History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives
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#5.
Animal Intestines
Condoms are not, as you'd suspect, the result of some drunken man looking at a party balloon and getting an idea. The idea of wrapping one's wang for delivery has been around for ages, long before latex, Saran Wrap and tube socks were viable options. Back then, animal intestines were the order of the day, most likely because somebody was making sausage and made the logical connection. One of the oldest known condoms is made from a pig intestine and even has a user manual that suggests soaking it in warm milk before use, probably because just humping with a pig intestine was only half gross, but if you could somehow include sour milk in the mix well, that'd put it right over the top. Again, you have to remember that ancient civilizations existed mainly to disgust the future. #4.
Diaphragms of Opium
You know what else will never go out of style? Opium. Long before recorded history, there have been segments of the population who decided that everything could be made a little better with a little bit of opium thrown in. This includes the people of ancient Sumatra, who figured they might as well use it for birth control. So, they'd take a sticky wad of opium and, you know--wedge it in there. Now, we hesitate to even include this because we have a feeling right now there is some dude at his computer, gel in his hair and three buttons open on his shirt, reading this and suddenly having an awesome idea for Saturday night. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. We don't know what the side effects are, let's just assume they're unimaginable and move on with our lives. #3.
Lemons
By the 1700s, most had realized that dried turds and hard metals probably had no rightful place in a woman's lady parts. That's when some enterprising man or woman looked at a lemon half, and got an idea. OK, it was probably a man. "Honey! I'm going to try something here ... " The shape would act as a diaphragm and (though the inventor may not have even known this) the acid in the citrus would kill the sperm. And the scent would be just like a freshly cleaned bathroom each and every time! Considering what they were using before that, the guy who came up with it probably won a Nobel prize. As a bonus, the various shapes and sizes of citrus meant it was great for every woman, though it probably made for some awkward moments with the fruit seller. #2.
Blacksmith water
Nothing says "baby-free" or "massive brain damage" quite like drinking filthy, toxic sludge--a theory proved positive by the childless, Listerine-drinking hobo who lives by the dumpster out back. Dating way back to ancient Greece and spanning a good 1,800 years of human history is the idea that drinking the water a blacksmith used to cool the materials he was working with would stop you from getting pregnant. Though it's not really known why anyone believed this, the idea that the water contained lead is a strong possibility as even up through the first World War, women were volunteering to work in factories with lead just so it would keep them sterile. The only real downside was a pantload of neurological problems, nausea, kidney failure, seizures, coma and death. Hell, they'd probably have been better off sticking with the mercury. #1.
Coca-Cola Douche
The modern age isn't all enlightenment and ribbed condoms. For a time, not too long ago (and in fact, probably as recent as last Wednesday) people were under the impression a can of Coke was as good as the morning after pill. And they weren't drinking it. Yes, they would douche with it after having sex. The belief was that carbonation and sugar would be effective at stopping pregnancy, and also turning a vagina into a syrupy, caffeinated horror show of fizz and sticky spots. We like to think Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb were the carbonated no-baby douches of choice, but study by Harvard in the late '60s gave the honor to Diet Coke. We're sincerely hoping this still doesn't go on today, because if so it's just a matter of time until some joker decides to stick some Mentos in there.
For more evidence that history be trippin' (we should totally make that an article category) check out our rundown of The 6 Most Insane Crash Diets of All-Time. Then head over to the blog and witness the very definition of bad parenting. |
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All of a sudden, the popes up the last century make a bit more sense.
Just a bit, mind.
the animal intestines, as gross as you presented it, actually worked just fine, the method was accessible, easy to use, didn't provoke any kind of problems for neither the woman or the man, the sensation was very close to the natural [unprotected] feel for both the man and woman. the "skin" condoms were made indeed from animal intestines or bladders, treated with sulphur and lye, so they could be clean and keep their elasticity without drying.
at some point there were "condoms" made by animal horns [the man, japanese -in fact- as nobody is surprised by that, shoved the horn on the penis and then penetrate the woman] - they complained a lot about this method because "it felt different" than it should and not so pleasurable. the next step was the leather condom that had better success than the horns but still the same complains about it's similarity, or not, with the real sensations of sex.
these are the predecessors of the condom of today, those were the first ones that actually covered the entire penis [before the "skin" and "fine leather" condoms they were using different kind of covers only for the glans of the penis]
there was another method that was used about the same time as the "skin" condom, and it was linen sheaths soaked in a chemical solution and allowed to dry before use, placed on the head of the penis and held with a ribbon, but this method was actually the first protection against disease not primarily a birth control solution - the main problem that led to this, being the first outbreak of syphilis in the 15th century.
They actually did do a Diet Coke + Mentos douche on the Opie and Anthony radio show. I can't find the video, leading me to believe they have removed it, but it was pretty disgusting.
The Coke douche actually has something to it, because it is so acidic and sperm hate acid (one of the functions of precum is to neutralize the natural acidity of the vagina, preparing the way for the troops). You'd think all the sugar in there would be a one-way ticket to Yeast Infection-ville though.
All things considered, I'd go with the lemon.
LOL @ Elf!!!! Indeed there was but, if that's all they did then men wouldnt be able to sit and think of horrible stuff for women to stuff and drink. Then where would the fun be??
wasn't there an alternative way called deepthroat?
A thing going around from the 70's on was the cheap kids condom, a sandwitch baggie from lunch, course you could get a yeast infection.
One of the first actually was an apricot pit. It went into a camel, female type, to keep it from getting knocked up during long voyages across the sandy sea.
Holy hell! The part about saran wrap and tube socks was great! lol
hahahah these are amazing
check out the top ten worst condom ideas at studyandscore.blogspot.com
Supposedly, the lemon method was a favorite of Don Juan de Casanova. It's believed to have worked fairly well, at least there is no record of mass failure.
People used to use vinegar-soaked sponges, too.
Actually, I wanna know if that lemon way worked. That's kinda interesting. It would burn like f*****g hell, but it sounds interesting. Better than mercury.
if only we could still use mercury
ahh, canadians. what won't we do for booze?
Fat chicks are a great contraceptive
www.tokillfor.com
Do0o you think they used to get high?...cz then if they did or were it would either scare the crap out of them with weasil balls or they would just go right ahead and pomp??? which would so0o not prove weasil balls effective...btw magicians back then were bogus
Canada didn't exist in the 16th century. Thus, there were no Canadians using the beaver balls and moonshine remedy.
I didn't know what to expect when I clicked play... it was a black screen and frankly, I was a bit scared.
Funny article indeed, but I won't be shoving any of these up my vajayjay.
And they will let you see many sexual scenes. But you can see here @ interracialromancing.c o m_______, where many big boob womne, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together! U will not be disappointed!
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About the Coke being used as birth contro.
Ir said: "We like to think Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb were the carbonated no-baby douches of choice, but study by Harvard in the late '60s gave the honor to Diet Coke."
Diet Coke didn't come on the market untill 1985.