The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

Good lord, what is it?
Nexia biotechnologies, a Canada-based research team and wretched hive of scum and villainy, have successfully spliced together the genes of the common goat with those of two different species of orb-weaving spiders. This has resulted in two living, healthy, male spider/goat hybrids named Webster and Peter.

Though the two male goats were the result of a long process of experimental trial and error, their genetic makeup is now stable and the scientists expect to introduce them to a female herd in the near future, where the new spider genes will carry onto the following generations naturally. Potential uses for these new hybrid goats are farming, research, or simply pairing up with a half-snake, half-lamb to form the world's most terrifying petting zoo.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
The scientists goal is to produce spider silk, one of the strongest, most flexible substances on Earth that, up until now, has been near impossible to synthesize perfectly, and prohibitively impractical to farm on a mass scale. The "territorial nature of spiders" was cited as the primary reason for the failure of spider-farming, just barely edging out the secondary considerations that "it would also be a hell on Earth, the sight of which would follow you into your nightmares and stop the hearts of children with the sheer scale of its terror."

The researchers at Nexia have combined the glands responsible for milk production in goats with those responsible for silk production in spiders, and now hope to simply milk their goats for the precious, nigh-unbreakable fibers. To ensure nobody will question their inherent evil, the scientists accomplished this feat by turning "cells from cows' lungs and baby hamster kidneys into silk protein 'factories.'" When asked why, specifically, they had to harvest the kidneys of baby hamsters to mutate, the scientists laconically replied that "they scream much better than the big ones," before excusing themselves outside to laugh maniacally for the next 15 minutes.

What's going to happen to us?
A common stand-by for movie monsters, the giant spider has been a staple of horror since ancient times. The scientists at Nexia were apparently not satisfied with the potential of giant spiders alone, and instead decided that they need be combined with an animal notorious for its association with Satan and eating literally everything it can reach. Factor into the equation the ability to shoot enormous quantities of the world's strongest, stickiest naturally occurring fiber from their nipples, and congratulations, scientists! You've successfully tapped into a level of primal fear so intense it would leave even H.P. Lovecraft anxiety-vomiting into his hyperventilation bag.

Goats can climb treacherous mountains, survive in some of the world's harshest climates and travel in large herds. Now that scientists have introduced a spider gene that carries over through ordinary breeding, expect in the near future to be chased up the frozen side of a sheer cliff face by dog-sized goat-spiders who will suck the life-force from your prone body, after ultimately snaring you with the unbreakable projectile webs shot from their tits. In regards to that thought, and all of the subsequent time it has freed up by causing us to never have sex again, we would like to take a moment to sincerely thank these scientists for all of the newfound hobbies we can explore. This includes unexpected urination, explosive fear-diarrhea, spontaneous girl-sobbing, violent night horrors and, of course, our desperate, incomprehensible prayers.

You can find more by Robert Brockway at his own site, I Fight Robots

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