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The 7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey

By David Wong April 29, 2008 3,394,433 views
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We are here to condemn Grand Theft Auto IV, and other equally great games, not out of hatred, but out of love. For it does no good to point out the flaws in bad games as bad games by definition cannot be saved.

No, we aim to save gaming from the abyss by pointing out the sins of games like the Elder Scrolls and Half Life series, games made by creators who actually care. It is in that spirit that we proclaim the commandments that they have broken, so that they may be redeemed.

Who are we? Just a bunch of gamers who got really, really bored. What are the consequences for breaking these commands? Well ... we might start reading books or something.

Therefore, we declare ...

#7.
Thou shalt let us play your game with real-life friends.

Violators:
Grand Theft Auto IV, MotorStorm, Shadowrun, etc.

Quick, tell us what the following games all have in common. We'll give you a hint, one thing is that they were all among the top 10 most popular games of 2007:

Wii Sports
Wii Play
Guitar Hero III
Super Mario Galaxy
Madden NFL 08
Guitar Hero II
Mario Party 8

But what else? If you answered, "None of them contain male frontal nudity" then, well, you haven't gotten the 122nd star in Mario Galaxy. If you said that these games all have multiplayer that's intended to be played with friends in the same room, you're right.

Likewise, what's at the top of sales in 2008? Smash Bros. Brawl.

The advantage that consoles have over, say, PCs, is that you can play from your comfy sofa. The reason the sofa is considered the pinnacle of furniture technology is because there's room for other people on it.

Yet, here's Grand Theft Auto IV, boasting about its robust multiplayer, and if you think "multiplayer" means inviting the gang over to play, get drunk, laugh and high-five each other until the break of dawn, too bad. You can't do that. Want to play with friends, they must be kept at arm's length, faceless at the other end of a broadband connection. Grand Theft Auto IV multiplayer is a world without hugs.

They'll say that GTA IV's vast open world makes split-screen impossible. OK, what about MotorStorm? It's a goddamned racing game, and they won't let you play a real-life friend on a split screen. A racing game.

Sorry, you know damned well that technical limitations aren't the reason everyone is dropping split screen. Every previous generation had it, in times with much less powerful systems and few widescreen TVs.


This system had 4 MB of RAM.

You're dropping it because four players on a split screen are playing off one $60 copy of the game. Four players playing online need four copies ($240).

And these are the same people who're baffled about how the Nintendo Wii was able to depants the whole industry with its cheap, underpowered little machine. Hey, maybe it's because they're the one company that still seems to realize humans need interaction with other humans. Real interaction, not trash talking over a headset behind fake names.

By the way, some of you are scratching your heads about having the obviously single-player Mario Galaxy up there on the list. Well, it turns out Nintendo included an option so that at any moment, a friend can pick up the second controller and, with the pointer, help the first player collect items and shoot at enemies. It's a small thing, but it means a guy can get his girlfriend in on the action and cut off her complaints that his gaming is taking away from his time with her.


Above: women

So when she comes over, do you think he's going to put on his GTA IV headset, or pop in Mario Galaxy? Here's a hint: The second choice gets him closer to touching boob.

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350 Comments

Ragnarok - I think he was picking on it because of the laughing voices, and how they sound absolutely pathetic.

While the game was a marvel, there were definitely bits and pieces that could be easily made fun of.

Hilarious article, and I agree with every bit of it.

7/2/2009 11:49:16 AM
tdug1991

I mostly agree right up to the last bit, where you picked on FFX.

That scene was just over a minute long, how can you attack the story of that game from watching thet little scene? FFX has over 100 hours of gameplay, hell, then main story of the game takes over 30 hours to complete.

So please, try and know what you're talking about next time, or else you just look like jackasses.

6/28/2009 9:43:37 AM
Ragnarok05

I think that this has been pointed out before but the sole reason why the Wii or the Nintendo DS have outsold all others is because of their lower price. That's why Toyota Yaris has sold way more cars than BMW Series 7 models. Wii also has the worst games out of all consoles, if you don't trust me head over to http://www.metacritic.com/games/wii/ and compare it's games to other systems. Even tho I agree entirely with everything you've written about I just can't agree that the Nintendo has sold more because it's more fun, it's just aimed at poor-er people.

6/23/2009 9:07:23 PM
Broloc

they think its bad that oblivion had a huge map? or any game thats like that? thats what made them awesome! sandbox games arent that great. open worlds are amazing! thats why games like oblivion and fallout 3 got game of the year!

