9 Islamic Fatwas We Can Get Behind

fatwa n. a legal opinion or decree handed down by an Islamic religious leader (Merriam-Websters Online)

Every time you turn around, a Muslim cleric is issuing a religious edict (fatwa) about something. Whether it's giving fellow Muslims permission to murder blasphemers or preventing children from getting polio vaccinations because it's a Jewish conspiracy, these guys have an opinion and they're more than willing to share it.

To us (and many Muslims, in fact) these rulings come off as batshit crazy. And yet, amidst all that zany murderousness, they sometimes issue a fatwa that startles us with their clarity and insight. Here are some real, actual fatwas that we're ready to get on board with.

#9. THOU SHALT NOT speak while relieving yourself.

The Fatwa Department Research Committee, chaired by Sheikh 'Abd al-Wahhab al-Turayri says that speaking while pissing is only acceptable under special circumstances (e.g. asking for water to clean yourself). He cites as support the following indirect quote from the prophet, "Two men should not go to relieve themselves, exposing their private parts, and then be talking to each other, since Allah hates that."

" ... And I have to live with him," is the sassy follow-up that we like to imagine. We also like to imagine how "asking for water to clean yourself" would go over in the restroom of your average American sports bar (Hint: not so much).

Why we're on board:
Say you walk into the bathroom of said sports bar. The place is empty, so you pick out a stall at the far end, next to the wall so as to minimize any potential man-on-man adjacency. Just as you unfurl General Kong, some douchebag that you vaguely recognize from high school walks in. He sees you, smiles, and starts up a conversation.

Son of a bitch. This is YOUR time to commune (i.e. compare existential wangs) with the big man upstairs. The last thing you want to do is make awkward small talk with your junk exposed. Under the current rules, you look like an uptight asshole if you ignore the guy.

Under the new rule, you can, nay must, remain stone-faced and silent. Further, Captain Chatterbox would have to have balls of steel to even try it in the first place. If you think there is some sort of tedious and sober procedure for vetting impulse death sentences, allow us to burst your bubble: one call to 1-800-FATWA is all it would take to request that a hit be put out on his ass.

#8. THOU SHALT NOT play soccer.

"Soccer is forbidden except when played as training for jihad," says the Saudi Sheikh Abdallah Al-Najdi. Since we don't ever plan on engaging in 'holy war' or any such struggle, we guess that means no soccer for us if we choose to accept the fatwa. Dang.

Why we're on board:
Granted, Zidane head-butting that punk was deliciously retarded, and that 'Goooaaaal!' guy of indeterminate ethnicity is entertaining. Too bad the sport that he is so passionate about isn't. Low scores, tie games, and dudes ripping off their shirts are the norm (that last one is only acceptable for Hulk Hogan, and to a lesser extent, the Ultimate Warrior).

The only thing that's mildly entertaining about soccer is tangentially related to the game: drunken hooliganism. We have that in North America too, except that we call it rioting and instead of beating the soccer-induced boredom out of each other with our fists, we steal television sets.

It isn't just the game's intrinsic lack of appeal either. We can tolerate a lot of peripheral distractions in our sports: rampant use of steroids, human growth hormone and cliches. However, we cannot in good conscience condone a sport where teams practice faking injuries at practice. If we want our kids to learn such pansy-ish ways, we'll send them to a boarding school in France.

That said, we wanted to issue this fatwa simply as a preemptive measure against David Beckham's impending popularity.

#7. THOU SHALT NOT leave thy thighs uncovered (men only).

Sheikh Sheikh 'Abd al-Rahman al-Ajlan, lecturer at the Grand Mosque in Mecca, states " ... man must wear clothing that is of sufficient length to cover all of the thigh, whether he is standing, sitting, bowing, in jalsah, or in prostration. His entire thigh must remain covered at all times."

The ruling did not specifically address the case of men who "have shit that hangs down to here" (i.e. to the knee), presumably because there is a separate rule for transparent attempts at overcompensation.

Why we're on board:
Judeo-Christian tradition doesn't cover this aspect of clothing choice, which is unfortunate because many men are in need of guidance. We could spend a lot of words telling you why the man-thong should be punishable by death. But instead, we'll just show you...

#6. THOU SHALT NOT wear silk (Men only).

Sheikh Salman al-Oadah cites the following quote in response to a question about neckties: "The Prophet (peace be upon him) took a piece of silk in his right hand and a piece of gold in his left, held them aloft, and said: 'These are forbidden for the men of my people and permitted for the women.'" So, silk is off limits, guys.

There are exceptions of course. According to Skeikh Salman, "They may wear silk uniforms in times of war in order to show off and intimidate the enemy, which is a kind of psychological warfare." Let's classify that last one under "don't ask, don't tell."

Why we're on board:
Silk just plain looks wrong on a man. Unfortunately, somebody forgot to tell Smoothio, the guy that shows up to weddings wearing his silk shirt with the perma-pit-stains. And don't get us started on the hard-to-clean silk boxer shorts with optional polka dots or those novelty ones with the hearts.

If it were up to us, men could only wear manly fabrics, like canvas, burlap, or perhaps the pelt of some wild animal he has slain.

#5. THOU SHALT NOT engage in catch-and-release angling; verily that be the height of douchedom.

According to the Fatwa Department Research Committee, chaired by Sheikh Abd al-Wahhab al-Turayri, "If we have no purpose behind our pulling these fish out of the water with a hook--thereby injuring them--except to amuse ourselves, then it is unlawful for us to do so." In an explicit admonishment of so-called anglers, they write "Sport fishing ... is clearly a transgression against these principles."

