot? Do two Commandments cancel each other out? Can I murder my hot neighbor's stupid husband?" Like most stoners (take for instance the ones in Pineapple Express, a movie you should totally see), Moses was probably too lazy to do all that extra work so he just sort of summarized, but the rest of us can agree that it would've been nice to have those answers. Find out about people who accomplished great feats of career sabotage in The 5 Most Obviously Drug-Fueled TV Appearances Ever. Or watch reports from CNN and Fox News that will make you think you're high in today's Hate by Numbers.
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f**k you guys. JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES!
yeah, i can't believe how inaccurate number 1 is, I mean you would think it was comedy site, and was he was trying to make a joke or something
I'm glad weed isn't on here, but kinda sad opiates aren't either. I don't understand why everyone loves weed so much when its contributed nothing compared to the Heavenly powder that is coke.
I think you religous advocates are being way to sensitive. The point of cracked is to entertain and and make fun of s**t. This article was entertaining and they made fun of s**t, including moses. Why is Moses off limits but scientology, Sigmund Freued and everything else not? Why don't we see psychologists getting one here defending Freud, quoting obscure lines from his articles of work.
Cracked.com is a website for entertainment, it's hypocritical to say well i find the articles making fun of scientology hilarious but your not allowed to make fun of jesus or moses because i happen to be Christian. If your willing to give it you have to be able to take it as well.
(disclaimer i think scientology is hilarious and deserves to be made fun of at EVERY opportunity.
holy balls. what's wrong with you losers? i got fred phelps over here talking about Cracked's religous agenda and rambo censoring the word b**ch but not f**k (peaceman6969, you asstard, im talking to you). its just an article. its funny. they're on a deadline. jebus chrizzle you guys need a hobby. am i the only one who reads this s**t to get AWAY from the world im currently occupying? so, to comment on the article, funny stuff. my balls didn't explode but i enjoyed it regardless.
Your mind turning into a trippy lava lamp and getting "unfiltered access to a part of [your] brain most normal people rarely use" are one in the same. Omg, writing that took me sooo long. s**t, i was thinking all these crazy things to write in the middle of typing it and i couldn't focus. It feels like I'm going through 5 minutes of time every 2 seconds. That's how intense everything is. ok, maybe i'm exaggerating; still, -- it's a state of mind, a perception of reality, that really seems to open your mind to the world around you. I'm high on some fire crip weed right now, and I keep losing myself whenever I look at something and then look at something else, which unfortunately happens rather often. Or fortunately, if you look at it my way.
To be honest, the description of dinosaurs, sounds pretty accurate. Still, down with organized religion.
And islam is based off the bible o_0 whaaaaaaat? I was under the impression that the Quran was the scripture for islam.
Either ways, down with organized religion!!! Wee-haaaa!!!
Something with a FAQ page at least. "What about murdering in self defense? And what if your neighbor's wife is really hot? Do two Commandments cancel each other out? Can I murder my hot neighbor's stupid husband?"
hahahahahaha...oh that was funny.
"Pretty impressive for a drink that routinely gets beat in taste tests by Pepsi." Oh, bullshit!!!
Also, Dr Pepper doesn't have a period after "Dr" (which would have made it very difficult to punctuate this sentence if I didn't add this parenthetical bit). Doesn't now, and to my knowledge it never has- check the website.
1 Where is the evidence that moses was a druggie? I never heard the phrase mushroom king in that context before, pretty cool! :)
And I'm sure he wouldn't have to make his own site to say moses was perfect, just find one made by a religious man that was somehow smart enough to work a website maker :D
P.s How can you tell it's moses?