6/22/2009 9:14:34 PM
atheistnation

There is hope though. Look at Fallout 3, which I believe to be one of the best games ever made. The only commandment it breaks is the lack of multiplayer, which it was really never designed for anyway. The team AI is limited to a single person, but it's fairly intelligent, the world is huge and hiking can take a long time, but there's just so much stuff to do between destinations.

Oh, and if you're looking for "bullets that create wounds", there isn't a better game out there. Hell the game even slows the bullet down so you can see it rip the guy's arm off in slo-mo. How cool is that?

6/11/2009 1:16:44 AM
One_Above_All

Epic article. for #3, the solution to keeping "tension" is to have a suspend & save system, where you can suspend at any time (quitting your game), but when you start it up again, the suspend data is cleared so the tension is still there.

In the 360's case, the suspend data shouldn't be cleared, for obvious reasons ;)

6/10/2009 11:32:23 AM
headcase88

lollll, i'm on my wii looking at this article and when i scrolled down to the screen shot of, i think it was, gears of war, a message popped up that said something about not enough memory. ironic.

5/26/2009 1:15:21 AM
elkatieface

A few other things I think are f*****g horrendous in games: Sewer levels, this isn't like a strict rule or anything, it's just that I've still to play a sewer level that I actually enjoyed; they should give what they advertise, remember the advert for Heavenly Sword, the one where you see her do a massive triple flip whilst sliding down a rope then kicking the ass of a million guys, they said that it was "actual game-play," but they didn't tell us that it was all executed with a single button!

5/18/2009 3:14:57 AM
microhendy

@asdfzxc920

Be that as it may, you're gonna get s**t for that.

5/13/2009 10:48:53 AM
PeakJ

I only agree with 1 and 2. Everything else is clearly written by somebody who has NO IDEA how games are developed.

4/29/2009 3:41:41 AM
asdfzxc920

There should be a rule like this about MMORPGs:
"Thou shalt make a MMORPG that have more than just PvE, PvP, leveling up and getting better equipment, AND anything related"

Because, let's face it. MMOs like WoW, Warhammer, Silkroad and anything else based in good graphics and killing the hell out of everything in sight is just a big pain in the ass. It's no wonder people like to hop from MMO to MMO.

4/28/2009 11:22:33 PM
Yaridovich

funny , i will uploaded this to tall dating site ___Tallmingle.com____ to share with my best friends,especially the hot models.

4/28/2009 10:16:55 AM
Shirleyxx

Thank you for the multiplayer comment. I can live with GTA4 for not being multiplayer.

What gets me are the FPS's. Oh sure their "techniqually" multiplayer... but guess what?
I don't have any freaking internet access in my basement!!!
Medal of Honor: Rising Sun let me and one of my friends duke it out with computers on split screen. Or even me alone if I wanted to.

Now what do I get with this generation?!? Running around an empty field picking up weapons and dreaming of shooting 59 other guys...

...I can only replay levels so many times.

4/24/2009 3:20:30 PM
ijpowers

It was good.
Get rid of that surplus watch, books, car, toaster, sewing machine, or clothes by the selling format of Uploaded.TV. Simply shoot a video of the item that you want to sell and upload it in www.uploaded.tv. Now relax, watch your video on real TV, and see how people queue up worldwide to show interest to buy your belonging.

4/20/2009 5:27:20 AM
debasree

I'm sorry, but if you aren't killing nazis or nips then you just aren't killing.

4/19/2009 1:46:24 PM
zombies!

one of the best games i have ever played involved dicking around o horseback for ages to find the next 'boss'. the game was shadow of the collosus and it was absolutely brilliant. i once spent five hours on ecstasy trying to make one jump over a chasm. totally fucked it up every time. came down. did it in one go. i still count those five hours as some of the best five hours of my life. so slagging a game with travelling sequences off just aint right

4/18/2009 8:26:17 PM
fireprism

And, at the end, an ad for "CIVONY": "A WORLD YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, A STORY HAS NEVER BEEN TOLD, A CAMPAIGN YOU REALLY SHOULD FIGHT WITH, A HOMELAND NEED YOU TO PROTECT!"

4/18/2009 1:03:43 PM
tydaeus

Yeah, in fairness it was EA who screwed the pooch on the PS3 port of Orange Box. Proof that the biggest publishers/studios aren't always the best. Otherwise this article was spot-on.

4/14/2009 2:44:12 AM
DasBroose

Heh, Hl2 is pretty good, you just don't like the style

4/10/2009 11:59:26 AM
LCP

EA developed the PS3 port of Orange Box, not Valve.

4/9/2009 7:09:45 PM
yournamehere

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