From the Editors of Cracked.com

You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News

  • 18 brand new, never before read articles
  • All new, original illustrations
  • Buying this book will make you sexier
  • "You Might Be A Zombie is the funniest, wisest, greatest book ever written! I keep reading and re-reading it here in my padded cell!" – Stan Lee
  • "In a sea of literary lies, finally a book that will tell you the TRUTH about the things you need to know." – Sarah Silverman
  • "People keep sending me links to Cracked.com, and gradually I'm realizing it's smart, funny and cool." – Roger Ebert

Sneak Peek from "You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News"

  • Three Colors You Don't Realize Are Controlling Your Mind
    Three Colors You Don't Realize Are Controlling Your Mind
    Would you believe that changing the color of the Golden Gate Bridge could prevent thousands of suicides? How about that the color pink can give football teams an unfair advantage? We look at the shockingly powerful psychological effects that colors can have on you.
  • Five Famous Artists Who Didn't Create Their Signature Creation
    Five Famous Artists Who Didn't Create Their Signature Creation
    Discovering who is responsible for a great work of art is apparently the opposite of discovering who just farted in the elevator. The more adamantly an artist insists they're the one who did it, the more likely it is that they're lying.
  • Five Fun Things That Will Kill You
    Five Fun Things That Will Kill You
    Many of the fun, harmless activities you grew up enjoying were secretly designed by the Jigsaw Killer. While you shrieked with delight, these seemingly safe contraptions were just waiting to turn your world into a scene from Final Destination.
  • Oh the Places You'll Go (When You're Dead): Six Insane Things Science Might Do with Your Cadaver
    Oh the Places You'll Go (When You're Dead): Six Insane Things Science Might Do with Your Cadaver
    Everyone knows that donating your body to science is the right thing to do. This article proves that it's also occasionally the awesome thing to do. For some lucky corpses, being dead is like going to the most incredible summer camp possible.
  • Five Stories about Jesus's Childhood They Had to Cut from the Bible (to Avoid an NC-17 Rating)
    Five Stories about Jesus's Childhood They Had to Cut from the Bible (to Avoid an NC-17 Rating)
    Remember when you were a kid, and all you wanted to do was jump your bike off of something that was exploding? Apparently boy-Jesus was just as awesome as you would have been, if you could summon dragons and make snakes explode with your mind. No wonder they skipped from Christmas to his thirties.
  • Five Wacky Misunderstandings That Almost Caused a Nuclear Holocaust
    Five Wacky Misunderstandings That Almost Caused a Nuclear Holocaust
    The Cold War was a lot like one of those sitcoms where a hilarious miscommunication causes two star-crossed lovers to almost end up with the wrong person. Only instead of wrongly dismissing the love of their life, the whacky mix-ups between the U.S. and Russia almost brought about the end of the world.
  • The Four Most Insane Attempts to Turn Nature into a Weapon
    The Four Most Insane Attempts to Turn Nature into a Weapon
    When nature wipes out a big portion of the population with a tornado or an earthquake, the military immediately begins trying to figure out how to put that power into a gun. Occasionally, they are successful -- which is why there was once such a thing as a tornado gun.
  • Four Mythological Beasts That Actually Exist
    Four Mythological Beasts That Actually Exist
    Not all bogeyman turn out to be some guy in a Chewbacca costume. Some of the farfetched legends science scoffed at for years turned out to be terrifyingly true stories. We run down four giant monsters that will make you wish Bigfoot was the one that turned out to be real.
  • Five Fight Moves That Only Work in Movies
    Five Fight Moves That Only Work in Movies
    If you've ever been in a fight, you might've noticed that it was nothing like the violent ballet they show you in movies. If you've never been in a fight, these are the five moves that your brain is going to tell you to try first, all of which will leave you face down in a mosaic of your own teeth.
  • Five Awesome Things You Didn't Know Could Make You Sick
    Five Awesome Things You Didn't Know Could Make You Sick
    Stories of rare, but medically recognized illnesses caused by everything from good art to celebrity voices You won't believe we're not just making them up to get out of work.
  • Four Things Your Mom Said Were Healthy That Can Kill You
    Four Things Your Mom Said Were Healthy That Can Kill You
    Trying to follow all of the home-cooked wisdom that's been tattooed on your brain since childhood is a good way to ensure an early exit. Telling you to get eight hours of sleep every night and to hit the four major food groups was just mom's way of saying, “One day I will dance on your grave!”
  • Five Stories the Media Doesn't Want You to Know About
    Five Stories the Media Doesn't Want You to Know About
    Some of the greatest stories of corruption, idiocy and exploding cars have occurred as a result of the media screwing the pooch. Of course, the media doesn't think they're such good stories, which is why you've never heard them before. Until now.
  • Five Hollywood Adaptations That Totally Missed the Point
    Five Hollywood Adaptations That Totally Missed the Point
    It's one thing to add a happy ending when adapting a book into a movie. It's another to completely turn the story inside out, light it on fire and dance in the ashes while mocking the original author's intended message in a high-pitched girly voice. This is about movies that did that second thing.
  • Four Great Women Buried by Their Boobs
    Four Great Women Buried by Their Boobs
    Apparently the history of scientific achievement is a lot like the office in Mad Men. Contributions of women were greeted with a wink and a nod in the general direction of their boobs. It would all be hilarious if it hadn't screwed humanity so completely.
  • Five Classic Cartoon Characters with Traumatic Childhoods
    Five Classic Cartoon Characters with Traumatic Childhoods
    Saturday morning cartoons were more like Dickens novels than you might remember; every main character was an orphan who was forced to do the jobs of their grownup caretakers.
  • Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government
    Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government
    America has had its share of shadowy figures trying to take power from behind the scenes. We bring you five that came so close to succeeding, the government decided to keep them a secret so you wouldn't get any ideas.
  • Four Ticking Time Bombs in Nature More Terrifying (and Likely) Than the Ones in Disaster Movies
    Four Ticking Time Bombs in Nature More Terrifying (and Likely) Than the Ones in Disaster Movies
    There are movie-worthy disasters sitting quietly under the parts of the country that Roland Emmerich doesn't make movies about. When they explode, they're going to catch everyone off guard. Well, everyone who doesn't buy this book.
  • Five Beloved U.S. Presidents the Modern Media Would Never Let into the White House
    Five Beloved U.S. Presidents the Modern Media Would Never Let into the White House
    From Lincoln's ridiculous voice to James Madison's hilarious height, many of the greatest presidents in U.S. history had the sort of flaws that would get them laughed out of the Iowa caucuses today. We take you through the reasons the modern media would never let us elect a great president today.

