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The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

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#2.
Zombie-Pigs

Good lord, what is it?
English scientists are currently researching ways to remove the genes responsible for stress and aggression from pigs, which are highly intelligent, emotional creatures whose asses taste of bacon. The resulting passive, "zombified" animals would be more content in captivity, making them much easier to transport and slaughter.

Scientists in Cambridge also hope to use these new modified pigs for longer periods of research, with the ultimate goal of introducing human genetic material into pig embryos in an attempt to cultivate safe, healthy human compatible organs that could be used for medical studies, transplants, or just to pair well with a glass of Human-Tainted milk as a part of your soul-destroying, but somewhat more balanced, breakfast.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
Charlott's Web wasn't lying. Pigs are actually highly sensitive animals, which is a bad match for their primary occupation on farms and factories: living in a cage and being turned into hot dogs. And, since pigs can't write angsty poetry on the back of Trapper Keepers and listen to Belle and Sebastian, the stress of confinement often results in a slew of bizarre neurological conditions, such as obsessive tail chewing, haunch-rubbing and bar-biting, all of which sound vaguely homoerotic to our adolescent minds.

The primary usage of these modified, stress-free pigs that live longer lives with fewer disorders is to allow the scientists to observe more deeply the effects of further experimentation. In other words, it makes them easier to treat horribly. For the consumer, the added bonus is a relief of all that meat eaters guilt, since the new animals presumably give knowing winks and cheerful thumbs up signs as they are lead off to slaughter.

What's going to happen to us?
The potential use of these Zombie-Pigs (a term so disturbing that it alone should either send you into uncontrollable shakes, or at least inspire you to start a metal band) as research animals for human hybrid experimentation is the point where true horror sets in. By introducing these modified pig embryos to human genetic material, the possibility of human infection by these "zombie" genes becomes very real. You get a lung transplant from a genetically lobotomized pig and perhaps next week you don't mind the price of gas so much and start to think maybe Everybody Loves Raymond deserves another shot.

This is frightening enough on its own, but these genes may pass on not only the traits of passiveness and obedience to their new hosts, but also on the many retroviruses pigs carry innately that, up until this point, could not infect humans. These viruses are called, no shit, Porcine Endogenous Retro-Viruses, or PERVS for short, as the Department of Hilarious Pig Acronyms informs us.

The PERVS, like HIV and, indeed, all retroviruses, are permanent once established. If infected, you can expect to experience severe, possibly lethal flu-like symptoms coupled with the complete and utter inability to ever get laid again as you inform potential lovers that you have PERVS, which actually gets worse once you attempt to explain that it "doesn't mean I'm a pervert, it's more like having Pig-AIDS."



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Fabulous ... now I can't rid myself of the image of spider goats leaving messages containing our exact location in their webs for the zombie pigs to read. Thanks. *hides*

Posted on 10/18/2008 4:16:21 PM

That last one made me laugh and laugh and laugh... very well worded!

Oh, and the mice and rats caught and carried the plague from lice, and it became more dangerous after growing in human streets and sewers, hugely filthy at the time. The rats were innocent, more or less, as long as people clean up after themselves and don't litter we'll be fine.

Oh.... s**t.

Posted on 10/18/2008 4:31:49 AM

I wanna know who crossed a dick and a sea anemononomomonome (sic?) [#4]

Posted on 10/13/2008 8:18:02 PM

I can't believe the third one didn't even mention the cow-people from Diablo II.

Posted on 10/8/2008 3:30:31 PM

it was the black rat that spread the plague

Posted on 9/19/2008 9:51:54 AM

aren't cow people called fat chicks? *gets the crap beaten outta her*

Posted on 9/18/2008 1:54:21 PM

forget spider pig SPIDERGOAT SPIDERGOAT DOES WATEVER A SPIDERGOAT DOES

Posted on 9/4/2008 8:47:20 PM

If the cow-people look like this, I'll be happy: http://eng.dlsite.com/work/=/product_id/RE024261.html

Posted on 8/31/2008 7:48:06 PM

a goddamn spider goat.

Posted on 8/30/2008 11:30:36 PM

"Oh, and thanks to inept scientists, it won't even glow in the dark so that you might see them coming for you through the f*****g trees."

I nearly killed myself laughing.

Posted on 8/30/2008 6:37:41 PM

Scientists have already created glow-in-the-dark mice.

Anyway, the "supermice" are not field mice. They are fancy mice (that is, the kind that people keep as pets and feed to snakes). Even when it refers to them as "Wild Type", that is a type of fancy mouse. Not that it makes it any less interesting, but it does set aside the worries about disease ridden super-field-mice. ;-) Fancies aren't disease-ridden any more than your dog is disease-ridden.

Posted on 8/30/2008 2:43:18 PM

To the gang bashing the scientists because you fail to see the point of their experiments: It is seldom the resulting animal that is the final goal of genetic testing. So even though you see no immediate need for glowing kittens, the experiment can teach us something valuable. And glowing kittens are cool. http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hlynpvqMfaAdSttDgyTDWydW_5OQD8U2EEKG0

Posted on 8/30/2008 12:51:21 PM

"doesn't mean I'm a pervert, it's more like having Pig-AIDS."

That is a classy ass line

Posted on 8/29/2008 6:43:50 PM

YOU'VE SEEN IT! YOU CAN'T
UNSEE IT! RUN IN FEAR FROM-
THE SPIDER GOAT!

Posted on 8/29/2008 6:26:33 PM

just don't give the cow people axes or we'll hafta deal w/ the secret section in Diablo 2 all over again.

Posted on 8/28/2008 9:50:51 PM

Must run hide from spider goat!

Posted on 8/28/2008 7:54:57 AM

I think I go hide under my bed now and pray the spider-goat kills me before the mice-munching cannibal supermen decide to have me for dinner.

Posted on 8/28/2008 5:32:58 AM

Okay, so we can create spider-goats. Next: SpiderMAN! along with Michael Phelps- Aquaman, and Usain BOLT- The Flash, I know that, pending the soon-to come versions that are powered by your chestlight and can fly, the Ironman suit is possible. Superheroes, unite!

Posted on 8/28/2008 12:40:35 AM

The Plague killed 1/3 of all Europe, who thought churches are immune to any and all diseases.

Posted on 8/28/2008 12:33:52 AM

"Mice literally decimated Europe"
Surely they killed off more than %10 of the people!

Posted on 8/27/2008 6:19:27 PM

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