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Even after including all of the items we actually need in our lives, computer catalogs still have many pages left to fill. Fortunately, there is an entire industry working hard to invent useless and downright asinine devices, in the hopes that someone will accidentally buy them. Such as: #10.
USB Mouse Jiggler
The USB Mouse Jiggler is a USB device that you plug into your computer. The device 'jiggles' your mouse around every few minutes so the sleep mode or screen saver doesn't come on, presumably so you can snooze in front of your computer and still look like you're working. Why It's Pointless Inventing gadgets for the lazy man is what makes America great (hell, we use Segways on our treadmills) but paying $30 for something that replaces 10 seconds worth of mouse clicking (the amount of time it would take you to adjust the sleep mode timer) is on a whole different level of laziness. This is on the level of hiring a guy to operate your TV remote for you. #9.
USB Eye Massager
The eye massager is a peripheral shaped like two fingers ready to attempt a Three Stooges-style eye poking. So it makes perfect sense that they'd sell it as a USB device meant to be used around your eyes. It has two distinct vibrating settings: high speed, (which we're assuming is fatal since it would vibrate right into your brain) and low speed (which, while not fatal, probably causes major retinal damage and subsequent blindness). On the upside, according to the creators, this is pretty much mankind's greatest invention ever. Not only does it soothe your aching eyeballs, it also relieves tension in the central nervous system, aids digestion, stimulates the lymphatic system and fights against infection by boosting your immune system. The creators are already working on a USB back massager that cures cancer. Why It's Pointless
#8.
Aroma USB
The Aroma USB is a USB-powered air freshener that sends wafts of sweet scents around to counter any offensive odors. The website boasts that the device is "preloaded with fragrance" (unlike those irritating air fresheners that you have to load with fragrance yourself) and comes in an assortment of colors. Why It's Pointless
Scented candles and other air fresheners carry out the exact same task without wasting one of the limited USB slots in your computer that could be used for more important devices like that USB fondue set you've had your eye on. The Aroma USB seems to be primarily aimed at businesses, though we think that most businesses would be more focused on making money than shelling out thousands of dollars on scented computer peripherals. The company dares to ask the question, "Isn't a scented USB stick with no RAM better than a boring normal USB stick?" And we dare to answer, "No, not in the slightest." #7.
USB Humping Dog
The USB humping dog is possibly the most hilarious USB device ever. It's a USB drive shaped like a dog, but that's not all. When you plug it in, it begins to rhythmically thrust into your USB port in a hilarious imitation of a dog humping. It comes in two different colors: brown and black. It can also ... eh ... did we mention how hilarious it is? As you can hear, the sound is not at all annoying and it's so quiet you can only hear it from, like, four or five cubicles away. Yes, we can't wait until the douchebag at the next workstation over gets one of these so we can hear that mechanical clicking sound for hours on end while he giggles his ass off. Why It's Pointless It's actually not if your point is to trigger an office shooting spree.#6.
Dutch Dead Bbudd Speakers
Those crazy Dutchmen have taken a break from their drug-trafficking and prostitute peddling to design some unnerving new computer devices. Here we have a speaker system described as a "little dead desktop buddy," which is a doll dressed in gimp-style black leather, with X's for eyes (typically denoting death) with speakers integrated in the soles of the feet. Hey, why not. Why It's Pointless The speakers actually have pretty low-quality audio, so it appears the company was relying on the novelty of a sound-generating S&M teddy bear to sell the item--a pretty frightening idea when you think about it. Actually, it's probably best not to. |
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I giggled so much at the humping dog.
Agreed on almost all counts, but I do know a very legitimate use for the roll-up keyboard. Any business that uses touch-screen point-of-sale computers will likely not have keyboards connected to each system. Many of those companies (being chains in most cases) don't have onsite IT, but rather in an office across town or even across the country. For these well-traveled IT professionals, a keyboard that can easily be rolled up and tossed into a messenger bag with various software discs and cables is an ideal tool.
Just sayin'.
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I have a roll-up piano keyboard. It's like trying to play a remote control.
Also my aunt got me one of those humping dogs, except it's a bunny. That was an awkward Christmas.
the quest for a quoted comment in the round-up.....
lol my friend has a roll up key boards.. it not all that handy =.=.. and the humping dog just pisses me off. its like wth?
Even better: USB pet rock! It's not your dad's pet rock, it's the pet rock of the FUTURE!
http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/cubegoodies/c208/
The slippers one makes sense. Lots of Japanese people wear slippers at work, and considering that buildings, schools, houses, etc.. aren't insulated, floors can get pretty damn cold in the winter.
Heyyyy... I actually HAVE one of those roll-up keyboards...
Actually, I think roll-up keyboards will come in handy when they make roll-up monitors and such.
Wait a minute, then we'd need roll-up computer chips, batteries, et cetera...
Whatever. They're still useful for swatting flies when rolled up.
we use those roll up key boards all the time.. great for High dust environments such as Lumber Mills
As an art student who keeps most music on their laptop I would find the sharpener quite useful but as for the bouncer, WTF!?
I have a Roll-Up Keyboard. I was tired of buying a new keyboard every time I spilled a beer. This one has lasted for a year and it is very easy to clean up all of the marijauna particles for later smoking, as opposed to having it sucked up in a mini-vac. So fuck you.
3rd the Vampire demand. Oh BTW cool article
The roll-up keyboard is handy when you have an A9home computer which you want to take with you.
The mouse jiggling program would come in pretty handy when watching a movie. I know you could just turn your screen saver off, but if you're like me you would then forget to turn it back on again and thats never a good thing.
also the roll up keyboards are used at one of my favorite pubs back home where they have about 12 comps set up around the bar.... so yeah, I think they have their applications :P
The air freshener is priceless though LOL
he......the f**k? all new media players automaticaly deactivate the screen saver when playing a movie or something...
totally saw an article in the newspaper today about how the humping dog is becoming an internet phenomenon, thanks to a youtube video (no thanks to cracked.com)
Those roll up keyboards came in pretty handy the last time me and my buddies hacked into the Soc Sec Admin and stole all the money in all the banks in the country. But later Bruce Willis and his smokin hot daughter killed all of us, so I guess their use was a little limited after all.
I met my new friends at a cele hot club __Blackgirlsconnect.com__ several days ago. It is a funny and interesting place. So nice to talk and date some girls or guys on here.
Nah, I don't need a website to meet black people I know where the courthouse is.
Hey now. That mouse jiggler isn't such a weird gadget if you know what its for. A few of my friends work in computer forensics and swear by it. If the mouse keeps moving, the screen saver doesn't come on and you don't have to worry about passwords, see?
Forensics seems like the sort of thing passwords were invented for. Also, replying to 2 year old comments.
I second the vampire demand.
We need more Cracked articles featuring scsi ports, as well as vampires.