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Home > Science > The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

By Robert Brockway January 9, 2008 1,599,115 views
article image
#2.
Zombie-Pigs

Good lord, what is it?
English scientists are currently researching ways to remove the genes responsible for stress and aggression from pigs, which are highly intelligent, emotional creatures whose asses taste of bacon. The resulting passive, "zombified" animals would be more content in captivity, making them much easier to transport and slaughter.

Scientists in Cambridge also hope to use these new modified pigs for longer periods of research, with the ultimate goal of introducing human genetic material into pig embryos in an attempt to cultivate safe, healthy human compatible organs that could be used for medical studies, transplants, or just to pair well with a glass of Human-Tainted milk as a part of your soul-destroying, but somewhat more balanced, breakfast.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
Charlott's Web wasn't lying. Pigs are actually highly sensitive animals, which is a bad match for their primary occupation on farms and factories: living in a cage and being turned into hot dogs. And, since pigs can't write angsty poetry on the back of Trapper Keepers and listen to Belle and Sebastian, the stress of confinement often results in a slew of bizarre neurological conditions, such as obsessive tail chewing, haunch-rubbing and bar-biting, all of which sound vaguely homoerotic to our adolescent minds.

The primary usage of these modified, stress-free pigs that live longer lives with fewer disorders is to allow the scientists to observe more deeply the effects of further experimentation. In other words, it makes them easier to treat horribly. For the consumer, the added bonus is a relief of all that meat eaters guilt, since the new animals presumably give knowing winks and cheerful thumbs up signs as they are lead off to slaughter.

What's going to happen to us?
The potential use of these Zombie-Pigs (a term so disturbing that it alone should either send you into uncontrollable shakes, or at least inspire you to start a metal band) as research animals for human hybrid experimentation is the point where true horror sets in. By introducing these modified pig embryos to human genetic material, the possibility of human infection by these "zombie" genes becomes very real. You get a lung transplant from a genetically lobotomized pig and perhaps next week you don't mind the price of gas so much and start to think maybe Everybody Loves Raymond deserves another shot.

This is frightening enough on its own, but these genes may pass on not only the traits of passiveness and obedience to their new hosts, but also on the many retroviruses pigs carry innately that, up until this point, could not infect humans. These viruses are called, no shit, Porcine Endogenous Retro-Viruses, or PERVS for short, as the Department of Hilarious Pig Acronyms informs us.

The PERVS, like HIV and, indeed, all retroviruses, are permanent once established. If infected, you can expect to experience severe, possibly lethal flu-like symptoms coupled with the complete and utter inability to ever get laid again as you inform potential lovers that you have PERVS, which actually gets worse once you attempt to explain that it "doesn't mean I'm a pervert, it's more like having Pig-AIDS."

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283 Comments

yeah, i thought that flees on the mice spread the plague? right?

9/11/2009 3:29:09 AM
lonnyp

Hang on a second... "The 5 Most Hated Creatures on the Planet (Don't Deserve It)" claims the rodents did NOT spread the plague.... Make up your minds, guys xD

Oh wait... what? You were not really trying to make sense at all? ah yeah, that DOES make some sense :)

9/5/2009 6:29:59 AM
Lilien

Please, don't use God's or Jesus's Name in vain.

9/4/2009 11:59:29 AM
dfthaman

Why does this remind me of the movie idiocracy,
Seriously are they running out of ideas?

9/2/2009 11:30:26 PM
cookieclown2000

LOLOLOL Taurens irl xD

9/1/2009 6:51:24 PM
XxGofigurexX

Lol. When I read the goat/spider portion of the article, I couldn't help but picture a gigantic spider web with a goat chilling in it. I was expecting a picture of that in the article.

You did not have it.

I hate you.

I hate all of you.

=D

9/1/2009 9:41:41 AM
elgsus

"...coupled with the complete and utter inability to ever get laid again as you inform potential lovers that you have PERVS, which actually gets worse once you attempt to explain that it "doesn't mean I'm a pervert, it's more like having Pig-AIDS."

I think I just found the funniest sentence I have ever read on Cracked.
Jesus Christ.

7/28/2009 8:20:23 AM
Agent Diner

The first human testing of superspeedygonzales heroin began many, many years ago and helps give boosted run and swim speed, endurance, and f*****g uncontrolled-child making tendencies to, you guessed it.... dirty mexicans.

7/19/2009 12:31:36 AM
Kindahuge

Sticking the glowing gene from jellyfish into other stuff is so overdone. There's no way it would destroy humanity.

7/15/2009 3:57:20 PM
hisserbee

That second pictue on the page about Jellyfish Monkeys looks like a dick

6/26/2009 7:16:25 PM
getcruunkk

Actually, as Jonathan Wojcik wrote in his article about critters that earn our undeserved hate, mice and rats aren't THAT much of a vector. The plague was spread by ticks. So, we really only have to worry about rediculously FAST vermin. Oh, and the eventual tweaked out, psychotic super-men, bent on raping us.

6/26/2009 7:47:00 AM
McWipp

@Sephy the Vegan

Meat is MURDER!!!








Tasty, TASTY murder...

6/18/2009 6:19:37 AM
MrHand

http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/4734/spidergoat.png

^This is what I see

6/14/2009 10:13:52 PM
hikariandsunny

aww man.why THE f**k did they have to ban animal/human hybrids?
(alright im a furry fan so what.)

6/12/2009 9:35:45 AM
dethklokfan45

I couldn't help but read Sephy's comment below in a "LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOONE!" voice.

6/7/2009 7:58:00 PM
Ragtatter

Okay, I found the other's funny, but seriously; making fun of Vegetarians and Vegans? Now that's just f*****g stupid.

Stop being such a f*****g p***k and stereotyping everyone who made this choice as a f*****g pansy who can't take the social qualms of real life. Seriously.

I'm a vegan. I know people hunt and kill and eat animals. Good for them. Humans are supposed to do that. I just don't feel comfortable eating something that had heartbeat. Deal? We're not spineless shits like you seem to think we are.

Stop being such an immature p***k.

6/7/2009 6:14:14 PM
Sephy

I know they have glowing cats. Their skin glows, not the fur. really weird looking.

6/6/2009 8:12:21 AM
Giblet_Head

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this, but we do have glowing mice (as opposed to yet glowing monkeys). Real glow-in-the-dark fluorescent mice: I believe the scientists who came up with them won a Nobel prize or something.

4/18/2009 5:15:43 PM
scary-sushi

I don't know about the rest of these, but SPEEDY GONZALEZ.
Oh please, we have waited too long GIVE US GONZALEZ!

3/4/2009 5:25:09 PM
RuvreeJohnson

with all this stuff life will become very extremely interseting. maybe even create another intelligant species to share earth with and do trade (haha). should splice something with WATER BEAR genes. look it up its not actually a bear. and is near unkillable.

3/1/2009 6:50:58 AM
tissmekyle

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