if you cant face the fact that moses was a mushroom king get fucked and dont read the article as far as religon bashing goes f**k jesus f**k god f**k the bible moses did more then mushrooms a scholar at havard said he was heroin addict too all im saying if the atricle pisses you off then f**k off and dont read it..its fucken entertainment you want to paint a picture pefect image of moses start your own fucken religous site so you and anyone like you cant b***h about what ever you want
p.s. f**k you mix master your whiny faggot
if you cant face the fact that moses was a mushroom king get fucked and dont read the article as far as religon bashing goes f**k jesus f**k god f**k the bible moses did more then mushrooms a scholar at havard said he was heroin addict too all im saying if the atricle pisses you off then f**k off and dont read it..its fucken entertainment you want to paint a picture pefect image of moses start your own fucken religous site so you and anyone like you cant b***h about what ever you want
p.s. f**k you mix master your whiny faggot
man you posters get to touchy about religon like fucken jesus i stopped believing in the bible i dont know around the same time i stopped believing in fucken santa cluase or teh easter bunny all the scholar said is there are two not one TWO types of pyshdelic mushrooms on that mountain and you think a bunch of people that spent days walking through a f*****g dessert with no food or water and stumble across a bunch of mushrooms arnt goig to eat them? f**k that if they were hungry they would of ate them and if they ate them they got high and f**k like you religous biggots cant pull your heads outta asses for two second and laugh at this article build a fucken brigde and get the f**k over it
You shoulda put beatles making sgt pepper here because it's ranked greatest album of all time by rolling stone. So yeah the greatest album of all time was made while high
Touchy aren't you? Someone jokes about organized ancient mythology and out comes evidence for big-foot and silly bible quotes vaguely interpreted in a manner as to make dinosaurs roaming 2000 (or is it 5000?) years ago plausible. Who describes Richard Dawkins as a stupid douche? I mean really? By the same definition he said aliens could have started life here he said so could had god. He acknowledges he can't disprove either, just break it down to likely-hoods, neither of which scores very high. I commend cracked for smashing religion, clearly logic, science and the progressive agenda are not doing enough already to end the ignorance and primitive mind set associated with a group of people who adamantly believe they can escape their own mortality because a bizarre ancient book claims so. Were not going to evolve until today's religions are regarded the same as the past's, all as ridiculous. Cracked's authors are just already there, being objective and hilarious. So relax it's all good, and remember, whenever you see a rainbow, it means god is having gay sex.
I totally second the previous posters who pointed out the anti-religious BS in the Moses post. Are you kidding me? ONE scholar says that Moses did drugs. ONE. I bet I could find you 3 who claim the moon landing was faked, and 10 that say 9/11 was an inside job. That's your 'proof?'
It's just anti-religious bull. And tell me, exactly how did that scholar "figure it out" anyways? Did he wander across a few writings from the time of Moses talking about all the Israelites getting stoned? Oh wait! There AREN'T any other writings about the Israelites from the time of Moses, not until almost a millenium later!
Keep posting crap like this and you're gonna lose a lot of your audience, me included. Not only is it anti-religious propaganda, but there is literally more evidence for the existence of bigfoot than this.
I have to agree with mixmaster93, there is a fairly blatant anti-religous agenda showing up in a lot of recent cracked articles. It didn't used to be this way, Cracked used to be really good about offending everybody equally, now it's slowly becoming another "bash organized religion" site.
"where are the dinosaurs?" Book of Job, chapter 40, verse 15-18: "Look at the Behmouth, which I made along with you, and which feeds on the grass like an ox. What strength he has in his loins, what power in the muscles of his belly! His tails sways like a cedar, the sinews of his thighs are close-knit. His bones are tubes of bronze, his limbs like rods of iron."
Though a lot of revisionists have mistranslated 'behmouth' to 'hippopotimus' or 'elephant', I'd like to see a hippo or an elephant with a tail like a cedar. There's only one animal in the fossil record the meets all the criteria listed for the behmouth, and the word 'dinosaur' wasn't invented until 1849.
The list was good up until number 1.I know that your job of writing articles is primarily to make people laugh and Moses on shrooms is a very funny picture but can you try to be a little more subtle about your obvious agenda against religion? you sound like someone who has never read past the ten commandments. if you read a little further you would see there are a fuckload that come right afterword. the only reason the ten commandments are famous is because they contain the basic principles used in all the other decrees. did you even know there are five books of the testament all longer than any f*****g harry potter book (maybe not the fifth, seventh, sixth... or fourth)? if you did then you must have realized that they are not there just to list the ten commandments with less than a quarter of a letter on each page. the amount you seem to actually know about the bible is actually scary including the fact that if you look at any religion bible based, including but not limited to Christianity, Judaism and Islam that they will all deal with the retarted questions you asked at the end of the article (i know they were just a joke but they played off a very stupid point which is that the ten commandments need elaboration). I am not a religious nut or associated with any religion at all but i have done research into many religions and the fact that you wrote this article with such blatantly condescending views on religion is just f*****g annoying. the reason i'm pissed is because i like every cracked article i've read and have basically trusted the main facts in each one but now that i had to waste my time reading number one on a list of druggies (after getting pumped up because the rest of the list was really good)as Moses with basically no supporting evidence other than the assumption that you think over 600,000 people all took drugs and had the same exact hallucination and decided to make a religion out of it. o and to answer those questions: yes you can kill in self defense, still can't cheat, there is no contradiction that isn't settled through some sort of interpretation, and it matters how stupid the given husband is.
Nick Diaz caught Gomi in a gogoplata, after which he tested positive for weed. Though he probably wasn't high at the time, he was high the night before, and if you know anything about jiu0jitsu or Gomi, you'd know how badass that was
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Three tabs =/= enough acid to melt Jimi Hendrix's guitar. Hendrix used to regularly play with 5 or so tucked under his headband, according to his drummer, Mitch Mitchel.