The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time
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#4.
John F Kennedy
Nowadays, John F. Kennedy is remembered mostly for getting shot in the head which, while admittedly badass, barely makes the top ten of badass things he's ever done. Plagued with a bad back his entire life, Kennedy was disqualified from service in the army. Instead of using this as an excuse to pursue the decidedly more sane strategy of staying the fuck away from explody things, Kennedy had his dad pull a few strings so he could sneak his way into the navy, where he eventually became a lieutenant. Just to get some perspective, Bill Clinton dodged the draft, Grover Cleveland paid someone else to go in his place when he was drafted, but Kennedy beat the system by forcing his way into the navy. Once there he handled himself like a gravel eating shit-miner, instead of the rich Boston pretty boy he actually was. Today, he's got his own damned aircraft carrier named after him.
Upon leaving the Navy, he took up boning on a near full-time basis. Sure, he dabbled in being a Senator and a President or whatever, but his full-time job was Pimping. In fact, if boning-your-girlfriend-right-in-front-of-you was a business, you can bet your cuckolded ass that Kennedy would have been its District Manager. While almost no two sources are in agreement as to just how much tail Kennedy snagged, historian John Richard Stephens says that "Kennedy confided with friends that he could only be satisfied with three women a day." It's amazing that, with all this boning, Kennedy didn't lose focus and make any colossal screw-ups while in office, and-...What? Bay of what? Moving on. JFK's sexual conquests allegedly include Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickenson, Brazilian actress Florinda Bolkan, famous burlesque stripper, and rap name pioneer Blaze Starr. There are even rumors that he also had sex with his insanely hot wife once in a while too.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Most Badass Quote:
That quote comes from Kennedy's closest friend, Lem Billings. For proof that you will never be as badass and pimpsational as Kennedy, go ahead and try that "Hey baby, let's go have a serious discussion" line on any girl and then come back and tell us how much sex you didn't have. |
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Second the need for mention of Jimmy Carter, if not on this list than at least in these comments... the man was attacked by a giant, swimming rabbit!
The world must never forget.
Dude, if u were as suave as JFK i garuntee u could use the "serious discussion" line. in fact i will absolutely try it, maybe throw in the hilarious accent he had too. and for the record, i think his wife was hotter than half of the chicks u mentioned
Here's another good Jackson quote:
"Yes I have; please give my compliments to my friends in your State and say to them, that if a single drop of blood shall be shed there in opposition to the laws of the United States, I will hang the first man I can lay my hand on engaged in such treasonable conduct, upon the first tree I can reach."
Essentially, South Carolina decided it didn't want to pay import taxes and decided it could nullify federal laws, prompting Jackson to make the above quote. He also asked Congress to pass the Force Bill which would allow him to use military force against South Carolina.
There's also the time when Jackson decided to ignore the Supreme Court. Note that this isn't entirely unprecedented--the Federalist papers argued that this was a valid way for the Executive branch to check the Court's power. Unfortunately, this instance led to the Trail of Tears. The Trail of Tears is certainly a black mark on Jackson's record. However, this was a time when leaving the Indians alone could be seen as a radically pro-Indian stance. One hundred years later, hundreds of thousands of Japanese people were herded into camps and the government sponsored a study that injected nearly 400 black men with syphilis. I don't think Jackson should be judged too harshly on this point.
Wow. After seeing the class of tooky that JFK got, it makes any sexual conquest of mine (or any other man) look like nothing.
Teddy Roosevelt originally was president of the New York City Police Commissioners; he was made vice president to keep him from policing the hell out of New York. When the president was shot and Teddy received his promotion, the Ohio state senator Mark Hanna was reaction was quoted, "Now that damn cowboy is president."
After reading the quote for Teddy Roosevelt, did anyone else think "holy crap. Teddy Roosevelt was the chuck norris of u.s. presidents"?
I like this page, however there are a few details that highlight the badassery of jackson and roosevelt.
first, when jackson allowed the guy to take the first shot, he took it in the shoulder, then dropped on one knee, took aim, and shot the man through the face. he then proceeded to walk over to the face-shot man and piss on his corpse. I am not kidding, this s**t is historically corroborated. andrew jackson, when he was elected allowed the general public to hold a rager in the whitehouse, and was given a 100 lb round of cheese. he ordered the whitehouse staff to leave it on the floor of the whitehouse foyer. didn't matter because only he could move it. eventually it started to mold and the stench of 100 lbs of moldy mold permeated the White house untill he left office. there is evidently still a stain. he also kept a pet parrot that wasn't allowed on the floor of congress because it swore too much. he also had a special day of the month in which he hacked up the phlegm caused by having something like 19 bullets in his body.
Roosevelt: when he was off chillin in the backcountry of the dakotas, (he had decided to f*****g build a ranch, pretty much for the hell of it) he went to a bar in a place called something like devils asscrack, south dakota and ordered a coffee. four or five cowboys who had been living in devil's asscrack for a few years or so, made fun of his beverage choice. he asked them if they wanted to take it outside. they did. The next day these cowboys could be found working on roosevelt's new ranch, and wincing from the thunderous hailstorm of blows and moustache thrashings received the morning before.
and there was a river in south america called the river of doubt, because no one had ever traversed it successfully. and by successfully i mean without getting smashed into small bloody pieces then consumed by piranhas. It is now called the Roosevelt River. guess why.
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Um I vote for Andrew Jackson because his eyebrows were off the hook!
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I love Teddy Roosevelt! I'm an asthmatic, and he give people like me hope! Now if only I didn't have 20,000,000 allergies XP. Anyway, he is definitely the most bad-ass person ever! He can even beat death...I'll tell you how!
Anyone remember Obama's inauguration? If you say no, you fail. Doesn't matter if you like the guy or not, it was freakin historic. Anyway, I remember watching the end. My boyfriend, my brother, and I kept watching to see if anything funny happened. Then...there he was. And old man with white hair who looked EXACTLY like Theodore Roosevelt. We started screaming "Oh my God, Teddy! IT'S TEDDY MOTHER F*CKING ROOSEVELT!" So basically we went clown-sh*t insane over it. I know, we're nerds. Don't care, it was Teddy back from the dead!!!
cracked you totally missed the boat on this one. i'm pretty sure FDR would have just wheelchaired over any mob and then bent them over and stuffed their asses full of welfare programs.
Best article, though Andrew Jackson shouldn't be below George Washington. I think to chose this you have to ask yourself who would win in a battle royale. Teddy would definitely win, but Washington would be ousted before Old Hickory.
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Love the Lethal Weapon reference
Jackson should be higher. He refused to submit to a British officer during the Revolution and got sabred in the face, at the age of 14, proceeded to contract smallpox as a prisoner of war (at age of 14). Went on to pull a major upset at New Orleans, and won a few wars with various native american tribes.
My dad dated blaze star back in the 60s.
Roosevelt knew jujitsu?
That wasn't even popular here until twentyish years ago.
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Theodore Roosevelt becomes a lot less impressive when you hear one of his speech recordings.