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8 Kids Movies That Lied to Us

#4.
Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead

What it Led Us to Believe:

1) If the babysitter died while watching us, it meant a summer full of fun, cash, important lessons in maturity, and budding teen romance with the cute guy who works at the corndog place.

2) There's no better way to introduce your younger siblings to the subject of their own mortality than by having them stuff the corpse of an elderly woman into a box and ditch it outside a mortuary. With no mother there to answer all the pounding questions they'll have about their own inevitable deaths, you're free to tell them whatever you want!

3) Having your parents out of town and old people dead and out of the way presents the perfect opportunity to bond the family and land a high-paying job at a fashion design firm, pioneering your own line of 80's clothing and embezzling funds all without any lasting consequences.

(Yes, that all happens in the movie.)

The Cold, Hard Truth:

The kids in this movie are legitimately pleased that their babysitter keels over while their negligent mother is away on an extended vacation. They do everything short of popping champagne and pissing on the body, all because the woman happened to be a little strict.

In reality, there are only two ways your babysitter can die while watching you. One involves listening to her garbled screams as a masked intruder drowned her in the bath she was drawing for you and your siblings. The other involves a stench like someone lit a thousand farts. Either way, the only important lesson in maturity you're likely to get is when you have to tell your younger sister that Mrs. Calloway is "just sleeping" and drag her body to the garage to wait for your Mom to come home.

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

One day, we too could look as cool as David Duchovny looks in this movie:

Mom will always forgive us, as long as no one was hurt. After all, what's the important thing: Embezzlement and massive fraud, or that we all had good intentions?

Christina Applegate would make a good mother.

#3.
The Neverending Story

What it Led Us to Believe:

1) Reading books is your ticket to a magical world of adventure, heroism, and condoned truancy. So what if kids beat you up every day before school? You get to skip class to read in an attic and mutter to yourself!

2) Go ahead and tell your teacher all about your adventures in Fantasia when she catches you ducking out the fire escape; at least you'll get to go to a Counselor that way instead of detention.

The Cold, Hard Truth:

News Flash: The only version of The Neverending Story you know anything about is the movie. Why? Because most books are not only terrible, but can take several days to finish. The kid you identified with in The Neverending Story is the same kid who will go on to become founder and only member of your High School's Juggling Club. And if you think just because you read a book a Luck Dragon is going to appear and help you scare away bullies, you're about to get the shit beaten out of you.

But perhaps the worst expectation this movie sets up in kids is the idea that if you believe in something with enough fervor, fantasy can become reality. If only you dream hard enough, magic can happen, stories can come alive, and you too can be a hero. Not hearing any voices from beyond? Still stuck working at Taco Bell to pay off credit card debt? Books continuing to spiral into disuse? Well, that's on you, you unimaginative little shits. Guess you just didn't want it bad enough, did you? We'll be sure to tell the Childlike Empress that as she slowly and painfully dies from your lack of imagination.

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

Atreyu is an excellent band.

A recurring nightmare about our horses drowning in a bog.

A deep-seated fear that once begun, all stories will continue indefinitely until our deaths.

#2.
Jack

What it Led Us to Believe:

1) Being afflicted with a degenerative aging disease from birth entails buying pornography and booze at age ten, becoming the universally beloved Valedictorian of your High School, and then leaping into a car and driving off to a graduation party at which your eighty-year-old penis will presumably be repeatedly sucked.

2) The Valedictorian of your High School will get invited to graduation parties.

The Cold, Hard Truth:

Jack features Robin Williams as a kid suffering from Werner's syndrome, with some Progeria mixed in for good measure. One big problem there: Werner's disease and Progeria don't make you steadily age at an accelerated rate as shown in the film. Rather, they make you age rapidly at the onset of puberty, develop spindly arms and legs, a "bird-like" face, and any of a wide range of age-related diseases including (but not limited to) cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and cataracts.

Pretty much the only age-related thing you don't get from it is senility, leaving your unequipped teenage mind to grapple with the moral quandary of why God would punch you in the soul so very hard for no apparent reason. Our guess? In your past life, you greenlit the movie Jack.

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

Our son's lazy eye isn't a birth defect, but a boon that will win him the admiration of his peers in school.

Young kids are completely open to people with special needs, and treat them with dignity and tolerance.

Robin Williams has the mental capacity of a ten-year-old child.

#1.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

What it Led Us to Believe:

1) That if we ate enough chocolate, we'd not only get to see how chocolate is made (by happy singing slaves in a wonderland of make-believe), but we'd become KING OF CHOCOLATE.

2) Only dumb slobs and spoiled brats have to work regular jobs; if you're really a good kid, you'll end up with the job of your dreams. If you don't...well, apparently you're just not a very good kid.

3) But the most important message? Take candy from strange men.

The Cold, Hard Truth:

Willy Wonka would have long ago been run out of business and imprisoned, if not for sweat shop practices or scaring the shit out of a boat full of kids with footage of a dead chicken, then at the very least for the hygienic complications of letting a fat kid wallow around in the chocolate reservoir.

Another Cold, Hard Truth? There is no such thing as a chocolate reservoir. The candy you eat is made of chemicals with names like Maltodextrin and Calcium Stearate that ooze out of gray plastic tubes and get handled by listless workers who despise you for being middle class. Eat enough of it and all you get is fat. "Fun Size" indeed. Even the real-world attempt at producing Willy Wonka-brand candy has resulted in nothing more promising than Nerds, Spree, and an "Everlasting Gobstopper" that lasts about eight minutes.

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

Little people enjoy working long hours for no pay, and most of them have candy on their person.

An unnatural aversion to film of chickens being decapitated.

Lick enough wallpaper and you'll eventually find the Snozzberry.


Michael is a CRACKED Blogger and co-founder of the constantly improving sketch troupe Those Aren't Muskets!

If you liked this article, check out The Next 9 Children's Characters That Should Come Out of the Closet .

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