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#5.
The Stargate Project
Sadly having nothing to do with fighting aliens who pretend to be Egyptian gods, the Stargate Project was the CIA's way of saying goodbye to $20 million, but getting a fun story to tell the grandkids as a result. The project was an effort to discover if psychic remote viewing was real, because if it was then that would make spying a whole lot easier.
The Plan:
What went wrong:
Research into the project's validity concluded that while the remote viewers could get some details right, they were also doing a stellar job of getting a shitload wrong. In fact, many say the results were exactly the same as having a group of random hobos make wild guesses, and that you could just as accurately uncover enemy hideouts by having a camel spit at a wall map. Hey, did we mention that we spent $20 million to find that out? Don't feel bad, the Soviets spent 500 million rubles to find out the same thing. #4.
The Gay Bomb
In terms of great military plans, from the first ape-man who threw a rock at some other asshole ape and likely stretching into our Jetsons-like future with lasers and nanobots that will melt the faces of those who displease us, nothing is likely to ever top the Gay Bomb. The Gay Bomb is exactly what it sounds like; a weapon that would rend our enemies asunder with gay. Actual, weaponized gay.
The Plan:
So maybe it's not a room full of stoners coming up with these ideas, maybe it's a house full of frat guys.
What went wrong:
Apparently the "how" was not the job of the idea department here, as the same lab proposed other weapons that would make bugs and rodents attack enemies, give them bad breath or mark them with a stink so they couldn't hide in general population. Again, that's all fine and good, if and when ways of doing those things actually exists. Despite that, the Pentagon kicked this idea around for at least seven years, perhaps based on nothing more than the private fantasy of one frustrated general. #3.
The Pain Ray
The Active Denial System, often referred to as the Pain Ray, is a futuristic sounding way of making sure someone is about to have a really terrible day or improperly cooked microwave burritos. Designed as a method of crowd control, the ADS does just what the nickname suggests, it causes pain. At a distance!
The Plan:
Thus the Active Denial System is born, a long-range weapon that uses electromagnetic radiation at a high frequency and can be directed at targets close to 500 yards away. It causes the water molecules in a person's skin to get "excited," which is a pleasant way of saying it microwaves you. But not in a permanently damaging sort of way. Maybe.
What went wrong:
A lack of research into long-term effects or prolonged exposure to the weapon have some people wondering if it's such a great idea, since probably no one has volunteered to have their eye microwaved yet to see what that's like, but meh. It's called the Pain Ray, not the Rainbow Shooter. That's what you get for not dispersing on your own, angry mob! #2.
Malodorants
Another non-lethal method of crowd control and also a psychological weapon, malodorants, or stink bombs, are supposed to create a stink the likes of which you can't imagine. Worse than rotten meat, backed-up sewage or another trip to the dump with dad to find mom an anniversary present.
The Plan:
The US has something called US Government Standard Bathroom Malodor which is apparently so bad, people who have experienced it actually start screaming within seconds. Written accounts describe it as smelling like every bad smell you can think of, put together, times ten. Reports say it actually creates visible cartoon stink lines in the air. The military thinks that's as hilarious as we do and wants to throw it at people.
What went wrong:
Stink is a fickle mistress, and obeys no master. #1.
Project Acoustic Kitty
When you think of spying, odds are you think of jamming a radio inside of a cat so it can listen in on stuff. And if you don't, you really need to have a good, long think about what kind of person you are. Anyway, in the '60s, the CIA hatched this idea to make a cat into a listening device and stick it to some dirty Commies.
The Plan:
What went wrong:
The project was then scrapped and no one spoke of it again. If you liked that, you just might enjoy last week's article about 7 Insane Conspiracies That Actually Happened. Then go watch a smug 60 Minutes reporter get zapped with the Pain Ray. You know, for the sake of journalism. |
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Hehe, wouldnt the gay bomb take a generation to kill off the victims?
on a side note FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMBODY PUT A IMAGE CAPTCHA ON HERE THE SPAMBOTS ARE RAPING US!!!
