The 5 Most Ridiculous Lies You Were Taught In History Class
|
#2.
Washington and the Cherry Tree
The story:
As a child, we were told, George Washington came into possession of a hatchet, and went about his days chopping the shit out of everything he saw. One day he came upon his father's prize cherry tree, and without so much as a second thought he chopped that sucker down, presumably because it was a Monarchist. Upon being quizzed by his father about the event, Washington proudly admitted that he had been the culprit, due to his inability to lie. The story was later loosely adapted to film with Jim Carrey in the leading role.
The truth:
Weems recalled many fantastic stories about Washington, with particular emphasis on his overwhelming moral fortitude and infallibility. The cherry tree story is of particular importance, because it demonstrates that Washington can easily destroy things, and just chooses not to.
According to Weems, "at the sight of him, even those blessed spirits seem[ed] to feel new raptures." That's right, when the angels learned of the existence of George Washington, they began to second-think their allegiance to their much less powerful leader, God. Curiously, Weems waited until Washington was dead before publishing his anecdotes. As it turns out, if Washington was indeed incapable of lying, then Mason Weems was surely his exact nemesis, seeing as his recounting of Washington's exploits were about as historically accurate as the 1999 Civil War documentary Wild Wild West.
Nevertheless, Weems' pack of lies were taught as fact in American school textbooks for over a century, probably because they are much more enthralling than the true story of a man who, by more reliable accounts, was actually a bland, boring and uncharismatic everyman who just happened to be taller than average, and pretty good at warring. The story still resonates today, delivered to your children's impressionable minds through such reliable media as Sesame Street. Why does this bullshit story survive? Perhaps because the central message still resonates: "It's much easier to tell the truth when you're the one holding the ax." #1.
Benjamin Franklin, the Kite and the Thunderstorm
The story:
Franklin, with a knowing wink, went out into a raging thunderstorm and released a kite with a lightning rod affixed to the top and a metal key attached to the string. When the kite had annoyed the face of God to the point that he threw a bolt of lightning at it, the charge passed down the string and into the key, and when Franklin touched the key, it let off a spark of static, which somehow allowed him to discover electricity.
The truth:
Many people today who believe the amended story of Franklin's kite experiment grew up immersed in the revisionist history of Walt Disney, whose classic cartoon Ben and Me portrayed Franklin not only as having flown the kite in a thunderstorm, but also having been a complete fucking jerk.
While few people still believe that all of Franklin's innovations are actually attributable to his pet mouse, the kite story is still widely accepted despite the unfortunate testimonies of anyone who's ever been stupid enough to replicate it. The reality of Franklin's experiment is that it simply involved flying a kite into some clouds to collect a few harmless ions, in order to prove that the atmosphere carries a charge. It is through Franklin's discoveries that science was able to infer, later on, that lightning probably has something to do with electricity. The idea that his kite was actually directly struck by a bolt of lightning is a rather dramatic exaggeration perpetuated by some school textbooks, which also helpfully serves to convince generations of children that getting hit by lightning is not only totally harmless, but scientific fun! It also, like the Newton apple thing, takes one of history's great geniuses and portrays them experiencing childlike wonder at some now-common idea, as if everyone who lived before the 20th century was a childlike simpleton.
Why can't there be some other legend about him, one closer to his real personality? Like the time he pleasured six women at once. Sure, we made that up. But if you go out and repeat it enough, it'll be in the textbooks by 2050. Let's try it. S Peter Davis runs the exceedingly adequate SPeterDavis.com. The illustrations in the article were by Nedroid of Nedroid.com fame. If you liked that, you'll probably enjoy reading about more bullshit your mom tried to pull on you in 5 Common Body Myths Debunked. Or, enjoy S Peter Davis's tour through the The History of the Sitcom. And be sure to find out how the latest Vogue cover manages to be the most racist masturbation fodder since Paris Hilton became too skanky to excite us anymore. |
|
|
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
FarkRecommended for Your Pleasure
-
Nuke the Moon: 5 Certifiably Insane Cold War Projects
by: Bronzulton Q607,794 views -
6 Ancient Sports Too Awesome For the Modern World
590,651 views -
The 7 Most Badass Last Stands in the History of Battle
by: Ben Thompson562,244 views -
6 Historic Villains You Didn't Know Had Incredible Careers
by: Kathy Benjamin549,979 views
The timecube link just made my head explode! i mean come on! We've got rambling:"Educators are KILLING US!", rascism:"White Americans deserve to be hacked to death
by the Black Race - for they are dumb, educated
ONEness stupid and worship EVIL ONEness
WHICH EQUATES DEATH of OPPOSITES. ", and whatever the heck this is:"Creation is the Harmonics of Opposites -
Opposites are the Harmonics of Creation.
God entity is q***r sex, or no opposite sex.
God Oners must ban all sex with Opposites.
Trinity of males degrade female opposites.
Sex okay for atheist, but not God Oneists.
Opposite hemispheres equate planets to a
Giant Brain, that has 4 faces, but no limbs.
Adults create baby, baby evolves to adult.
No 1 God can create a planet of opposites,
which equate to a zero value existence, and
cancels to nothing as an entity in death. " seriously Dr.Gene Ray? Seriously?
ADDENDUM: circumference, not diameter. Why did I write diameter?
You know, there is a reason why a) the original native Carib people are more or less extinct and b) Columbus was fired from his post as governor of the Caribbean. To get to the bottom of this, let's go back to the beginning.
