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The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time

By Daniel O'Brien February 15, 2008 3,049,183 views
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#1.
Theodore Roosevelt

Checking Teddy Roosevelt's resume is like reading a How-To guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, the assistant Secretary of the Navy, the governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all of his jobs, hobbies and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the Riders made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill.


Teddy Roosevelt, a split second before spitting in the invisible
face of death, and pimp slapping it with his tiny neck-hand.

And don't think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president, or he might just come back from the dead and murder you, (and how do you kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!). He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn't like he really needed it.

It wasn't just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn't even the fact that he kept a bear and a lion at the White House as pets, (though that certainly helps). Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again.


The last thing you saw before a brutal ass-kicking

Did we mention he had asthma growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him.

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. On the other end of the spectrum, reasons why certain members of the Cracked Editorial Staff have called out of work over the last year include:

"A cold."
"A stubbed toe."
"It's raining."
"There's a spider near the door."

Most Badass Quote:
This quote actually comes from a fellow politician at the time of Roosevelt's death: "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight." We have no witty commentary for that. That is just straight up badass.

Some men have to work to become badasses. But some are just born into it. You've just read about the first type, now read about the second in our article about The 9 Manliest Names in the World. Or check out the Daily Nooner, and watch a respected journalist say the words: sacred undergarments.


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433 Comments

FDR didn't do s**t: Eisenhower & MacArthur won WWII -- FDR turned a blind eye to the invasion of Poland and was well-aware in advance of the Japanese specifically attacking Pearl Harbour; he was stuck in a wheelchair for his entire life (way to go on "kicking polio in the face"); and he married his horsefaced lesbian cousin

6/29/2009 2:06:47 PM
TheRunningMan

I'm a proponent of adding FDR to this list. Not only did he win WWII and serve three terms (elected for four), he kicked polio in the face, which is a neat trick WHEN YOU HAVE POLIO.

6/28/2009 1:06:42 PM
Plangkye

If I lived any time beforehand (note: reincarnation) I'd love to go to the grave fighting one of these motherfuckers. Roosevelt would've beat my ass and I'd be proud of it.

6/28/2009 6:40:27 AM
Flashpenny

Jackson deserves to be much higher on this list. Yes, he murdered many Creek and Cherokee Native Americans. Yes, I am Native American. Nevertheless, Jackson was a force with which to be reckoned.

1. In one of his duels, someone shot him in the chest. The doctors refused to operate, saying the bullet was too close to his heart. The wound never healed correctly; it just skinned over. It also had a tendency to ooze, so he kept a handkerchief over it. Fifteen or twenty years later, sitting at the Presidential desk, the bullet starts to get on his nerves. What did Andrew Jackson do? He reached into his chest and pulled it out! Pop! As if that weren't enough, he then mailed the bullet to the man who shot him with a note saying, "I believe this is yours." The man mailed it back with a note saying, "You've been taking such good care of it for so long. You should keep it."

2. Jackson wanted the Native Americans out of the Alabama area. The Supreme Court told him that was too bad. He'd been treating them like an independent, sovereign nation for too long. Jackson essentially thumbed his nose at the Justices and had his Army remove the Native Americans. Note: I'm not defending the Trail of Tears. I'm just saying deliberately ignoring the Supreme Court Justices is pretty awesome.

3. Before assuming the Presidency, Jackson went to Florida, which was still owned by Spain. He took over the area, which including tying the governor to a raft and letting him loose in the Gulf of Mexico. He committed an Act of War against a much bigger, more powerful nation because he was bored with killing Creek Indians.

Truly, Andrew Jackson was insane. For those who may be interested, my source is a professor (who has a doctorate in this particular era of American history) at my university.

6/28/2009 1:27:19 AM
AshsWorkshed

Thank GOD Clinton wasn't on the list.

6/25/2009 7:36:09 AM
JadeEyes1

I can't believe you have genocidal loon like Andrew Jackson one here. Why not tell people about how badass Hitler was while you're at it?

6/19/2009 2:05:05 AM
Gopherbassist

This article rules.

6/15/2009 9:54:29 AM
valduchi

You forgot a number of badass things that TR did. He beat the hell out of Wall Street's trusts, which today would be the equivalent of punching a CEO in the face and expecting to live after it. And when he was talking to the bigwigs of the meatpacking business, he said that were it not for the dignity of the presidency, he would have "pick[ed] one of them up by the seat of his pants and fl[ung] him out of the window".

