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The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

By Robert Brockway January 9, 2008 1,312,905 views
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#1.
Spider-Goats

Good lord, what is it?
Nexia biotechnologies, a Canada-based research team and wretched hive of scum and villainy, have successfully spliced together the genes of the common goat with those of two different species of orb-weaving spiders. This has resulted in two living, healthy, male spider/goat hybrids named Webster and Peter.

Though the two male goats were the result of a long process of experimental trial and error, their genetic makeup is now stable and the scientists expect to introduce them to a female herd in the near future, where the new spider genes will carry onto the following generations naturally. Potential uses for these new hybrid goats are farming, research, or simply pairing up with a half-snake, half-lamb to form the world's most terrifying petting zoo.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
The scientists goal is to produce spider silk, one of the strongest, most flexible substances on Earth that, up until now, has been near impossible to synthesize perfectly, and prohibitively impractical to farm on a mass scale. The "territorial nature of spiders" was cited as the primary reason for the failure of spider-farming, just barely edging out the secondary considerations that "it would also be a hell on Earth, the sight of which would follow you into your nightmares and stop the hearts of children with the sheer scale of its terror."

The researchers at Nexia have combined the glands responsible for milk production in goats with those responsible for silk production in spiders, and now hope to simply milk their goats for the precious, nigh-unbreakable fibers. To ensure nobody will question their inherent evil, the scientists accomplished this feat by turning "cells from cows' lungs and baby hamster kidneys into silk protein 'factories.'" When asked why, specifically, they had to harvest the kidneys of baby hamsters to mutate, the scientists laconically replied that "they scream much better than the big ones," before excusing themselves outside to laugh maniacally for the next 15 minutes.

What's going to happen to us?
A common stand-by for movie monsters, the giant spider has been a staple of horror since ancient times. The scientists at Nexia were apparently not satisfied with the potential of giant spiders alone, and instead decided that they need be combined with an animal notorious for its association with Satan and eating literally everything it can reach. Factor into the equation the ability to shoot enormous quantities of the world's strongest, stickiest naturally occurring fiber from their nipples, and congratulations, scientists! You've successfully tapped into a level of primal fear so intense it would leave even H.P. Lovecraft anxiety-vomiting into his hyperventilation bag.

Goats can climb treacherous mountains, survive in some of the world's harshest climates and travel in large herds. Now that scientists have introduced a spider gene that carries over through ordinary breeding, expect in the near future to be chased up the frozen side of a sheer cliff face by dog-sized goat-spiders who will suck the life-force from your prone body, after ultimately snaring you with the unbreakable projectile webs shot from their tits. In regards to that thought, and all of the subsequent time it has freed up by causing us to never have sex again, we would like to take a moment to sincerely thank these scientists for all of the newfound hobbies we can explore. This includes unexpected urination, explosive fear-diarrhea, spontaneous girl-sobbing, violent night horrors and, of course, our desperate, incomprehensible prayers.

You can find more by Robert Brockway at his own site, I Fight Robots

If you liked this article, check out 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen .


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274 Comments

That second pictue on the page about Jellyfish Monkeys looks like a dick

6/26/2009 7:16:25 PM
getcruunkk

Actually, as Jonathan Wojcik wrote in his article about critters that earn our undeserved hate, mice and rats aren't THAT much of a vector. The plague was spread by ticks. So, we really only have to worry about rediculously FAST vermin. Oh, and the eventual tweaked out, psychotic super-men, bent on raping us.

6/26/2009 7:47:00 AM
McWipp

@Sephy the Vegan

Meat is MURDER!!!








Tasty, TASTY murder...

6/18/2009 6:19:37 AM
MrHand

http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/4734/spidergoat.png

^This is what I see

6/14/2009 10:13:52 PM
hikariandsunny

aww man.why THE f**k did they have to ban animal/human hybrids?
(alright im a furry fan so what.)

6/12/2009 9:35:45 AM
dethklokfan45

I couldn't help but read Sephy's comment below in a "LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOONE!" voice.

6/7/2009 7:58:00 PM
Ragtatter

Okay, I found the other's funny, but seriously; making fun of Vegetarians and Vegans? Now that's just f*****g stupid.

Stop being such a f*****g p***k and stereotyping everyone who made this choice as a f*****g pansy who can't take the social qualms of real life. Seriously.

I'm a vegan. I know people hunt and kill and eat animals. Good for them. Humans are supposed to do that. I just don't feel comfortable eating something that had heartbeat. Deal? We're not spineless shits like you seem to think we are.

Stop being such an immature p***k.

6/7/2009 6:14:14 PM
Sephy

I know they have glowing cats. Their skin glows, not the fur. really weird looking.

6/6/2009 8:12:21 AM
Giblet_Head

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this, but we do have glowing mice (as opposed to yet glowing monkeys). Real glow-in-the-dark fluorescent mice: I believe the scientists who came up with them won a Nobel prize or something.

4/18/2009 5:15:43 PM
scary-sushi

I don't know about the rest of these, but SPEEDY GONZALEZ.
Oh please, we have waited too long GIVE US GONZALEZ!

3/4/2009 5:25:09 PM
RuvreeJohnson

with all this stuff life will become very extremely interseting. maybe even create another intelligant species to share earth with and do trade (haha). should splice something with WATER BEAR genes. look it up its not actually a bear. and is near unkillable.

3/1/2009 6:50:58 AM
tissmekyle

I'm just waiting for replicant slaves and off world colonies. Then I could finally get some use out of this blade runner costume I made.

And for the record, I hate monkeys. So the notion of crossing them with a damned jelly fish...and failing to make them glow makes me want to scream myself to sleep. However, if they could get them to grow they wouldn't be able to sneak up on you so easily. So I guess I'm saying I want them to continue the research.

2/16/2009 4:56:29 PM
Jigsawjaybus

what about crab people
(you know crab people..taste like crab, talk like people)

1/6/2009 8:54:25 PM
DeemSleep

lol guyverx that just made my day
you forgot to add
spider + human = spiderman

1/5/2009 10:54:00 PM
SamuraiZach0

That spider-goat is a pansy. A REAL spider-goat would have eight legs, horns, fangs, venom, and shoot web from their mouths. That would be f*cking awesome.

1/5/2009 4:36:32 PM
POLLY

"which sure beat the old-fashioned way of making a Jellyfish Monkey--furiously masturbating a jellyfish directly over a spread eagle monkey."

Call me a romantic, but I disagree.

1/4/2009 7:36:19 PM
thelastlemon

As I was reading the Spider-Goat portion of the article, I overheard goats on the TV behind me. As it turns out, they were covering the scientist who thought up these monsters on the science channel. IT'S AN OMEN!!!!!!

1/4/2009 12:05:40 PM
Menasyng

well they will just have to create super-soldiers to combat the animals.
komodo dragon + human = lizard man
crocodile + human = croc
bat + human = batman or dracula
rhino + human = the rhino
lion + human = lion - o

12/15/2008 4:30:26 PM
guyverx

"expect in the near future to be chased up the frozen side of a sheer cliff face by dog-sized goat-spiders who will suck the life-force from your prone body, after ultimately snaring you with the unbreakable projectile webs shot from their tits"

this happened to me once. in peru.

12/9/2008 8:33:31 PM
ewok_arsonist

Look at the names for the Goats: Webster and PETER.

Why Peter you ask? Simple. Think about PETER Parker, who was Spider-man.

11/24/2008 6:01:40 PM
xtkbilly

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