The 6 Most Gratuitously Cleavaged Women on TV
Nudity and television have an uneasy relationship. Sex sells, but TV can't even show nipples.
Television has found a happy medium in breast cleavage--that innocent eye candy for emasculated husbands and prepubescent boys alike. However, cleavage is such an effective marketing tool that it also turns up in the most unexpected--and disturbing--places.
(Oh and happy Mother's Day, ma! We made up a new word for you!)
#6.
Dr. Alexx Woods, Medical Examiner (CSI: Miami)
Job Description
Suspicious deaths are serious business. That's why the state employs a specially trained medical examiner to determine the cause of every death. To properly study the victims, you must spend most of your day leaning over them, for hours at a time, in front of other people.
The Cleavage
What better job to wear a skimpy tank top! Really, who would you rather have investigating your loved one's death? A sober and analytical clinician, or Dr. Alexx Woods, the sassy and emotionally labile medical examiner with a porn-star name and grade-A rack?
Sure, she has this disturbing habit of talking to dead bodies like they're still alive and she gives all her co-workers a heaping helping of homespun sass that several years of graduate training should have extinguished, but don't let that shake your faith in her professionalism. If anything, you should be concerned about her baffling knack for cleavage flashing next to cadavers.
We suppose that her impressive chest-chasm might be construed as an artsy metaphor for the gulf that separates life and death. We like that metaphor because it insinuates that death is simply another boob, and we hope it's really like that.
But, at the end of the day we'd rather not develop any unfortunate unconscious associations between corpses and big ol' titties. After all, funeral tumescence is the most inappropriate kind.
#5.
Giada de Laurentiis (Everyday Italian on the Food Network)
Job Description
There are no official standards for becoming a television chef, but you've got to have personality, and you have to be able to cut an onion really fast on live TV without looking like a moron. Most importantly, though, a TV chef has to make menial tasks entertaining.
Hmmm ... what are some ways we can do that?
The Cleavage
Giada is blessed with certain characteristics that might be described as obstacles to achieving optimal TV-chef charm. Her mouth, for instance, is Tony Robins-esque and she's got a gigantic head. In order to overcome these liabilities, she seems to have resorted to one of the more time-tested of feminine wiles: showing off the goods.
If it's done tastefully, this is a perfectly respectable strategy for increasing ones marketability. Giada, though, has taken it to the rarely vaunted 'wanton medieval barmaid' level.
That seems to send a bad message, since all of us know what it's like to get splattered with grease while frying an egg shirtless (or, you know, naked). And really, while enjoying what should be an innocuous family program, we shouldn't be provoked into involuntarily imagining anything splattered on the host's chest, even if it's just hot grease from a frying pan.
#4.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy, Dean of Medicine and Chief Hospital Administrator (House)
Job Description
As Dean of Medicine, you have a tremendous burden. You must earn and maintain the respect of patients and egomaniacal doctors alike while asserting an air of leadership the moment you walk in the room. Significantly less important to the job is asserting that you have huge boobs.
The Cleavage
For an eminently successful and intelligent medical professional, Dr. Lisa Cuddy has certainly amassed a number of self-sabotaging behaviors. We suspect all that stems from her frustration at having earned everything that she has received rather than sleeping her way to the top. This type of frustration can manifest itself in many ways, a soft-spot for inveterate misogynists for example.
None of these side-effects are more unfortunate than her desperate insistence on flaunting her well-supported sweater kittens at every opportunity. Working in her office, making her rounds, evaluating a patient: it doesn't seem to matter who she is distracting, or how much she risks undermining her authority.
Her cleavage is probably responsible for more off-screen deaths in the House universe than cancer.
I literally skimmed through this entire article to see if Jennifer Love Hewitt made the list.
ReplyI love Miss Love-Huge-Tits
ReplyGiada is a T-Rex
ReplyJust so we're clear, nobody's complaining. Right?
Replymy brother calls her Jennifer Love Huge-T*ts
ReplyWould have been nice to see at least one woman on this list who packs more than a C-cup. I guess television thinks we viewers all want to see mediocre breasts.
ReplyC-cups are great for regular sized women.
I guess Mexican actresses and tv personalities were left out because otherwise the whole article would be in spanish.
ReplyGiada should be nude always. And cook more and talk less.
ReplyHollywood probably chooses large-breasted actresses to portray professional women because they won't be 'as threatening' to male viewers. That, and they think that viewers are morons who can't recognize a woman if she's not all sexed up.
ReplyIn the case of Ms. Garrett, they were probably trying for the amply-endowed mother figure.
But NONE of these woman have large breasts.
Giada de Laurentiis' head is actually that big? I've only ever seen pictures of her, I thought it was just really really terrible picture-editing.
ReplyIs she really even a human?
Thank you Cracked! I thought it was just my tv or something, but Giada TOTALLY has a huge as head!
Replynobody read any of this! Mmmmmmm boobies!!!!!!! Great article!
ReplyIf you've got it, flaunt it. Why hide a nice cleavage in a t-shirt?
ReplyAlso, #6 just annoyed me. It's set in Miami, which I'm guessing is f*****g hot. Why NOT wear a tank top? I assume people like not passing out from the heat.
You know Cuddy's are fake too, normal women, when you see their breast bones, they have smaller breasts because breasts are fatty tissue, and people with little fatty tissue have little breasts. They're the kind that are OBVIOUSLY fake. I mean, unattractively fake. Bleh.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIf I had to venture a guess, I'd say Cuddy's tits are fake. However, women often assume that any woman who isn't built just like them has breast implants, which is unfair and insanely bitchy. Breasts are made of fat, yes, but how large they are also depends on hormones and genetics. There are large women with surprisingly small racks, and there really are skinny girls with naturally large breasts. I've been thin enough where you can see my breast bone, and I still wore a d-cup. And unless someone kidnapped me, drugged me, and performed cosmetic surgery on me without my knowledge, I'm pretty sure my breasts are real.
@lmlk813: THIS
I have an ex who's the tiniest woman you've ever seen (4'8"), & her tits are effing huge & 100% genuine. They'd be big for an average sized woman, but on her, it's like she's an anime character. OTOH, I had an ex who's 5'11", with such tiny breasts that a training bra would be overkill (she's totally gorgeous, BTW). Speaking from considerable experience, there is no way to tell if any given set of tits is real or not unless you see then naked. Then, it's pretty easy to tell - you can usually spot the scars under the breasts/around the aureoles, or the telltale bulge of the bag at the sides, or if they sit up while she's lying on her back.
lmlk813, nop666:
Pics or they're fake. Or video. Make sure you include plenty detail (you know, side, under, cleavage, buck naked, in motion etc.). I want to be able to, uh..."verify" your claims.
I thought Cuddy was supposed to be ridiculously sexy? Like in a "I'm your boss, but I'm still a woman and you still want to sleep with me, but I'm in charge, motherfucker." She's a badass.
Replydisappointing article. article pic was the setup to a massive letdown, starting with the first pic; alexx woods? really?
ReplyWhat a s****y article. Only the ghost Whisperer had anything close to the cleavage pictured in the banner, which served as.my expectations.
ReplyHalf of the women in this article don't have noteworthy cleavage, it's normal, nice sized, but I wouldn't describe them as gratuitously endowed.
ReplyYeah... Cuddy's boobs are awesome... what was this article about again?
ReplyNo mention of Nigella Lawson?
Reply