About the Contributors

  • Nathan Birch
    Nathan Birch
    (The Nine Most Insane Medical Practices in History, The Six Creepiest Urban Legends That Happen to Be True) In addition to working for Cracked, Nathan spends his time writing for top video game sites, producing his own webcomic (www.zoologycomic.com) and hoping he'll never actually have to grow up.
  • Robert Brockway
    Robert Brockway
    (Three Colors You Don’t Realize Are Controlling Your Mind) is an editor and columnist for Cracked.com and the author of Everything is Going To Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, a book that is infinitely superior to this one in every way. He is also fired, just now.
  • Adam Tod Brown
    Adam Tod Brown
    (Five Horrifying Food Additives You’ve Probably Eaten Today, The Awful Truth behind Five Items on Your Grocery List) is a freelance editor and comedy writer with skills often described as "ninja-like." He holds a Masters degree in street knowledge and drinks from only the finest of bejeweled goblets.
  • Tim Cameron
    Tim Cameron
    (The Six Most Terrifying Foods in the World, Four Great Women Buried by Their Boobs) goes by his middle name Niall as a musician, since it's over 70% more pretentious. You can experience Niall's stirringly resonant soundcrafts at www.niallcameron.com
  • Erica Cantin
    Erica Cantin
    ("Michael Bay Directs the News" in Five Stories The Media Doesn’t Want You to Know About) lives in a formerly abandoned castle near the sea, where she and her family sing many a merry shanty.
  • Rory Colthurst
    Rory Colthurst
    (Five Wacky Misunderstandings That Almost Caused a Nuclear Holocaust) is a politics student based in London. He started writing when the school system would no longer let him draw pictures, and has never looked back
  • Travis Corkery
    Travis Corkery
    (Six Terrifying Things They Don’t Tell You about Childbirth) is a writer from Anchorage Alaska. He lives with his wife Charlene, dog Volta, and 2 children, one of which was conceived to research the article that appears in this book.
  • S Peter Davis
    S Peter Davis
    (The Five Most Ridiculous Lies You Were Taught in History Class, Four Mythological Beasts That Actually Exist) in addition to this sort of thing, churns out reams of unpopular and socially disturbing fiction. He lives alone in Brisbane, Australia with his two fish, Salmon Rushdie and Marlin Brando.
  • Jacopo della Quercia
    Jacopo della Quercia
    (Numbers 5 – 3 of Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government) was born to Italian parents, studied Renaissance History in Florence, has taught classes on Dante, Machiavelli, and Renaissance Art, believes the past is still alive, writes in code, and died in 1438.
  • Ben Dennison
    Ben Dennison
    (The Four Most Insane Attempts to Turn Nature into a Weapon) writes comedy to pay the bills. The bills usually win, but hey man, that's cool.
  • Justin Droms
    Justin Droms
    (Oh the Places You’ll Go (When You’re Dead): Six Insane Things Science Might Do with Your Cadaver) was an editor at Cracked for two-and-a-half bloodsoaked years. He currently "works" in "marketing" in "Washington, DC."
  • Robert Evans
    Robert Evans
    (Four Things Your Mom Said Were Healthy That Can Kill You, Five Stories the Media Doesn’t Want You to Know About) has dedicated his life to finding every dick joke in the history of literature.
  • Ian Fortey
    Ian Fortey
    (Five Awesome Places to Have Sex (and the Horrific Consequences)) is a freelance writer, Cracked columnist and Pisces. He will sleep on your sofa if you let him.
  • Alexandra Gedrose
    Alexandra Gedrose
    (Five Psychological Experiments That Prove Humanity Is Doomed) has a strong aversion to bottled water.
  • Gladstone
    Gladstone
    (Five Famous Artists Who Didn’t Create Their Signature Creation) is a columnist for Cracked.com and the creator and star of the popular Hate By Numbers video series. His website is www.KafkaMaine.com and stay for awhile?
  • Christina Hsu
    Christina Hsu
    (Five Hollywood Adaptations That Totally Missed the Point) is extremely proud of having written part of a book, which she hopes will be the first small stepping stone to her life goal of someday, possibly, if all the stars align, writing half of a book.
  • Peter Hildebrand
    Peter Hildebrand
    (Numbers 1 and 2 of Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government) is a student, freelance writer and minister (technically)
  • David King
    David King
