The 10 Most Baffling Computer Gadgets Money Can Buy

Even after including all of the items we actually need in our lives, computer catalogs still have many pages left to fill. Fortunately, there is an entire industry working hard to invent useless and downright asinine devices, in the hopes that someone will accidentally buy them.

Such as:

The USB Mouse Jiggler is a USB device that you plug into your computer. The device 'jiggles' your mouse around every few minutes so the sleep mode or screen saver doesn't come on, presumably so you can snooze in front of your computer and still look like you're working.

Why It's Pointless

Inventing gadgets for the lazy man is what makes America great (hell, we use Segways on our treadmills) but paying $30 for something that replaces 10 seconds worth of mouse clicking (the amount of time it would take you to adjust the sleep mode timer) is on a whole different level of laziness. This is on the level of hiring a guy to operate your TV remote for you.

The eye massager is a peripheral shaped like two fingers ready to attempt a Three Stooges-style eye poking. So it makes perfect sense that they'd sell it as a USB device meant to be used around your eyes. It has two distinct vibrating settings: high speed, (which we're assuming is fatal since it would vibrate right into your brain) and low speed (which, while not fatal, probably causes major retinal damage and subsequent blindness).

On the upside, according to the creators, this is pretty much mankind's greatest invention ever. Not only does it soothe your aching eyeballs, it also relieves tension in the central nervous system, aids digestion, stimulates the lymphatic system and fights against infection by boosting your immune system. The creators are already working on a USB back massager that cures cancer.

Why It's Pointless

Before you enthusiastically plunge this device into you eye socket, consider this: why on Earth should you risk blindness when you could just use your own fingers to massage your eyeballs? We aren't entirely convinced by the creators' claims about the devices' supposed magical healing capabilities either. We're not saying they're lying (legally we can't), we're just saying they have something in common with Pinocchio (i.e. both are fucking liars). If you're still considering buying this, then we urge you to take the price into account. We can assure you that there is a multitude of less expensive ways to blind yourself such as peppering the eyeball or a good old-fashioned eye stabbing.

The Aroma USB is a USB-powered air freshener that sends wafts of sweet scents around to counter any offensive odors. The website boasts that the device is "preloaded with fragrance" (unlike those irritating air fresheners that you have to load with fragrance yourself) and comes in an assortment of colors.

Why It's Pointless

OK, it's at this point we have to stop and ask just how many free USB ports they think people have on their machines. We've already got a keyboard, mouse, printer and a thumb drive crammed in there. Why in the world would we sacrifice another slot for a USB gadget that shouldn't need to be powered at all.

Scented candles and other air fresheners carry out the exact same task without wasting one of the limited USB slots in your computer that could be used for more important devices like that USB fondue set you've had your eye on.

The Aroma USB seems to be primarily aimed at businesses, though we think that most businesses would be more focused on making money than shelling out thousands of dollars on scented computer peripherals. The company dares to ask the question, "Isn't a scented USB stick with no RAM better than a boring normal USB stick?" And we dare to answer, "No, not in the slightest."

The USB humping dog is possibly the most hilarious USB device ever. It's a USB drive shaped like a dog, but that's not all. When you plug it in, it begins to rhythmically thrust into your USB port in a hilarious imitation of a dog humping. It comes in two different colors: brown and black. It can also ... eh ... did we mention how hilarious it is?

As you can hear, the sound is not at all annoying and it's so quiet you can only hear it from, like, four or five cubicles away.

Yes, we can't wait until the douchebag at the next workstation over gets one of these so we can hear that mechanical clicking sound for hours on end while he giggles his ass off.

Why It's Pointless

Those crazy Dutchmen have taken a break from their drug-trafficking and prostitute peddling to design some unnerving new computer devices. Here we have a speaker system described as a "little dead desktop buddy," which is a doll dressed in gimp-style black leather, with X's for eyes (typically denoting death) with speakers integrated in the soles of the feet. Hey, why not.

Why It's Pointless

The speakers actually have pretty low-quality audio, so it appears the company was relying on the novelty of a sound-generating S&M teddy bear to sell the item--a pretty frightening idea when you think about it. Actually, it's probably best not to.