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The 7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey

By David Wong
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We are here to condemn Grand Theft Auto IV, and other equally great games, not out of hatred, but out of love. For it does no good to point out the flaws in bad games as bad games by definition cannot be saved.

No, we aim to save gaming from the abyss by pointing out the sins of games like the Elder Scrolls and Half Life series, games made by creators who actually care. It is in that spirit that we proclaim the commandments that they have broken, so that they may be redeemed.

Who are we? Just a bunch of gamers who got really, really bored. What are the consequences for breaking these commands? Well ... we might start reading books or something.

Therefore, we declare ...

#7.
Thou shalt let us play your game with real-life friends.

Violators:
Grand Theft Auto IV, MotorStorm, Shadowrun, etc.

Quick, tell us what the following games all have in common. We'll give you a hint, one thing is that they were all among the top 10 most popular games of 2007:

Wii Sports
Wii Play
Guitar Hero III
Super Mario Galaxy
Madden NFL 08
Guitar Hero II
Mario Party 8

But what else? If you answered, "None of them contain male frontal nudity" then, well, you haven't gotten the 122nd star in Mario Galaxy. If you said that these games all have multiplayer that's intended to be played with friends in the same room, you're right.

Likewise, what's at the top of sales in 2008? Smash Bros. Brawl.

The advantage that consoles have over, say, PCs, is that you can play from your comfy sofa. The reason the sofa is considered the pinnacle of furniture technology is because there's room for other people on it.

Yet, here's Grand Theft Auto IV, boasting about its robust multiplayer, and if you think "multiplayer" means inviting the gang over to play, get drunk, laugh and high-five each other until the break of dawn, too bad. You can't do that. Want to play with friends, they must be kept at arm's length, faceless at the other end of a broadband connection. Grand Theft Auto IV multiplayer is a world without hugs.

They'll say that GTA IV's vast open world makes split-screen impossible. OK, what about MotorStorm? It's a goddamned racing game, and they won't let you play a real-life friend on a split screen. A racing game.

Sorry, you know damned well that technical limitations aren't the reason everyone is dropping split screen. Every previous generation had it, in times with much less powerful systems and few widescreen TVs.


This system had 4 MB of RAM.

You're dropping it because four players on a split screen are playing off one $60 copy of the game. Four players playing online need four copies ($240).

And these are the same people who're baffled about how the Nintendo Wii was able to depants the whole industry with its cheap, underpowered little machine. Hey, maybe it's because they're the one company that still seems to realize humans need interaction with other humans. Real interaction, not trash talking over a headset behind fake names.

By the way, some of you are scratching your heads about having the obviously single-player Mario Galaxy up there on the list. Well, it turns out Nintendo included an option so that at any moment, a friend can pick up the second controller and, with the pointer, help the first player collect items and shoot at enemies. It's a small thing, but it means a guy can get his girlfriend in on the action and cut off her complaints that his gaming is taking away from his time with her.


Above: women

So when she comes over, do you think he's going to put on his GTA IV headset, or pop in Mario Galaxy? Here's a hint: The second choice gets him closer to touching boob.


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191 Comments

Like all commandments, there are variations. But for the most part, these work. Kudos!

Posted on 5/10/2008 2:36:32 PM

I should really learn to read better (or an edit button should help :P) The jumping thing in Hl2 in the Ravenholm level, really, what was so bad about that?? You're in a dark zombie town, alone (well most of the time) and you use pre-set traps like that really cool made car-trap to squish the zombies. It wasn't even a jumping "puzzle", you just did not walk in the streets.

Posted on 5/10/2008 11:17:15 AM

O by the way, the same counts for Bioshock. You're a friggin' survivor of a plane crash who stumbles upon a sunken city, what the hell do you expect, that he's loaded with guns like a marine?? Come on... They're right about (in the same commandement) headcrabs in HL2 though. They could've made those little buggers much more exciting.

Posted on 5/10/2008 11:00:23 AM

Some things I don't really agree on: The crowbar in Half Life 2. Really, when you start the game the only thing you really want to do is get your ass to a laboratory. Even then, after about 200 meters of fleeing you'll get a gun. Another one indeed, is the split screen in GTA4, it seems indeed pretty hard to do. With the rest, totally agreed.

