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The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time

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#4.
John F Kennedy

Nowadays, John F. Kennedy is remembered mostly for getting shot in the head which, while admittedly badass, barely makes the top ten of badass things he's ever done. Plagued with a bad back his entire life, Kennedy was disqualified from service in the army. Instead of using this as an excuse to pursue the decidedly more sane strategy of staying the fuck away from explody things, Kennedy had his dad pull a few strings so he could sneak his way into the navy, where he eventually became a lieutenant. Just to get some perspective, Bill Clinton dodged the draft, Grover Cleveland paid someone else to go in his place when he was drafted, but Kennedy beat the system by forcing his way into the navy. Once there he handled himself like a gravel eating shit-miner, instead of the rich Boston pretty boy he actually was.

Today, he's got his own damned aircraft carrier named after him.


The USS John F Kennedy can launch 80 planes and can single-handedly win a war with most countries on Earth

Upon leaving the Navy, he took up boning on a near full-time basis. Sure, he dabbled in being a Senator and a President or whatever, but his full-time job was Pimping. In fact, if boning-your-girlfriend-right-in-front-of-you was a business, you can bet your cuckolded ass that Kennedy would have been its District Manager.

While almost no two sources are in agreement as to just how much tail Kennedy snagged, historian John Richard Stephens says that "Kennedy confided with friends that he could only be satisfied with three women a day." It's amazing that, with all this boning, Kennedy didn't lose focus and make any colossal screw-ups while in office, and-...What? Bay of what? Moving on.

JFK's sexual conquests allegedly include Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickenson, Brazilian actress Florinda Bolkan, famous burlesque stripper, and rap name pioneer Blaze Starr. There are even rumors that he also had sex with his insanely hot wife once in a while too.

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
In August of 1943, while serving as skipper of the PT-109, Kennedy's boat was ripped in two by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri. Kennedy and his crew were tossed into the water and surrounded by flames. Kennedy, despite a chronic back injury and an even more chronic boning-induced-exhaustion, managed to swim four hours to safety while towing an injured crewman by the life jacket strap with his teeth. His fucking teeth!

Most Badass Quote:
"Jack could be shameless in his sexuality, simply pull girls' dresses up and so forth. He would corner them at White House dinner parties and ask them to step into the next room away from the noise, where they could hold a 'serious discussion.'"

That quote comes from Kennedy's closest friend, Lem Billings. For proof that you will never be as badass and pimpsational as Kennedy, go ahead and try that "Hey baby, let's go have a serious discussion" line on any girl and then come back and tell us how much sex you didn't have.



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352 Comments

Jefferson Davis should definitely be number 1.

Posted on 8/28/2008 1:19:08 PM

Where the hell is Abraham Lincoln, i was sure he was going to be number 1, seeing that he was a beast, and the closest thing America has ever had to being a dictator.

Posted on 8/27/2008 6:32:07 AM

Andrew Jackson wrote death threats to his opponent John Quincy Adams. He probably would have killed the crap out of him given the chance. He also believed the world was flat.

Oh and George Washington was also a badass for growing marijuana in his back garden lol.

Posted on 8/24/2008 12:41:58 PM

Don't forget, Jackson also tried to wipe out the cherokee with unfiorced marches.

Posted on 8/22/2008 6:56:00 PM

i don't know. Even though Teddy roosevelt was a Trooper, who punched asthma in the face, John Adams had fun getting shot.
I have no idea which one is my favorite. probably Teddy Roosevelt. because of the teddy bear.
but..How in the hell did someone come up with the teddy bear? the most soft, cuddliest little guy ever, when Teddy roosevelt was almost the opposite of a teddy bear?
the mysteries of the world.

Posted on 8/21/2008 10:18:46 AM

Hans is basically right. TR refused to kill a bear cub tied to a tree. Had that bear been adult and free, he'd probably have beaten it to death with his glasses.

Posted on 8/20/2008 4:09:53 PM

In response to Spellmage, they named the Teddy bear after Roosevelt because he wouldn't shoot a bear that had been tied up to a tree. He preferred to venture out into the forest alone with nothing but his bloodlust and round spectacles and slay bears the right way: His way.

Upon hearing of this 'compassion' a stuffed animal factory gave their stuffed bear his name.

Posted on 8/20/2008 12:29:48 PM

Roosevelt also founded the most of our major national parks, I think including Yosemite and Yellowstone (I could be mistaken, my history's a bit rusty). But this I know for certain: he regarded people from Asia as "lacquered half-monkeys". He was a badass, but he wasn't perfect.

Posted on 8/20/2008 10:29:10 AM

I love the list, but would probably add Lyndon Johnson. Anyone who makes his underlings wait outside the bathroom stall and yells at them while he poops, is pretty badass. Plus he got more tail than Kennedy.

Posted on 8/20/2008 8:35:06 AM

"There's a spider near the door." hahahahaha lol

Posted on 8/20/2008 6:09:25 AM

Teddy Roosevelt's progeny were also manly men. Theodore Jr. was the only General who landed on Normandy Beach on D-Day, and also won the Medal of Honor. Quentin was shot down as a fighter pilot in WWI. Archibald suffered wounds in both World Wars earning 100% disability BOTH times. Grandson Kermit led a small group behind the 1953 coup in Iran placing the Shah into power.

Posted on 8/18/2008 3:12:21 PM

Teddy Roosevelt has always been awesome in my book. I mean, those pictures are proof enough. You just look at the man and say "holy shit, that is one badass guy."

Posted on 7/25/2008 11:30:23 PM

and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him. lol

Posted on 7/21/2008 9:38:09 AM

Jmx70inNJ, how is he a badass for making SOMEONE ELSE walk all the way from Louisiana to Oklahoma?

Posted on 7/15/2008 2:05:08 PM

I like Jasckson...does anyone else know his history?

Posted on 7/2/2008 10:31:52 AM

That’s what we need today. A gun toting, stick beating, outdoor fucking, pissed off and former military president. Can Jesse the Body Ventura run for president?

“I ain’t got time to bleed...”

Posted on 7/2/2008 9:11:46 AM

Teddy Roosevelt ran as a third party candidate in 1912 for the most badassedly-named party ever, the Bull Moose party. Andrew Jackson's inauguration party was so insane, though, that he bailed on it. It could be that he was too much of a pussy to face up to trashing the whitehouse, but it seems more likely he drank plenty of whiskey and decided to run rampant around the country he had just conquered.

Posted on 6/25/2008 12:23:54 AM

Still, it seems like Lincoln should be on here.

Posted on 6/22/2008 1:32:58 AM

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Posted on 6/12/2008 3:39:03 AM

Andrew Jakcson was Ol' Hickory not Old Hickory.

Posted on 6/9/2008 12:39:02 PM

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