#2. Cockroach-Controlled Mobile Robot
What the Hell is That Thing?
The Cockroach Controlled Mobile Robot, or Cockbot as we'll refer to it from now on, is a moving mechanical platform controlled by a Giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach.
The roach is strapped to a trackball that translates its movements to the servos below, and surveys its surrounding environment by virtue of an array of flashing control panels and motion sensors. The cockroach naturally prefers dark places, but shies away from light, so when part of the machine nears an object, the corresponding panel lights up and causes the roach to move away thus enabling it to navigate around objects from its elevated position.
Essentially, it's Roach Virtual Reality. Feel free to ask science why cockroaches get implementable VR before we do, although we're fairly confident we can guess the answer: Science just fucking hates you so much, sometimes it's like a fire in science's heart.
Why It's a Dick Move
One of the most common phobias of modern man is the fear of insects. The only mitigating factor of that fear is the relatively insignificant size and power of most insects--a factor the Cockbot aims to fix.
Not only does the robot sport one of the largest insects in the world, but also one of the most horrifying. The Giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach, as one may rightfully assume, emits a loud, high-pitched hiss when threatened or angry. This is enough to give most people pause on its own merits. Equip said giant, hissing roach with a mechanical battle-suit and, rational or not, the fear-center of the human brain simply shuts down all higher thought and acts on panicked instinct.
This is plainly illustrated by the above photo, wherein a terrified businessman attempts to sacrifice his baby to feed the insatiable hunger of the insectile machine. Sure, no actual, literal harm befell the child--the attacking force of the Cockbot is limited to perhaps a sharp crack to the shin at best--but the man must now forever live with the shame of what he was prepared to do.
Evolution, by and large, knows what it's doing. By equipping the cockroach with what amounts to an armored attack platform, you're upping the ante by leaps and bounds. It poses no threat to humans--yet--but this device does place it firmly above other insects and some smaller mammals.
The creator says the roach has already developed a penchant for dog food. When will it realize it can scare dogs away from said food? The inventor goes on to say that it prefers the beef flavor. How long until it realizes fresh beef tastes better? The developer says the roach has also taken to the taste of baby food. We're not certain, but we're pretty sure that thing can take a baby in a fight. What if it does? What kind of dickhead wants this--a baby-fighting cockroach mech--to be possible? Why up the food chain status of a terrifying, hissing insect if not out of pure, simple spite of your fellow man? We don't know the answers to these questions, but we know who does. You can ask her yourself later tonight. In your bedroom. Just listen for the beeping. And the hissing. In the dark.
She likes the dark, you know.
#1. The Breast Massager Robot
What the Hell is That Thing?
The Breast Massager Robot is meant to finally replace the need for human labor in the stark, hellish field of boob fondling. No more tragic groping fatalities--the breast-massaging robot is here!
The robot is meant to help stimulate breast growth in developing teenagers, relieve pain from sore pectoral muscles, and generally to relax stressed-out tits. The inventor also states that the breast massaging robot will help to "improve the quality of women's sex activities," a statement which makes fucking sound more like sex-bingo and genital arts and crafts. Finally, the robot proposes to assist "women who want pretty breasts." The logic being that if boobs are attractive, boobs with robots attached would be like sexual chocolate dynamite.
Why It's a Dick Move
If you thought it was bad losing production and assembly jobs to robots, wait until second base is outsourced to the machines. The idea that constant breast massaging stimulates growth in teenage girls is a brilliant falsehood to spread, and one we would've given anything to have thought of back in those lonely summer camp days. Unfortunately the progenitor of this beautiful, beautiful lie also has a fictional solution--one that takes that breast of hope directly out of the awkward, desperate grip of the horny teenagers it benefits--and replaces it instead with a steel bra welded to some car wash fronds and model train motors.
If the robot was designed for complete sexual gratification, that would be one thing--that's just another sex toy. But the robot is designed only to take boobs away from men and hand them over to science.
We suppose science can use all the breasts it can get, but really, does science have to be such a dick about it? This is no more than pure, old school cock-blocking, and that's the biggest dick move of all.
Find lots more from Robert Brockway at his site, IFightRobots.com.If you enjoy hating scientists for reasons beyond their pasty complexion and bad breath, check out our rundown of 5 Recent Scientific Advances and How They'll Destroy Us All. Or check out Those Aren't Muskets' sci-fi musical Star Trek TNG Rap (Warning Explicit Lyrics).