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20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants
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#10.
Metallica Lullabies
Despite what metal purists think, Metallica Lullabies is not a box set of everything they've released after "..And Justice For All". It is reimagined and repackaged metal designed to soothe your baby to sleep and begin brokering their relationship with Satan. Kids don't usually embrace the Dark Lord until they discover Dungeons & Dragons, so they'll be way ahead of their peers. #9.
Manual Snot Sucker
Here are two key points when using this product : * Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw. * When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far. #8.
Her First Heels
Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three! Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality associated with putting these on your son. #7.
Baby Mop
Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery.
#6.
Po-Knee
The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated. Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants. #5.
Man Boobs
From the instant any man dons this apparatus he can count on deeper bonding with his child, getting paid 25% less to do the same job as other men, and being grossly objectified for his sweet, sweet ass. On the flipside, he'll probably never have to buy his own drinks again. #4.
Baby Whoopee Cushion Costume
Pro: The whoopee cushion will inevitably self-inflate given enough time and a diet rich in legumes Con: The instant someone opts to sit on it the joke will take a horrible, strangely poetic turn #3.
Bucktooth Pacifier
Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke. This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww! #2 & #1.
Baby Toupee & Baby Tattoos
Babies, though generally placid creatures, can become extremely violent when defending their territory. All it takes is some fresh fish toddler crawling into your kid's corner of the sandbox to incite Lego shivs appearing and suddenly you've now got a baby on the lam.
The least you can do as a responsible parent is to help your baby cloak their appearance with these convenient baby wigs (so they can make a run for the nearest international border) and with these tattoos so that once in prison the fellow inmates will know they're hardcore. For more bizarre things people want you to buy for children, check out The 5 Least Surprising Toy Recalls of All-Time or if you're a child yourself, check out Monday's HBN to find out how to blow yourself up. |
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That swimming neck thing is the scarriest thing that I have ever seen. That should have been number 1.
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THATS THE BABY.
I work in a prison and deal with molesters and murderers on a daily basis. I would much rather have my child be embarassed or 'shamed' than have to deal with my child's molester at work. Children slip out of hands so quickly and frankly it only takes a moment...
I gotta admit I like the baby keeper but the swimming thing? Thats just scary!
Wow, I didn't know Baby Toupees actually existed 0_0
Factoid: The first songs I remember ever hearing are Enter Sandman and Iron Man. The real deal. My dad wouldn't hold with singing lullabies. I think he just figured, "Sandman. Sleep. Connection there."
Oops, seems I commented in the wrong thread. Sorry.
I grew up in Canada and so didn't know about the recall of Kinder Eggs. I LOVED those. I remember assembling cars I got in the little capsule, and the chocolate. Oh man, I remember thinking it was the best chocolate I'd ever tasted. Damn, I miss those.
I almost died laughing at the what you wrote about the stupid leash. Good stuff.
Also, Metallica's "Merciful Fate" cover is a surprisingly effective lullabye.
some of those are adorable, the high heels was not! Sure they are not meant for walking, but my bet is the dick adults who buy that s**t for their babies will have them in real high heels by the time they are four.
Hamburger baby costume takes the cake for me. There are people in the world that would actually eat the s**t I guarantee.
I love the bucktooth pacifier!!!! HAHAHA! I wanna get one for my nephew
I used to have a baby tatoo when I was some months old.Is it too bad?
Yes.
Am I the only one who finds the Po-Knee adorable?
Veal? Too funny!
Baby high heels? Disgusting! Any woman who buys these things should be forced to pay her own bills, and any man should be locked away immediately and forever.
so glad my mom didn't see those high heel shoes. she bought the stupid star bunting for my niece and I about laughed my ass off at the look on my sister's face.
I am so glad I don't have kids!
I really like the Metallica CD.
I can't believe how people can think having a child leash is cruel. Have none of you ever noticed how fast a kid can disappear? In this day and age where kids will happily wander off into the arms of a pedophile, kidnapper, etc, I'm glad that there's a product that lets you tether your kid to your hip so they can't waddle off to their doom.
Kids are stupid, and therefore need to be kept within 5 feet of their parents at all times. Whether they feel shame at the use of a leash is irrelevant.
Baby high heels? Is it just me or are children's clothing designers trying to make eyecandy for child molesters? First Abercrappy and b***h puts out thongs for pre-teens, now this. WTF!!!====a friend said that on tall dating site:" Tallloving.....com ",which is a dating site for all tall friends and tall singles,especially models and basketball players.
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chuck_steak
This is by far the funniest thing I have ever seen on cracked...
By #18 I was already on the f*****g floor and I think I may have passed out at #7 from laughing so hard...