Columbus was basically an Italian with sketchy origins who one day, went to the King and Queen of Spain and asked them to fund a westward expedition to Asia with three barely sea-worthy vessels. His voyage was entirely based on his assumption that the Earth was about six thousand miles in diameter and that China was about half-way across the world.
In modern day terms, it would be like L. Ron Hubbard proposing to the Senate that NASA fund an expedition to Jupiter, based on his calculations that the core of the planet houses a hyperspace gate. The difference in Columbus' case was that he was talking to the King and Queen of Spain, who could basically do whatever the f**k they wanted. So they eventually gave him his three ships.
Columbus also made a number of other outrageous demands: in return for claiming any lands he may discover in the name of the Spanish crown, he would become governor of those territories, given the rank of "Admiral of the Seas", as well as a twenty foot long gold chain with his name and title made out in encrusted rubies. Admittedly the last part was a lie, but it would've made more sense than any other demands he made.
So when he set off to go find China, everyone else thought that either he was simply going to wind up in the middle of a massive expanse of ocean and starve to death, or that the crew would decide to throw him overboard and return back to Spain. Much to everyone's surprise, he managed to find land. He thought it was India; we know it now as the Caribbean.
As promised, he became governor of the new land and quickly put the natives to work. Unfortunately, due the harsh European labour laws of the time, as well as filthy European diseases, the natives quickly died off and nearly became extinct. Columbus was later fired from his post, and died in poverty. Meanwhile, the native Caribs were replaced by hardier African slaves, but that's another story.
So in conclusion Columbus was pretty much an incompetent, arrogant, and incredibly lucky bastard who somehow managed to get the King and Queen of Spain to fund an expedition to what most people thought was nowhere, and was even fortunate in actually reaching any land at all.
Besides the explanation in the article, the only other reason why Columbus is so famous is well, because Western historians have traditionally taken a European stance. Not entirely their fault really, because back then, the Internet had yet to be invented and so only had access to what resources available to their country.
Holy f**k, I could've written an entire article with that.
@jdbaldwin
"Actually, Einstein never really accepted quantum theory."
If he accepted quantum theory, he wouldn't have been very interested in "solving its mysteries" now would he?
It's been said, it's worth saying again: Columbus was from Genoa (Italy). He was therefore Genovese. Not quite Italian, since Italy itself didn't exist before 1861.
Cool article anyway.
Although an apple most definitely did not fall on Newton's head, he did use the story to explain the theory. Newton created the story.
And, seriously you thought Columbus was Spanish?
where are your citations?
@obxsurferbabe Columbus didn't really kill the natives. That was Cortes, Pizarro, and subsequent conquistadors, mainly from the region of Extremadura, Spain.
"...he crashed into the future greatest nation on Earth, baby!" What, Cuba?
Sweet Christ...the writing....it's beautiful........
WOW, that TIMECUBE link blew Me away, thats some crazy ass s**t! I dont get it but whoever wrote that s**t was a crazy f****n wack job!!
#4.Einstein Flunked Math
Wooo!!! Carlisle reference~! ...Ben Nevis reference?! Even bigger Wooo!!!
Okay, I'm finished XD
funny I always thought Columbus was from Columbia, but I guess you learn something new everyday
Uh, both Wikipedia and Newton say that there is some truth to the apple thing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaac_Newton#Newton.27s_apple
Fail.
christopher colombus was genovese you fuckheads not spanish not portuguese damnn read a f*****g book
v you are an idiot, fivepoundnote.
Another lie still being taught in school is the notion that Western women were (and still are) somehow oppressed.
Someone might have already made this point (apologies if so): Columbus was Genoa, an Italian city-state. His exploration was funded by Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain, which sometimes leads to confusion.
B
Leif Eriksson is presumed to be the first one to discover America, or "Vinland" as they called it back then.
He and his men got their asses whooped by indian rage, and went home to the safe fjords of Norway.
Or, let's not forget how he savagely killed the so called "Indians" and made them mine for gold...yeah, let's celebrate a guy who murdered hundreds of Native Americans and give him his own f****n holiday. Also, Columbus did in fact get funding from Spain, Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand. He originally went to whoever was the Ruler of Italy and asked him to fund the voyage and well we all know how that turned out...anyway, good article...I'm so fed up with the lies they teach in school.
This article is just missing one point with Columbus. The biggest lie probably isn't that people in his time didn't think the world was flat. The much bigger lie is that Columbus discovered America. Before him there was at least an anonymous Asian guy who came across the sea and then started what's now referred to as First Nations. Then there were some norsemen who came to North America. It was some 500 years after that Columbus finally got to America.
The fact that there is so little attention for the First Nations in history books, is a very significant form of americentrism/eurocentrism. The non-white are constantly being degraded to a much less important position in history.
More on History
-
5 Myths That People Don't Realize Are Admitted Hoaxes
1,219,978 views -
The 5 Ballsiest Lies Ever Passed off as Journalism
777,416 views -
The 6 Most Horrific Bosses of All Time
769,687 views -
5 Great Things You Didn't Know Came from Horrific Tragedies
743,886 views
-
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
by: CRACKED21,505 views -
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
by: Tremendosaur68,125 views
-
Articles
-
Videos
-
Columnists
-
More Cracked
-
About
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Um, Gottfried Leibniz had quite a bit to do with the creation of calculus, too.