    (Third Reich to Fortune 500: Five Popular Brands the Nazis Gave Us) is a world-renowned expert at the art of being mediocre. When he's not being sorta-funny at parties or hitting on chicks who think he's "pretty cool," he's busy being so-so in university.
  • Ben Joseph
    Ben Joseph
    (Four Ticking Time Bombs in Nature More Terrifying and Likely Than the Ones in Disaster Movies) is a writer and producer on staff at CollegeHumor. He's also had his work published by McSweeney's and written for the upcoming Cartoon Network sketch show based on MAD magazine, which kind of makes him a traitor, don't you think?
  • Richard Kane
    Richard Kane
    (The Six Most Depressing Happy Endings in Movie History) has been writing internet comedy since he was sixteen years old. He lives in California with his family.
  • Jeff Kelly
    Jeff Kelly
    (Five Movies Based on True Stories (That Are Complete Bullshit)) graduated from Syracuse University in 2003, is happily married to his wife Sara, and enjoys Mexican beer, shiny things and fighting crime. Well, most of it anyways.
  • Stuart Layt
    Stuart Layt
    (The Gruesome Origins of Five Popular Fairy Tales) is a journalist and writer from Australia. With the publication of this book, he is now a 'professional comedian' and will become insufferable at parties.
  • Alex Levinton
    Alex Levinton
    (The Five Most Horrifying Bugs in the World, The Six Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You) It remains unproven whether or not Alex Levinton is in reality a glass jar filled with bees. About him, there is nothing more to say.
  • Daniel O'Brien
    Daniel O'Brien
    (The Four Most Badass Presidents of All Time, Five Famous Inventors Who Stole Their Big Idea) is the Senior Writer of and a Columnist for Cracked.com. His web series, "Agents of Cracked," is available on every internet.
  • Jack O'Brien
    Jack O'Brien
    (Intro, The Four Greatest Things Ever Accomplished While High) started Cracked.com in 2006, and tries not to talk too much about how Cracked was better "back before everyone liked it and it was still all about the music, man." He is mostly successful.
  • Colm Prunty
    Colm Prunty
    (The Six Most Depressing Happy Endings in Movie History) learned to read and write by examining the backs of household cleaning products. His early writing was known to kill 99% of germs.
  • Tom Reimann
    Tom Reimann
    (Five Fun Things That Will Kill You) was a nerdy high school student when he was bitten by a radioactive spider and contracted leukemia. He is a freelance Editor for Cracked.com.
  • Ned Resnikoff
    Ned Resnikoff
    (Numbers 1 and 2 of Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government)a Philosophy major at NYU, a writer, a lit nerd, a lapsed Jew, and a politics junkie.
  • Levi Ritchie
    Levi Ritchie
    (The Five Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Statistics) is a college student from west central Texas who is passionate about writing, because it helps support his gaming addiction.
  • Seanbaby
    Seanbaby
    (Five Fight Moves That Only Work in Movies) invented being funny on the Internet, and like all writers he was soon replaced with videos of kitty cats. But their time is coming.
  • Michael Swaim
    Michael Swaim
    (Five Awesome Things You Didn’t Know Could Make You Sick, Five Classic Cartoon Characters with Traumatic Childhoods, Five Beloved U.S. Presidents the Modern Media Would Never Let into the White House) is co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets! and the host of Cracked TV and Does Not Compute. As Cracked.com's Head of Video, he only dimly understands the object you are currently holding.
  • Brian Thompson
    Brian Thompson
    (Five Stories about Jesus’s Childhood They Had to Cut from the Bible (to Avoid an NC-17 Rating)) is an aspiring writer from Minneapolis MN. He is currently writing a novel which will be on store shelves as soon as the Devil gets the paperwork for his soul in order.
  • Brian Walton
    Brian Walton
    (Five Ways Your Brain Is Messing with Your Head) spends his time in Florida, alligator fishing and trying to live to regret the things he does. Like alligator fishing.
  • David Wong
    David Wong
    (Four Brainwashing Techniques They’re Using on You Right Now, Five Scientific Reasons Why a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen) is the Senior Editor of Cracked.com and the author of the horror novel John Dies at the End, currently available everywhere except the 72 countries in which it has been banned.

