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The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

By Robert Brockway January 9, 2008 1,585,089 views
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#3.
Cow-People

Good lord, what is it?
Researchers in the Netherlands (Germany's Canada) seem to have no moral qualms or pesky hang-ups about human-animal hybrids, and as such have already successfully spliced together bovine and human genes. The result is a new animal comprised almost entirely of peaceful, harmless cow with just a horrifying smidge of man thrown in for good measure.

Pharming Group, the biotech lab responsible for the new animals, is currently in talks with the FDA seeking approval for agricultural use in the United States. If granted, they hope to have their products on your dinner tables and gnawing gently away at your conscience within the next few years.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
The cows have been combined with a human gene largely responsible for the production of Lactoferrin, a protein that has been found to fight various infections. Lactoferrin is most commonly seen in human bodily fluids, such as breast milk, lung secretions, or somewhat more disconcertingly, human tears. Pharming is negotiating mostly for food usages, specifically looking toward sports drinks, snack bars, popsicles and yogurt. Finally emo kids the world over will be able to get their Venti double lattes pre-cried-into.

What's going to happen to us?
Cows aren't exactly notorious for their deadly rampages, so it's not terribly likely that humanity will be under direct, physical attack by vicious herds of Cow-People. The implications, however, are not entirely harmless. Even assuming that, upon approval, not all cattle will be converted to hybrids, the subtle knowledge that there is even a remote chance your burger was .01 percent Some Dude will be more than many can bear.

Many consumers were scared off of canned tuna in the late 1990s, laboring under the common misconception that non-dolphin-safe tuna contained trace amounts of dolphin. Odds are if you're avoiding fish on the off chance it might be part Flipper, you're going to avoid steak on the off chance it might have at one time had .01 percent of a human soul. This newfound disgust with meat could lead to a swelling in the ranks of vegetarians, or even, god help us, vegans. A sinister development which, if left unchecked, could turn entire future generations into uncontrollable pussies sobbing into their hemp pillows every time a butterfly scrapes its knee.

Luckily, there is a standing debate on banning 'human-animal hybrids' for consumption, thanks to President (and make-believe cowboy) George W. Bush. The president took a daring stand against genetic engineering in his 2006 State of the Union address. Of course, this probably had more to do with his belief that human-hybrid animals included mermaids.

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283 Comments

yeah, i thought that flees on the mice spread the plague? right?

9/11/2009 3:29:09 AM
lonnyp

Hang on a second... "The 5 Most Hated Creatures on the Planet (Don't Deserve It)" claims the rodents did NOT spread the plague.... Make up your minds, guys xD

Oh wait... what? You were not really trying to make sense at all? ah yeah, that DOES make some sense :)

9/5/2009 6:29:59 AM
Lilien

Please, don't use God's or Jesus's Name in vain.

9/4/2009 11:59:29 AM
dfthaman

Why does this remind me of the movie idiocracy,
Seriously are they running out of ideas?

9/2/2009 11:30:26 PM
cookieclown2000

LOLOLOL Taurens irl xD

9/1/2009 6:51:24 PM
XxGofigurexX

Lol. When I read the goat/spider portion of the article, I couldn't help but picture a gigantic spider web with a goat chilling in it. I was expecting a picture of that in the article.

You did not have it.

I hate you.

I hate all of you.

=D

9/1/2009 9:41:41 AM
elgsus

"...coupled with the complete and utter inability to ever get laid again as you inform potential lovers that you have PERVS, which actually gets worse once you attempt to explain that it "doesn't mean I'm a pervert, it's more like having Pig-AIDS."

I think I just found the funniest sentence I have ever read on Cracked.
Jesus Christ.

7/28/2009 8:20:23 AM
Agent Diner

The first human testing of superspeedygonzales heroin began many, many years ago and helps give boosted run and swim speed, endurance, and f*****g uncontrolled-child making tendencies to, you guessed it.... dirty mexicans.

7/19/2009 12:31:36 AM
Kindahuge

Sticking the glowing gene from jellyfish into other stuff is so overdone. There's no way it would destroy humanity.

7/15/2009 3:57:20 PM
hisserbee

That second pictue on the page about Jellyfish Monkeys looks like a dick

6/26/2009 7:16:25 PM
getcruunkk

Actually, as Jonathan Wojcik wrote in his article about critters that earn our undeserved hate, mice and rats aren't THAT much of a vector. The plague was spread by ticks. So, we really only have to worry about rediculously FAST vermin. Oh, and the eventual tweaked out, psychotic super-men, bent on raping us.

6/26/2009 7:47:00 AM
McWipp

@Sephy the Vegan

Meat is MURDER!!!








Tasty, TASTY murder...

6/18/2009 6:19:37 AM
MrHand

http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/4734/spidergoat.png

^This is what I see

6/14/2009 10:13:52 PM
hikariandsunny

aww man.why THE f**k did they have to ban animal/human hybrids?
(alright im a furry fan so what.)

6/12/2009 9:35:45 AM
dethklokfan45

I couldn't help but read Sephy's comment below in a "LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOONE!" voice.

6/7/2009 7:58:00 PM
Ragtatter

Okay, I found the other's funny, but seriously; making fun of Vegetarians and Vegans? Now that's just f*****g stupid.

Stop being such a f*****g p***k and stereotyping everyone who made this choice as a f*****g pansy who can't take the social qualms of real life. Seriously.

I'm a vegan. I know people hunt and kill and eat animals. Good for them. Humans are supposed to do that. I just don't feel comfortable eating something that had heartbeat. Deal? We're not spineless shits like you seem to think we are.

Stop being such an immature p***k.

6/7/2009 6:14:14 PM
Sephy

I know they have glowing cats. Their skin glows, not the fur. really weird looking.

6/6/2009 8:12:21 AM
Giblet_Head

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this, but we do have glowing mice (as opposed to yet glowing monkeys). Real glow-in-the-dark fluorescent mice: I believe the scientists who came up with them won a Nobel prize or something.

4/18/2009 5:15:43 PM
scary-sushi

I don't know about the rest of these, but SPEEDY GONZALEZ.
Oh please, we have waited too long GIVE US GONZALEZ!

3/4/2009 5:25:09 PM
RuvreeJohnson

with all this stuff life will become very extremely interseting. maybe even create another intelligant species to share earth with and do trade (haha). should splice something with WATER BEAR genes. look it up its not actually a bear. and is near unkillable.

3/1/2009 6:50:58 AM
tissmekyle

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