Why we're on board:
Calm down, calm down. You can still let Grandpappy take you down to the ol' fishing hole. This rule allows for fishing, as long as it's for food and not catch-and-release style sport. To be clear, we support the ruling not so much because we are tree huggers, but rather because we are against the lame-ass pro fishing circuit, which is exactly like NASCAR except without the little bells and whistles like excitement and imminent fiery death.

What it lacks in flash, however, it makes up for with water, inane conversation and rednecks who spend most of their time failing to outsmart animals that boast no higher-cognitive functions. Basically, the purpose of implementing the fatwa is to keep those goddamn fishing shows from hypnotizing us for half an hour the next time that we're channel surfing.

#4. THOU SHALT NOT read romance novels.

According to Sheikh Salman al-Oadah, "These stories take people from the real world and place them in a world of fantasy. In doing so, they give people an unrealistic concept of life as well as unrealistic expectations." Testify!

He goes on to say, "It is only advisable for certain academics and concerned people to read such stories so they can be aware of what is out there." Amen! Uh ... wait a minute. Don't flake out on us, buddy. That last comment makes it sound like you want to have your girly sex-lit cake and eat it too.

Why we're on board:
We freely admit that the unfairest sex has had it relatively easy for most of Western history. There was a time when the only appropriate response to a woman saying "I didn't finish" was snoring, of the blissfully ignorant variety. Thankfully, we now know that women are multi-orgasmic. Genetically programmed to chase after high-scores in all endeavors, men are more than willing to take up the challenge presented to them by sexual science. The gauntlet thrown down by the popular "romance" novel, however, is a motherfucker.

It's not enough to satisfy your gal every single time out with a 15 to 120 minute routine, and an orgasm or two. No, according to her books with shirtless pirates on the cover, one thrust into her eager scabbard from your purple-headed warrior should be sufficient to induce several life-splattering orgasm within three seconds of penetration. Failure to do this means, of course, that you're not "the one" foretold by the romance novel; the one who would entice the feminine secretions from their velvety lair with unfailing intensity and volume.

Thus, millions of women feel like they are 'settling.' For their happiness and ours, let's end the madness by adopting this general boycott of romance novels, lest men everywhere wither in their fathomless impotence.

#3. THOU SHALT Shun Pokemon, for it is stupid.

In 2001, Saudi Arabia's Higher Committee for Scientific Research and Islamic Law released a fatwa forbidding Pokemon video games and cards, opining that such activities promote gambling and possess the minds of young people. Basically, they think Pokemon is crack, pornography and a devil-horned Jewish conspiracy all rolled into one.

Why we're on board:
For those who don't know, Pokemon is a contraction of the Japanese term "pocket monster." You might suspect that this is another nonsensical by-product of their cock-centric culture, but you would be wrong in that suspicion. The gameplay is akin to cockfighting, except with adolescent gamers playing "trainers," and cutesy anime creatures hurling poorly animated lightning bolts instead of cocks.

We agree with the fatwa, and not just because we think Pokemon is lame. It is second only to the Mario franchise in sales, which is saying something because Pokemon n accomplished this in a market saturated with alternatives. If memory serves, all Mario had to compete with was that stick-and-hoop thing. In other words, Pokemon is addictive as hell and marketed to kids, and as Joe Camel tells us, that's a bad thing. Lets ban this shit now and get these kids playing other addictive games. You know, ones that teach invaluable life skills, like Halo for example.

#2. FYI: oral sex is A-OK.

According to Sheikh Abd al-Wahhab al-Turayrî, former professor at al-Imam University in Riyadh, "Oral sex is lawful for both the husband and wife. It can be understood from the Prophet's (peace be upon him) saying: 'Approach from the front or the back, but avoid anal sex and sex during menstruation.'"

That's what she said.

Why we're on board:
Do we seriously have to explain?

Though there may be a trap here, the clergy actually blessing a sex act has the tendency to take the fun out of it. Let's face it, if the Christian churches got together tomorrow and released a list of acceptable porn genres, two months later every seller of that porn would be bankrupt.

So, who knows, maybe the pro-oral proclamation would do nothing but cause a sudden increase in backdoor shenanigans. You can decide for yourself whether that's a good thing. We're moving on.

#1. THOU SHALT be breastfed by your female coworker, and call her Mommy.

The Cleric Ezzat Attiya issued a fatwa whereby otherwise unrelated men and women could work alone together only if the man were to be breast-fed by his female counterpart first. He reasoned that doing this would establish a mother-son bond, cleverly side-stepping typical rules concerning co-ed socializing. Not surprisingly, he faced widespread condemnation from other Muslims and a disciplinary hearing with his employer, Al-Azhar University. More like Al-Buzzkill University.

Why we're on board:
Besides being the coolest Muslim since Morgan Freeman in Prince of Thieves, we think Ezzat is a visionary whose ideas are destined to spawn a brave new world where other Utopian thinkers will be reviled for their utter lack of imagination.

America's paradoxical fascination with--and aversion to--the breast has a long and sordid history. We don't care to relate that story here, but suffice it to say Janet Jackson, Pamela Anderson and Howard "Man-boobs" Taft figure prominently. What better way to get over our North American prudishness and breast-obsession with one fell swoop, than state-mandated suckling at the teats of our coworkers?

Take away the mystery, and we bet lost productivity due to intra-office romances, frotteurism, and/or internet porn will drop substantially.

Oh, wait ... it doesn't seem to say that the breast suckling thing is optional at all. And the lady in the next cubicle over is 86-years-old and has a mustache. Maybe we didn't think this one all the way through ...

You can find more of Chuck's stuff at the blog SoapboxFrequent.

Learn about some other religious-types that probably wouldn't cramp your style in our article about The Five Biggest Badass Popes. Then head over to the blog where Mike Swaim takes you inside Lindsay Lohan's nude photo shoot.

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