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20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants

By Ian Cheesman July 16, 2008 972,866 views
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#10.
Metallica Lullabies

Despite what metal purists think, Metallica Lullabies is not a box set of everything they've released after "..And Justice For All". It is reimagined and repackaged metal designed to soothe your baby to sleep and begin brokering their relationship with Satan. Kids don't usually embrace the Dark Lord until they discover Dungeons & Dragons, so they'll be way ahead of their peers.

#9.
Manual Snot Sucker

Here are two key points when using this product :

* Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.

* When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.

#8.
Her First Heels

Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!

Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality associated with putting these on your son.

#7.
Baby Mop

Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery.

#6.
Po-Knee

The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated.

Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants.

#5.
Man Boobs

From the instant any man dons this apparatus he can count on deeper bonding with his child, getting paid 25% less to do the same job as other men, and being grossly objectified for his sweet, sweet ass. On the flipside, he'll probably never have to buy his own drinks again.

#4.
Baby Whoopee Cushion Costume

Pro: The whoopee cushion will inevitably self-inflate given enough time and a diet rich in legumes

Con: The instant someone opts to sit on it the joke will take a horrible, strangely poetic turn

#3.
Bucktooth Pacifier

Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.

This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!

#2 & #1.
Baby Toupee & Baby Tattoos

Babies, though generally placid creatures, can become extremely violent when defending their territory. All it takes is some fresh fish toddler crawling into your kid's corner of the sandbox to incite Lego shivs appearing and suddenly you've now got a baby on the lam.

The least you can do as a responsible parent is to help your baby cloak their appearance with these convenient baby wigs (so they can make a run for the nearest international border) and with these tattoos so that once in prison the fellow inmates will know they're hardcore.



For more bizarre things people want you to buy for children, check out The 5 Least Surprising Toy Recalls of All-Time or if you're a child yourself, check out Monday's HBN to find out how to blow yourself up.


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125 Comments

#11 - Hes a burger!
#7 - Hes a mop!

Half these kids look like they're having a blast. Like the baby holder baby. His name's Art.

Then again, if I found out that my dad ever used ManBoobs to feed me I'd gut him. Same with the snotty sucker thing.

10/3/2009 8:24:32 AM
Dexanote

I'm going to get my baby a lil' kim wig!

9/15/2009 10:11:14 PM
strangedaze

As if babies weren't sexy enough as it is...

9/9/2009 12:41:13 PM
Jbels09

Phoenix00017, I grew up listening to Closer (and several other great songs on WGRD), and I turned out relatively okay.

9/8/2009 8:10:19 PM
_Breeze_

so Q they are!

------------------------

http://www.china-inflatable.com/

5/20/2009 1:40:50 AM
chineeadmin

I love the idea of the Metallica lullaby as well, but I think they made a mistake choosing that album. The company that makes it makes a whole bunch of albums (two of which I now own thanks to this article!), and I think the most traumatic has to go to NIN. I mean, seriously, how traumatized is that kid going to be when he finds out years later that one of his favorite lullabies, Closer, contains the lines:

I want to f**k you like an animal,
I want to feel you from the inside,
I want to f**k you like an animal,
My whole existence is flawed,
You get me closer to God!

Now _that's_ childhood trauma.

5/11/2009 9:41:13 AM
Phoenix00017

children are gifts of god so they are valluable.........
Baby Gear

4/30/2009 9:51:10 PM
vichi12345

Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword".
vichi..
[url=http://www.babygear365.com]Baby Gear[/url]

4/30/2009 9:49:10 PM
vichi12345

This is a wonderful opinion. The things mentioned are unanimous and needs to be appreciated by everyone.
----------------------
mayes
Baby Gear

4/22/2009 8:01:25 PM
mayes

Is it just me or did anybody else find Bucktooth Pacifier extremely, side-splittingly hilarious...man I think I laughed for about 5 minutes straight. Hey cheesman you got me w/ the line "This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke." OMG....LMFAO

4/22/2009 9:06:27 AM
denriquez1985

Metallica Lullabies sounds AWESOME, actually. If I ever have kids, I'm getting that for those little bastards.

And they make a different, less traumatising version of that baby leash. It's like a backpack in the shape of a monkey, except the "tail" is about five feet long. I've seen a s**t-ton of people with those.

4/20/2009 4:04:29 PM
Colleen

Man, from number 9 on, it gets INSANE!

4/20/2009 5:03:36 AM
PedroAzevedo1

What does metallica have to do with satan? How are metal songs (especially kiddy verisons) traumatizing? I'm so sick of people associating metal with Satan. I know it's a joke, and I don't usually get offended by...anything. I love racist/Helen Keller/dead baby jokes. But the metal and Satan thing pisses me off every time. Maybe it wouldn't piss me of so much, if so many people didnt actually think that way. I don't think the author does, but he's not helping.

4/19/2009 10:54:50 PM
jericho4854

Number 18 looks like child abuse to me

4/19/2009 7:50:10 PM
juice52

don't knock baby leashes until you've tried one...best parent invention ever, period. and hilarious.

4/19/2009 6:44:05 PM
mollymayhem

I'm still LMAO. Funniest ting I've read in a long time

4/19/2009 3:55:56 PM
SOBoatboy

The baby Metallica is probably the least awful one on the list... I took a look at the website, and they have lullaby renditions of Tool songs, and if I decide to have children, I'm also deciding to buy that CD.

4/19/2009 2:18:46 PM
Scary_dream

I took a look at that snot-sucker website. One of the kids in the "testimonials" section looked like she was at least 4. If you're still inhaling your kids' nasal secretions when they're going to school, then there is a real, serious problem.

4/19/2009 5:53:58 AM
Gimble

Ughhh...I always hate it when people associate metal to satan.
It's so ignorant for people to think about that. Only black metal dudes are so "loving" to satan.

4/3/2009 4:42:44 AM
cheetoque121

i like the Zaky Infant Pillow,3rd Arm. These are the products are really useful.
http://www.infibeam.com/Baby/

2/10/2009 2:37:05 AM
gifts

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