6/13/2009 8:12:16 PM
loqutor

Honestly, who can argue against the top pick? Especially since he knew how it worked. The adage 'speak softly and carry a big stick' has a few meanings, all important. He ended up as Vice President from, at least one source I've seen says, someone wanting him OUT of their hair. So pack him off to be VP and sit around waiting for the President to die. Oops..

Even the photo on the page makes me think he's upset with the photographer.

6/3/2009 2:20:09 AM
IL-Kuma

Those aren't the only badass Presidents,

After Ronald Reagan was shot, he turned to his wife and said "I forgot to duck" badass.

5/27/2009 9:58:16 PM
Kabosh

That Jackson story cracks me the hell up.

5/19/2009 4:47:51 PM
ReneeIsMe2day

Andrew jackson also lead the american genocide against the indians.
He once murdered an entire indian village and saw that there was a child still being held tightly in his slaughtered mothers arms. He picked that f****r up and adopted him. As you can imagine that must have been a really awkward family story.

5/16/2009 3:02:34 AM
ToastMeister

You got the century numbers mixed up. Jackson was president during the 19th century.

5/8/2009 1:24:37 AM
chamomile7

Surprise to see Bush missing from the list and also where is Lincoln. I guess the list should be haveen of top 10 instead the top 5.

http://www.ekhichdi.com/actors-actress/penelope-cruz-onscreen-sex-with-ben-kingsley

Tina

5/7/2009 3:22:25 PM
tina_iyer

I know the unspoken rule of double posting but you guys didn't do Teddy justice.

I mean he kickboxed with his interviewers. He read at least one book a day. And was so smart that Wislon had to go to dictionary inorder to discipher one of Teddy's insults (Teddy never went low-brow). Killed a bunch of African animals.

Began the national park system and conservation. Is the only President to win the nobel peace prize.

I mean I personally think Teddy was an a*****e, but I'd never say that to his face. I mean he'd kill me, but only after making me (mister 33 on the ACT) feel dumber than s**t.

Oh, and he'd make rude faces at small children.

Does all of that add to his badassery? I think any body who loves life so much and who is so proficient at ending it is very cool.

4/25/2009 9:23:16 PM
ijpowers

you forgot to mention that one of the bullets logged in Jackson's body ( I believe there were three when he died) was right next to his lung.
If he twisted his body right it would scrape his lung.

He could and would in effect spit blood on you.

4/25/2009 9:04:13 PM
ijpowers

Dickinson was also the best shot in Tennessee, and Jackson still challenged him. He dueled CD because CD called his wife a loony or a s**t or something. It was awesome. In one episode of Aqua Team Hunger Force (I think) the characters were printing money on a magic printer, but they were making copies of 1 dollar bills. Eventually the ghost of George Washington came and told them to stop and that it was wrong. When he left, one turned to the other and said, "We should printed up 20s, Jackson wouldn't have given a s**t."

4/16/2009 10:02:29 PM
naz0583

I CANNOT believe Abraham Lincoln failed to make this list!!!! He was the most amazing president and a GREAT man.

4/14/2009 1:18:11 PM
CatcherFOX

I just can`t believe how funny you people are.... keep up the funnys, and I`l send you a cookie...

4/13/2009 2:23:49 AM
Cooler777

One more badass thing about Teddy Roosevelt. Apparently he haunts the bar at the Menger Hotel in San Antonio, Texas. It was there that he recruited many of the Rough Riders by getting them drunk and essentially "shanghaiing" them.

Several years ago after closing hours, a night janitor was cleaning the bar. Suddenly, the doors slammed shut behind him. He tried to open them, but they were stuck fast. He turned around and saw a man motioning to him from the end of the bar wearing an old-fashioned uniform with a mustache. The janitor began banging on the doors, screaming to be let out. Other staff members heard his cries and rescued him. They ended up calling an ambulance for him, as they were afraid he would have a heart attack, due to severe shock. He eventually recovered, but quit the next day.

So even in death, Teddy Roosevelt is still scaring the s**t out of people.

4/6/2009 2:46:31 PM
Hobbitopoly

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