Posted on 5/10/2008 10:50:26 AM

expanding on #7 regarding Army of Two [for x360] as well as a slew of other new games: you need to have two 360s and two copies of the game and they cut the system link feature. you can't connect one cable and run a co-op game. you have to both be connected to xboxlive and both have gold accounts. two xbox360pros : $700 two copies of Ao2: $120 two xbxlive gold 1yr: $100 the fact that it's cost you over $200 to play a game with a buddy and you're still going to shell out an other $5 bucks each for new maps in a couple of months: priceless.

Posted on 5/9/2008 11:33:49 PM

I know oblivion sucks ass if you have a fuckin arrow a shoot him the face it's like nothing happened to him.And resident evil 4 that bitch ashley is so goddamn stupid you have to friggin' catch when you climb down a ladder

Posted on 5/9/2008 5:08:20 PM

I totally agree with all the commandments! The commandment about multiplayer is so relavent, the point of having games is to share them with your friends. Sure onlines ok for random killing fun, but splitscreen is definitely the way id like to kill my friends! :}

Posted on 5/9/2008 8:30:44 AM

I completely agree. I have been trying to find new games to play with my boyfriend and it seems impossible nowadays.

Posted on 5/9/2008 7:17:50 AM

@jackanator: Wooh, yeah, jackanate the microsoft dick, wooh! BWAHAHAHAH!

Posted on 5/7/2008 8:43:45 PM

@jackanator: You can count? Wow, good for you... Loser. Go find yourself a real girl and stop jacking off to porn. And while you're at it, grow some real pubic hair. Oh wait, you can't because you're just a lil pwnable noob kid with no pubic hair. So what do you know? Working at microsoft? Oh yeah, your dick is microsoft. Wahahah!

Posted on 5/7/2008 8:37:02 PM

wow~~This guy has posted his personal ad to a celebrities dating site called “LovingRich.com“ for several months. I just visited his profile page yesterday. It seems he has logged in recently. OMG, is he looking for a new relationship?

Posted on 5/6/2008 10:50:34 PM

How about thou shat not sell your game or company to EA?

Posted on 5/6/2008 9:29:33 AM

@callmecal 1) no one gives a shit about the age of a degenerate fuk. 2)microsoft is fuked whether i'm in it or not. 3)nintendo can go suck a fish ball.

Posted on 5/6/2008 6:50:34 AM

Im probably not the first to have said this, but WTF was with that FF cutscene? Makes me want to start laughing really lound and really fake. or not. If you want a game for people who actually have dicks, try eve-online.

Posted on 5/6/2008 2:23:49 AM

If microsoft actually hired you then society at large is doomed and the world of gaming rests solely on Nintendo's shoulders. Oh wait, that's true anyway. How old are you, like ten? (I'm 20, in case anybody cares)

Posted on 5/5/2008 10:43:40 PM

@ Welsh, schooL? i dont know about 555666777 ( yes actually i do. i gave him 20 cents last time i saw him eatin shit on the streets), but i work in microsoft, and occasionally when i get bored i come here and pwn ignorant noobs.

Posted on 5/5/2008 7:48:15 PM

Wow. Anybody want to learn Chinese? Check it out: www.mandarintoplist.com

Posted on 5/5/2008 1:09:04 PM

You guys are obviously way too cool for school.

Posted on 5/5/2008 9:37:43 AM

@5556667778888wowicancount first.let me point out that wat kind of mutant fukhead actually has hair on their actual balls? are u fucken lost? by sayin that its evident u r a fat slut who knows nothing about anything. go back to the biology class and suck ur mum.

Posted on 5/5/2008 8:29:56 AM

@Jackanator: You wanted to have Mr. Wong's baby? Ohohoh shit. Two things jackanator; either you're having fun with the games, or not. If you're not having fun, then that's because you suck ass. If you ARE having fun, then you fall into one of the 3 categories that you told us that is 1) lil kids in puberty, 2) hot chicks, and 3) no-skill noobs. I totally doubt you're a hot chick, so it's either you're a lil kid with no hair on your balls, or a weak ass noob flapping his wannabe-ownage lips around. So just shut up. Wannabe.

Posted on 5/5/2008 3:49:54 AM

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