About the Illustrators

  • Winston Rowntree
    Winston Rowntree
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) is known for his overly-verbose online comix, which can be found at viruscomix.com. In the real world he can be found in Toronto, Canada, slightly west of downtown.
  • Anthony Clark
    Anthony Clark
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) is a cartoonist and illustrator from Indianapolis. You can find more of his art, comics, and hidden torpedo launch codes at nedroid.com.
  • Jordan Monsell
    Jordan Monsell
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) was born in New York and now resides in Los Angeles. He illustrates the web-comics Alyster & Buttercup, performs Shakespeare, and hikes the trails of Griffith Park.
  • Ben Driscoll
    Ben Driscoll
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) makes Daisy Owl, the world's foremost comics about a speaking owl that raises human children. He lives in San Diego with his cat.
  • Manuel Rebollo
    Manuel Rebollo
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) also goes by elgatoazul and is a freelance Graphic Designer and Illustrator based in Salamanca, Spain.
  • Shannon O'Brien
    Shannon O'Brien
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) is an interaction designer and illustrator living in Brooklyn, NY.
  • Christopher Hastings
    Christopher Hastings
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) is the creator of the Adventures of Dr. McNinja, a comic that has been online since 2005. He lives in Brooklyn with his fiance, Carly, and dog, Commissioner Gordon
  • Matt Barrs
    Matt Barrs
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) Matt Barrs is a cartoonist and comedian living in Los Angeles where he regularly collaborates with Cracked.com on art and video projects.
  • Brendan McGinley
    Brendan McGinley
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) Brendan McGinley writes comics and tells jokes in New York City. He is the terror of the internet at brendanmcginley.com
  • Brian Patrick
    Brian Patrick
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) is the creator of Akimbo Comics.
  • Michael Swaim
    Michael Swaim
    (Illlustrations on Pages TK) is made of lasers and hate. Once he tried to get into a kid's pool party, and they wouldn't let him in. Yeah he draws too. Now he's just showing off.
  • Randall Maynard
    Randall Maynard
    (Illustrations on Pages TK) is a graphic designer based out of a secret fortress in Los Angeles, California. His free time is spent playing video games and mixing the perfect soundtrack in preparation for the zombie apocalypse.
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