Many folks agonize over throwing or attending the perfect party, but agony is futile because, really, all Super Bowl parties feature the same things: lots of nachos, lots of beer and the following infuriating cast of characters.

The Guy Who's in It for the Commercials

He won't pay attention to the game, but he'll shoot to the TV like a laser when the commercials come on. He'll spend the first few minutes after each commercial break--important plays or not--analyzing what everyone else just saw, routinely mentioning that "that last ad was pretty good, but not even close to the George Costanza Rold Gold ad in '98 or the P-Diddy Pepsi truck ad in '04." This guy also probably loved the Bud Bowl and will get really quiet and attentive during the ads for E.D. drugs.

The Guy Who's in a Squares Pool at Work

In a squares pool, everyone throws in a buck or two, and a couple people walk away with an extra 50 bucks. It's a friendly way to keep everyone involved, but there will always be one overly intense guy who shows up to your party with his own squares chart from work, where he bought a $250 square and--as he'll be certain to remind you--could win a ton of money if the Pats manage a field goal and a safety, and the Giants get a touchdown and a two-point conversion. You'll be able to spot him as the one furiously shouting, "Why the hell didn't they go for two?" when the Pats score a TD to go up 14-3.

Obnoxious Girl Who Cheers Way too Hard

Moderately attractive but not actually hot, she'll be decked out in full regalia of whichever team the guy she wants to sleep with likes. She'll celebrate a relatively innocuous first quarter field goal like it's just clinched the win, and will instantly show a disturbing amount of concern if a player on her adopted team is slow getting up. It'll be clear that she was molested by her father during NFL games as a child, and should be pitied, not reviled.

The "Line Just Moved Half-Point" Guy

Likely to befriend the Guy Who's in a Squares Pool at Work, this guy will bet on everything and let everyone know it. He'll lose $150 on the opening coin toss, but hit nice on his 6:1 wager that a tight end will produce the first score. He'll be really concerned that the third-quarter line moved a half-point during halftime, but he'll look real good on the over, so he won't mind laying that extra half-point. He also threw down $10 bucks at 850,000:1 that a tornado will tear through the stadium during the third quarter... you know, just for the hell of it.

The "Told You So" Guy

This guy will spend the entire game informing everyone that everything that he predicted would come to pass has happened. Did he? Probably not. But who knows--no one has listened to the bullshit that constantly flows from this guy's mouth in years.

The "Fantasy Football Guy"

Fantasy Football Guy spends the entire game pointing out to all who would hear which players were on his fantasy football team this year and in years past. "Oh, man. Great touchdown by Laurence Maroney there. I wish he would have done that more for my fantasy team this year." Hey, buddy, if you like fantasies so much, here's one for you: we all hope you're killed by a drunk driver on the way home tonight.

You're going to need something to talk to these assholes about, so read and memorize The World's Most Ridiculous Sports Team Names. And if you still haven't heard what Hitler has to say about Eli Manning, the Patriots and his beloved Cowboys, check out this Cracked video.