The bat bomb was devised because all of Japans stupid buildings are made of stupid materials like bamboo and pinestraw that are easily flammable. It would have worked really well (if the explosive/flaming bat wrangler was good at his job) and the only reason they scrapped it was because a better, bigger bomb came along that they wanted to drop instead: the A-bomb (Which was undoubtedly cooler to watch from afar.)
That gay bomb is the best one here, it should have been number one.
How they hell did they think that was supposed to have worked?
Despite the destruction of the fuel depot, the bat bomb project was by all means a success that was never implemented. They worked out the kinks and figured out how to force hibernation in the bats and force them out of it. A mock Japanese village that DARPA built was obliterated.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcpdtcRLeVY&feature=related
And as for the ADS, plenty of people have been used as test subjects and the problem with "prolonged exposure" is that nobody can last staying in it's beam for more than a few seconds.
I'm surprised the AURORA or some of the spy projects never made the list.
Vegetarian Love - PETA's controversial new sex-with-vegetables ad with naked hotties!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=f1649b553212e0b61731&page=3&viewtype=&category=mr
Dude, get it straight. Bats aren't rodents. They're their own order - Chiroptera (hand wing). And they're WAY cooler than rodents.
We should make the Gay Bomb.
"Hey, did we mention that we spent $20 million to find that out? Don't feel bad, the Soviets spent 500 million rubles to find out the same thing."
500 million rubles would be 20 million US dollars nowadays. Although I'm not sure what the exchange rate was from 1970-1995.
First minute of Who's Nailin Paylin
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=0b04c62c5db3ad8298a8&page=12&viewtype=&category=mr
You left out a lot of the best details about spy kitty, aka "Frankencat"
Like all the electrodes that had to be planted in its brain.
That's right - electrodes.
Seems it wasn't enough to justy wire kitty for sound - you had to get kitty to go over and sit beside the spies for a while.
Ever try to train a cat?
Well, they tried. They put a wire into its pleasure center so that they could remotely stimulate him when he went in the right direction.
Then they put one in the part of his brain that controlled sex, so that they could shut down his attraction to Miss kitty and get back to work.
Then - after all this - he goes and gets himself run over, at a loss of millions of US bucks.
Should have used a dog.
gah it should have been "The existence of weaponized gay"
The existence weaponized gay is the only thing needed to ensure victory against all Islamic enemies. No Iranian president or Saudi terrorist is going to threaten America and her allies with the knowledge their whole country could become like San Fransisco overnight.
What about Star Wars? What a waste of money that was
This article was written brilliantly. I laughed my ass off. And I'm at work!! I'm surprised those muscles in my cheeks function at this time of day.
YOU! I wanna take you to a GAY BOMB!
lmaooo
Marine,
Nobody cares.
The ADS, isn't that bad. I have been shot with it, actually I was shot with three time s a day for three weeks, set to different settings. Yeah it is a "TYPE" of microwave, but the wave legnths are so short it penetrates abou 1/16 inches of your skin just down near nerve endings. It just makes you feel hot. Like when you open your oven and you get that quick blast of heat from in there. Stop talking about military weapons because the truth of the matter is, we may have bat s**t insane weapons, and guess what...the rest of the world that hates America, knows that, and nobody messes with bat s**t insane people...OOHRAH!
There's a story that Winston Churchill was in the bath when Lord Mountbatten came in and dropped a lump of Pykrete in to show off it's effects.
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A Series of Poor Decisions: The Twitter Song
Why the hell isn't the Philadelphia Experiment on this list? In the 40's, the military made an entire f*****g battleship in Philly disappear, and then it reappeared 200 miles away in Virginia. Then it disappeared again, and reappeared in Philly. And apparently it traveled back in time in the process. Most people consider the Philadelphia Experiment to be a mythical story somebody made up, but to this day, the log of the ship that allegedly disappeared remains classified. Read more about this batshit awesome tale here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philadelphia_Experiment