The 10 Least Useful iPod Accessories Money Can Buy

Do you want to be a millionaire? It's easy! All you have to do is invent a great product and market the fuck out of it. Do you want to make a fast buck? Then all you have to do is make an absurd accessory for one of those great products, like these guys did!

Tired of normal iPod accessories that could connect to car radios, or make pretty flashing lights? Australian pet stores decided to make something new. Something innovative. Something ... alive.

For only $60, you too can own the iPond, an iPod speaker with a built-in aquarium that hosts a single Betta fish. It's about the size of ... well, about the size of an iPod, and the whole thing shakes the fish in time to the music. We are unable to confirm rumors that the same Australian pet stores started off selling bonsaiKitten accessories.

So what's the problem?
For some reason, the idea of trapping a fish in a chintzy aquarium the size of a deck of cards its whole life, then vibrating it with bad pop songs, has got animal rights activists up in arms. They argue that the tiny enclosure is 15 times too small for the fish, that it doesn't provide sufficient oxygen, and that the risk of suffering through hours of Good Charlotte's "music" is just too high.

Seriously, imagine being trapped in a tiny box, and some asshole makes the walls vibrate along to his music. It's like living the rest of your life in a college dorm room.

In case you've always been too drunk to remember, a breathalyzer is the reason you wake up in jail after a night of heavy partying and erratic driving/neighborhood mailbox reduction. Once only available to law enforcement officials, anyone can now measure their blood alcohol content, at which point they'll drunkenly declare themselves fine to drive despite what it says.

The latest version connects to your iPod and is made available by David Steele Enterprises for only $50. But wait, there's more! This little gadget can also serve as an FM transmitter for your car radio.

So what's the problem?
How anti-social do you have to be to bring your iPod to the bar or a party with you? And how long do you think it'll take before you and your buddies start to use the breathalyzer to judge drinking competitions?

Still, more interesting to us than this product's potential for misuse is its vendor. David Steele seems to actually think that he's the Q to Steve Jobs' James Bond. Most of his website is used to sell hidden cameras and spy phones, but he seems to have been getting into iPod accessories recently. For example, he sells iPod video glasses, which we could probably make fun of if we wanted to, but which actually sound pretty damn cool (at least until the head-splitting migraines set in).

Griffin Technology produces a broad range of accessories for the iPod. Many of them are actually quite useful, consisting mostly of a variety of cases and hardware to hook up your iPod to a radio. Then they ran out of ideas.

Thus, the iBeam will provide both a flashlight and a laser pointer attachment for your iPod for only $19.95.

So what's the problem?
Let's just assume that for some inexplicable reason, you end up stranded somewhere in the middle of the night, and the only thing you have with you is your iPod. Hey, stranger things have happened. What do you think the chances are that you'll also just happen to have that dumb little flashlight attachment that your friend gave you as a joke gift?

Furthermore, you already have your iPod, and to the best of our knowledge, there has never been an iPod invented that doesn't already come with a built in backlight. So, you use up your headphone jack (making it impossible to listen to music) to plug in the iBeam, which does what your iPod already does anyway. To be worth our 20 bucks, we're thinking the laser attachment better be able to cut through a pair of handcuffs, James Bond-style (which we think is what Mr. Steele from the previous entry would've done).

The story goes that a Japanese man had his iPod crushed against a handrail in the infamous Japanese subway system. He decided to do the world a favor and invent an iPod case that could withstand overly crowded commuter trains. Then he also made it able to withstand stray bullets. And we're pretty sure that he continued to make it Godzilla-proof.

So what's the problem?
Let us ask you a question: What do you like about your iPod? It's small size? It's sleek, sexy shape? Perhaps you like the way it can fit in your pocket without ripping through and sliding down your leg? Or the fact that people don't give you horrified, repulsed looks every time you pull it out? All of these benefits are lost when you use the Bulletproof iPod Case.

Though we admit it would make a nice blunt weapon if things should turn ugly.

From hats to sneakers, lots of companies have made clothes you can plug your iPod into. We're not sure why you wouldn't just clip it to your belt like a proper, God-fearing human being, but at least all of them have a contrived sort of practicality to their design.

Then the Power Pouch Sports Bra and the iGroove iPod panties hit the scene. In case you've ever wanted to store your iPod in your underwear, want no more. The future is here, and it's stupid.

So what's the problem?
Do you know why evolution hasn't graced the kangaroo with a pouch that can support the iPod? Because that's retarded. The same thing goes for breasts. If mother nature doesn't want to mess up the beauty of the female form by slapping an awkward, boxy pouch over the most interesting part, then who the hell are we to argue?

As for the panties, we can't even imagine the scenario when this would come in handy. If you need your iPod on your person during hot sexy foreplay, then you should do like the rest of us and clench it between your butt cheeks.