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The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time

By Daniel O'Brien
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As we all prepare to spend a long weekend enjoying Presidential Savings on mattresses and used Toyotas, we could take time to thank some of the presidents who passed bills that protect some of the freedoms your enjoy daily. Or we could spend the day celebrating the presidents who are decidedly more Action Movie Heroes than diplomats.

Anyway, guess which kind of president this website decided to focus on?

#5.
Andrew Jackson

When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson was running. If you're wondering how a guy we're calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it's because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you're wondering why he did that, it's because he was a fucking lunatic.

Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his "habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions." Or in other words, the man was a loose canon--17th Century Washigton's answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn't have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish.

How do we know? Well, despite everyone's best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn't busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven't been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100's, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is strying to kill them with a loaded gun.

On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn't important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. We're gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that's why his face isn't on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson's body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of "time not dueling," Jackson's least favorite category.


Andrew Jackson may have been the first master of Gun Kata

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Andrew Jackson was the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made. A man named Richard Lawrence approached Jackson with two pistols both of which, for some reason, misfired. With the possibility of an assassination taken off the table, Jackson proceeded to beat Lawrence near death with his cane until Jackson's aides pulled him off the assassin.

The guns were inspected afterwards and it was discovered that they were in perfect working order, leading some historians to believe that it was an odds-defying "miracle" that Jackson survived, while we're pretty sure that the bullets, like everyone else, were simply scared of Jackson.

Most Badass Quote:
"I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun."

That's right. In a life rich with murdering people for little-to-no reason, Jackson's only regret was that he didn't kill quite enough people. People like Calhoun who, it should be noted, was Jackson's vice president.


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338 Comments

I like Jasckson...does anyone else know his history?

Posted on 7/2/2008 10:31:52 AM

That’s what we need today. A gun toting, stick beating, outdoor fucking, pissed off and former military president. Can Jesse the Body Ventura run for president? “I ain’t got time to bleed...”

Posted on 7/2/2008 9:11:46 AM

Teddy Roosevelt ran as a third party candidate in 1912 for the most badassedly-named party ever, the Bull Moose party. Andrew Jackson's inauguration party was so insane, though, that he bailed on it. It could be that he was too much of a pussy to face up to trashing the whitehouse, but it seems more likely he drank plenty of whiskey and decided to run rampant around the country he had just conquered.

Posted on 6/25/2008 12:23:54 AM

Still, it seems like Lincoln should be on here.

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Posted on 6/12/2008 3:39:03 AM

Andrew Jakcson was Ol' Hickory not Old Hickory.

Posted on 6/9/2008 12:39:02 PM

what about truman first president to nuke someone

Posted on 6/7/2008 11:12:30 PM

No Fucking way Andrew Jackson is not #1. he forced american indians to march (walk) from as far south as Louisiana to Oklahoma, although some historians place the "Final Destination" as far west as California. It was called "the trail of tears." and He fought in the revolutionary war when he was in his teens! Biggest badass ever.

Posted on 6/7/2008 5:40:52 PM

hey, now you know why kids are suposed to be safe if they have their teddy bear.

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Posted on 6/3/2008 8:59:56 AM

During the duel with Charles Dickinson, the bullet wasn't removed after 19 years, due to it's placement being 2 inches away from the heart, it was much too risky to attempt to remove it and Jackson carried the bullet for the rest of his life. Ahh, and also, the odds of both guns misfiring in the assassination attempt against AJ was 1:125,000.

Posted on 6/2/2008 3:09:15 PM

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Posted on 5/31/2008 5:44:17 PM

Good lord, Roosevelt was that bad ass and he only got named after a stuffed bear? Jesus they should have named a tank the roosevelt, hearing about that the enemy would literally shit their heart and run for the hills.

Posted on 5/31/2008 2:49:38 PM

I just read this and the badass scientists post. I feel like a little fairy man now, thanks cracked.

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Posted on 5/31/2008 8:39:35 AM

Hey archangel9363! Andrew Jackson was a Democrat, which explains both him and you all too well.

Posted on 5/31/2008 1:45:44 AM

For all you idiot relativists, AJ didn't do anything that hadn't already been done by just about every race and nation on Earth - including europeans, asians, africans, and yes, american indians. Get over it and stop applying modern day morals to history.

Posted on 5/30/2008 5:13:09 PM

Oh my God, Theodore Roosevelt looks a LOT like my college algebra teacher in that third picture of no. 1! Wow, talk about bad memories. Teddy Roosevelt is still cool in my book, though.

Posted on 5/30/2008 3:51:32 PM

Dickinson insulted Jackson's wife, which is basically the same as committing suicide. After the Dickinson duel, when asked why Jackson finished the duel after being shot the damn chest, he had this to say "I would have killed that son of a bitch if he had shot me through the brain."" Yeah. Don't fuck with Mrs. Jackson man.

Posted on 5/30/2008 9:41:55 AM

Teddy Roosevelt also is the only person to have been President of the US, win the Nobel Peace Prize, and recieve the Medal of Honor

Posted on 5/20/2008 5:13:08 PM

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