The 8 Least Impressive Guinness World Records

Guiness must evolve with the times. In the modern digital age people tire of actual accomplishments that require physical skill and stoicism. If we want to see the top of Mt. Everest, we'll grab a matinee of the nearest IMAX showing and take a pass on the frostbitten extremities. Or, even better, if you make a video game about climbing Everest, we'll play it.

This is why GBR has finally produced their first Gamer's Edition of the book, paying tribute to the virtual world's unsung heroes. The record for the longest trading card playing marathon is just one of the many profiles in courage.

William Stone, Bryan Erwin and Christopher Groetzinger etched their deeds in the tomes of history when they managed to play The Lord of the Rings Trading Card Game for 128 hours from December 27, 2002 to January 1, 2003 at The Courtyard, Colorado Springs, Colorado.

The Lord of the Rings Trading Card Game is a game for two or more players, whose deck includes equal numbers of "Free Peoples" and "Shadow" cards. On a player's turn they are considered to be the Free Peoples player and their Fellowship is dork spaz dork, geek nerd lamer dork weenie spaz nerd. You get the point.

Their game play was only interrupted for sanctioned 15 minute breaks to use bathroom facilities, rest, or receive wedgies from bullies waiting in a line adjacent to the table.

Leave it to those ingenious Chinese folks to out-Switzerland the Swiss. The world record-setting Wei Ge knife pictured above includes 87 tools with an intended 141 individual functions. It is the first pocket knife designed to entirely defeat the structural integrity of any pocket that attempts to carry it. Among its many features are a hex screw, carabiner, Wankel rotary engine, flux capacitor, and nail file.

It is unclear if the manufacturer of this knife is a chinese company called Wei Ge, or if it is the Chinese company Weierman that registered the trademark "Wei Ge" (a statement that translates to "Great Man" and was later licensed to pharmaceutical companies selling drugs for erectile dysfunction).

All we know for certain is that a manly Chinese company that may or may not have boner issues designed a Swiss Army knife so amazingly functional that it cannot possibly be used for anything. There is a lesson to be learned there, but we're not sure what it is.

The record for the most snails to remain on the face for 10 seconds was achieved by Alastair Galpin on October 27, 2007, when 8 gastropods went about their usual business of clinging to things.

This raises many, many questions that Guiness doesn't seem ready to answer. The first of which being, what was the previous record? Seven snails? Two? Zero?

The other question is, of course, was this an intentional record, like the moonwalk thing, or did it just happen? If it's the former, isn't there room for way more snails on his face than eight? If it's the latter, doesn't this guy just need to do a better job cleaning his bedroom?

We're guessing this was done on purpose, as Mr. Galpin is no stranger to the realm of Guiness World Records. At last count, he had officially broken 28 different records.

The esteemed list includes such greatest hits at the Longest Handshake (9 hours), Gluing The Most Rhinestones To The Body (31,680), Wearing Most Socks On One Foot (70), and Licking The Most Stamps In One Minute (57). Despite his better efforts, the record for Biggest Attention Whore is still locked by Paris Hilton, but he isn't giving up hope.

Bernie Barker was technically the owner of two different records. Not only was he the oldest working professional male stripper, he was also entitled to 50% of the World's Oldest Onstage Teabagging. The partner in that record could not be reached for comment, as we're guessing she was coincidentally stricken with an unshakable catatonia immediately following the event.

Bernie was a regular performer at Club LeBare in Miami Beach, Florida from the year 2000 to 2007. He began his career at the age of 60. He described it as a way to get in shape after recovering from prostate cancer. We'd imagine his previous job was less supportive of the "therapeutic dryhumping" he had to perform throughout the day. Barker apparently decided that if old age was going to take away his dignity, by God it was going to go down with guns blazing.

Guiness says he won "over 30 contests" before he passed away in March 2007. We're not sure what kind of contests these were, and we don't want to find out.

More of Ian Cheesman's work can be found at InternetSensation.com.

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