The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

Good lord, what is it?
English scientists are currently researching ways to remove the genes responsible for stress and aggression from pigs, which are highly intelligent, emotional creatures whose asses taste of bacon. The resulting passive, "zombified" animals would be more content in captivity, making them much easier to transport and slaughter.

Scientists in Cambridge also hope to use these new modified pigs for longer periods of research, with the ultimate goal of introducing human genetic material into pig embryos in an attempt to cultivate safe, healthy human compatible organs that could be used for medical studies, transplants, or just to pair well with a glass of Human-Tainted milk as a part of your soul-destroying, but somewhat more balanced, breakfast.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
Charlott's Web wasn't lying. Pigs are actually highly sensitive animals, which is a bad match for their primary occupation on farms and factories: living in a cage and being turned into hot dogs. And, since pigs can't write angsty poetry on the back of Trapper Keepers and listen to Belle and Sebastian, the stress of confinement often results in a slew of bizarre neurological conditions, such as obsessive tail chewing, haunch-rubbing and bar-biting, all of which sound vaguely homoerotic to our adolescent minds.

The primary usage of these modified, stress-free pigs that live longer lives with fewer disorders is to allow the scientists to observe more deeply the effects of further experimentation. In other words, it makes them easier to treat horribly. For the consumer, the added bonus is a relief of all that meat eaters guilt, since the new animals presumably give knowing winks and cheerful thumbs up signs as they are lead off to slaughter.

What's going to happen to us?
The potential use of these Zombie-Pigs (a term so disturbing that it alone should either send you into uncontrollable shakes, or at least inspire you to start a metal band) as research animals for human hybrid experimentation is the point where true horror sets in. By introducing these modified pig embryos to human genetic material, the possibility of human infection by these "zombie" genes becomes very real. You get a lung transplant from a genetically lobotomized pig and perhaps next week you don't mind the price of gas so much and start to think maybe Everybody Loves Raymond deserves another shot.

This is frightening enough on its own, but these genes may pass on not only the traits of passiveness and obedience to their new hosts, but also on the many retroviruses pigs carry innately that, up until this point, could not infect humans. These viruses are called, no shit, Porcine Endogenous Retro-Viruses, or PERVS for short, as the Department of Hilarious Pig Acronyms informs us.

The PERVS, like HIV and, indeed, all retroviruses, are permanent once established. If infected, you can expect to experience severe, possibly lethal flu-like symptoms coupled with the complete and utter inability to ever get laid again as you inform potential lovers that you have PERVS, which actually gets worse once you attempt to explain that it "doesn't mean I'm a pervert, it's more like having Pig-AIDS."