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The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

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#3.
Cow-People

Good lord, what is it?
Researchers in the Netherlands (Germany's Canada) seem to have no moral qualms or pesky hang-ups about human-animal hybrids, and as such have already successfully spliced together bovine and human genes. The result is a new animal comprised almost entirely of peaceful, harmless cow with just a horrifying smidge of man thrown in for good measure.

Pharming Group, the biotech lab responsible for the new animals, is currently in talks with the FDA seeking approval for agricultural use in the United States. If granted, they hope to have their products on your dinner tables and gnawing gently away at your conscience within the next few years.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
The cows have been combined with a human gene largely responsible for the production of Lactoferrin, a protein that has been found to fight various infections. Lactoferrin is most commonly seen in human bodily fluids, such as breast milk, lung secretions, or somewhat more disconcertingly, human tears. Pharming is negotiating mostly for food usages, specifically looking toward sports drinks, snack bars, popsicles and yogurt. Finally emo kids the world over will be able to get their Venti double lattes pre-cried-into.

What's going to happen to us?
Cows aren't exactly notorious for their deadly rampages, so it's not terribly likely that humanity will be under direct, physical attack by vicious herds of Cow-People. The implications, however, are not entirely harmless. Even assuming that, upon approval, not all cattle will be converted to hybrids, the subtle knowledge that there is even a remote chance your burger was .01 percent Some Dude will be more than many can bear.

Many consumers were scared off of canned tuna in the late 1990s, laboring under the common misconception that non-dolphin-safe tuna contained trace amounts of dolphin. Odds are if you're avoiding fish on the off chance it might be part Flipper, you're going to avoid steak on the off chance it might have at one time had .01 percent of a human soul. This newfound disgust with meat could lead to a swelling in the ranks of vegetarians, or even, god help us, vegans. A sinister development which, if left unchecked, could turn entire future generations into uncontrollable pussies sobbing into their hemp pillows every time a butterfly scrapes its knee.

Luckily, there is a standing debate on banning 'human-animal hybrids' for consumption, thanks to President (and make-believe cowboy) George W. Bush. The president took a daring stand against genetic engineering in his 2006 State of the Union address. Of course, this probably had more to do with his belief that human-hybrid animals included mermaids.



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Fabulous ... now I can't rid myself of the image of spider goats leaving messages containing our exact location in their webs for the zombie pigs to read. Thanks. *hides*

Posted on 10/18/2008 4:16:21 PM

That last one made me laugh and laugh and laugh... very well worded!

Oh, and the mice and rats caught and carried the plague from lice, and it became more dangerous after growing in human streets and sewers, hugely filthy at the time. The rats were innocent, more or less, as long as people clean up after themselves and don't litter we'll be fine.

Oh.... s**t.

Posted on 10/18/2008 4:31:49 AM

I wanna know who crossed a dick and a sea anemononomomonome (sic?) [#4]

Posted on 10/13/2008 8:18:02 PM

I can't believe the third one didn't even mention the cow-people from Diablo II.

Posted on 10/8/2008 3:30:31 PM

it was the black rat that spread the plague

Posted on 9/19/2008 9:51:54 AM

aren't cow people called fat chicks? *gets the crap beaten outta her*

Posted on 9/18/2008 1:54:21 PM

forget spider pig SPIDERGOAT SPIDERGOAT DOES WATEVER A SPIDERGOAT DOES

Posted on 9/4/2008 8:47:20 PM

If the cow-people look like this, I'll be happy: http://eng.dlsite.com/work/=/product_id/RE024261.html

Posted on 8/31/2008 7:48:06 PM

a goddamn spider goat.

Posted on 8/30/2008 11:30:36 PM

"Oh, and thanks to inept scientists, it won't even glow in the dark so that you might see them coming for you through the f*****g trees."

I nearly killed myself laughing.

Posted on 8/30/2008 6:37:41 PM

Scientists have already created glow-in-the-dark mice.

Anyway, the "supermice" are not field mice. They are fancy mice (that is, the kind that people keep as pets and feed to snakes). Even when it refers to them as "Wild Type", that is a type of fancy mouse. Not that it makes it any less interesting, but it does set aside the worries about disease ridden super-field-mice. ;-) Fancies aren't disease-ridden any more than your dog is disease-ridden.

Posted on 8/30/2008 2:43:18 PM

To the gang bashing the scientists because you fail to see the point of their experiments: It is seldom the resulting animal that is the final goal of genetic testing. So even though you see no immediate need for glowing kittens, the experiment can teach us something valuable. And glowing kittens are cool. http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hlynpvqMfaAdSttDgyTDWydW_5OQD8U2EEKG0

Posted on 8/30/2008 12:51:21 PM

"doesn't mean I'm a pervert, it's more like having Pig-AIDS."

That is a classy ass line

Posted on 8/29/2008 6:43:50 PM

YOU'VE SEEN IT! YOU CAN'T
UNSEE IT! RUN IN FEAR FROM-
THE SPIDER GOAT!

Posted on 8/29/2008 6:26:33 PM

just don't give the cow people axes or we'll hafta deal w/ the secret section in Diablo 2 all over again.

Posted on 8/28/2008 9:50:51 PM

Must run hide from spider goat!

Posted on 8/28/2008 7:54:57 AM

I think I go hide under my bed now and pray the spider-goat kills me before the mice-munching cannibal supermen decide to have me for dinner.

Posted on 8/28/2008 5:32:58 AM

Okay, so we can create spider-goats. Next: SpiderMAN! along with Michael Phelps- Aquaman, and Usain BOLT- The Flash, I know that, pending the soon-to come versions that are powered by your chestlight and can fly, the Ironman suit is possible. Superheroes, unite!

Posted on 8/28/2008 12:40:35 AM

The Plague killed 1/3 of all Europe, who thought churches are immune to any and all diseases.

Posted on 8/28/2008 12:33:52 AM

"Mice literally decimated Europe"
Surely they killed off more than %10 of the people!

Posted on 8/27/2008 6:19:27 PM

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