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#5.
Getting the Point
Film: Thunderball Bond is having his final showdown with bad guy Vargas on board Vargas' luxury yacht, which is named the "Disco Volante." And, why not? Anyway, Vargas gains the upper hand and is about to shoot Bond when love interest Domino arrives and shoots Vargas in the back with a spear gun. Bond says, "I think he got the point." Vargas probably did get the point; the point you were trying to make is that he should die via spear to the spinal column. He totally understands that, now. But, spears are pointy too ... wait, that statement has a double meaning! Bond, you manslaughtering fool, you! What will you think of next? Groan Factor: 8 #4.
Boner Reference No. 3
Film: A View to a Kill Bond is investigating bad guy Max Zorin's horse racing racket when he meets Jenny Flex, horse trainer-type. James Bond says, "Well my dear, I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle." Jenny Flex replies, "Yes, I love an early morning ride." James Bond then responds, "Well, I'm an early riser myself." As you see from the clip (the exchange is near the beginning), we have sexual innuendo delivered as if they're talking about the geological features of Nebraska.
We've come a long way as a society from Bogart and Bacall sultrily exchanging innuendo over cigarettes to Roger Moore and Allison Doody discussing sex as if it was as exciting as a variable interest-bearing mutual fund. Bond is so bored by the idea of sex at this point that the obligatory pun is a chore for him. "Yeah," he'll say, yawning and glancing at his watch, "I get boners a lot." Groan Factor: 8 #3.
Boner Reference No.
4
Film: Diamonds are Forever Bond and Plenty O'Toole ("Named after your father, perhaps?" remarks Bond) are making out when Plenty almost completely undresses and walks into the bedroom. Bond picks up her dress and turns around to find some henchmen are pointing guns at him. James Bond says, "Well, I'm afraid you've caught me with more than my hands up." Too much information, especially coming from a Sean Connery who, no matter what women thought of him in the '60s, probably looked like a cross between a leprechaun and Chewbacca when naked.
Groan Factor: 9 #2.
The Horrible Pun Marathon
Film: The Spy Who Loved Me Maybe, we should call this one The Spy Who Made Constant Double Entendres For the Entire Movie, So Much So That No One Can Remember The Plot and Just Thinks It Was a Movie About Double Entendres. There are so many double entendres in The Spy Who Loved Me it's impossible to just single one out. Bond (in a romantic mood)says, "When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures." In another scene, M asks where Bond is. Moneypenny replies, "He's on a mission sir. In Austria." M responds, "Well, tell him to pull out. Immediately!" (Cut to Bond having sex with a woman). Elsewhere, Maj. Anya Amasova asks, "What happened to Kalba? (He was killed by being severely bitten by metal teeth--don't ask.)" Bond answers, "He was cut off--permanently." Also when referring to Jaws (the henchman with metal teeth), Bond says, "He just dropped in for a quick bite." Then later, when Bond has Jaws restrained with a large magnet, says, "How does that grab you?" And finally, when Bond is discovered having sex with rogue agent Anya and Sir Frederick Gray asks, "Bond! What do you think you're doing?" Bond replies, "Keeping the British end up, sir." Wow. It's like the last four hours of The Matrix Revolutions, where the squid robots come pouring through the tunnel into Zion and a guy just stands there screaming and shooting them for about 73 solid minutes of screen time: the double entendres just keep coming. Groan Factor (cumulative): 9.5 #1.
Cunning Linguist
Film: Tomorrow Never Dies Bond is bragging to Moneypenny about bagging his Scandinavian language tutor. Bond says, "I always enjoyed learning a new tongue." Moneypenny replies, "You always were a cunning linguist, James." Wait ... is she suggesting James Bond went down on her at some point in the past? That's a perfectly natural act between two consenting adults, we suppose. And, maybe it's our problem that the frat-boy innuendo seems par for the course for a man but cringe-worthy when coming from the mouth of a woman who looks like a matronly Reba McIntire.
We admit it. We're not ready for middle-aged woman innuendo, mostly because it brings up dark memories of dad walking into the kitchen and saying, "I've got the new fridge. I'll pull around and bring it in that way." Mom then says, "You always did like putting it in the back door." Then they'd give each other that hungry, knowing look. We'd stare at them over our cereal, not quite sure what was going on, but feeling the chill of something horrible having passed unseen through their conversation. Thanks for the mental image, Mr. Bond. Groan Factor: 10 If you liked this article, check out our rundown of The 5 Worst Lines of Dialogue (From Movies That Don't Actually Suck) . |
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Well Chris, there was a p***y Galore.
He also said "I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey."
The worst offender was Roger Moore, whose singular lack of talent required replacing interesting characters and action with stupid scenes, lame jokes, and inane dialogue.
How about Boner Reference Number 5?
Goldfinger
The scene where Bond and Jill Masterson are going at it (before she dies from being covered in gold paint), Felix calls and Bond says the following:
"Dinner?....Not tonight Felix, something big has come up."
I don't know why people think Hollywood has only recently begun doing remakes and sequels. They've been doing Bonds for 45 f*****g years.
Haha the last time i watched that Bond movie with Denise Richards was wen i was about 8... So i didnt get it... Should never hav read this stupid article :P
The line about Christmas coming only once a year needs to be higher on the list, maybe even #1. Bond puns can be cringe-worthy, but that one was so awful we're lucky it didn't tear open a hole in the fabric of time and space.
There are a large amount of groans in Bond films, that's half the fun. Roald Dahl even wrote the script for one movie.
First off, thankyou for a welcome giggle on a study break!
Next up, I apologise if this has already been pointed out, but I confess I haven't read all 159 comments. I just thought it should be pointed out that as a British agent it's not that strange for Bond to talk about someone having(or not having) a head for heights, or getting the boot - they're both phrases that are still used today in Britain, especially getting the boot, which is a favourite of our tabloids even now.
"Now the whole world will know that you've scratched my balls!" >_<;
Madonna?? hohoho, I saw her profile on the celebrities/rich men seeking affairs site SugarCupid.com today. It said she is interested in seeking a young boy for sugar baby on that site!
Madonna?? hohoho, I saw her profile on the celebrities/rich men seeking affairs site SugarCupid.com today. It said she is interested in seeking a young boy for sugar baby on that site!
"Your gloves are fuzzy" . . . the funniest thing I have read all week.
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Awesome article. The last part was the funniest.
...or Mrs. D'c**k?
They should make a list of the most thinly-veiled Bond girl names/sexual innuendos. Xenia Onatopp, Plenty O'Toole? WTF? Plenty isn't even a name! How about Lotsa Sexxx or Pound Myass?
yo cool czech , your mother is a tart
I'm actually surprised they missed the opening scene in "You Only Live Twice," when Bond finishes up a roll in the way with a Hong Kong wench by observing that Chinese girls taste different from White girls, but not different: sort of like Peking Duck is different from Caviar, but not worse. The Chinese tart retorts... "Darling, I give you very best DUCK..."
What do you do when you've made a movie nobody wants to see? Lie.
Hollywood? More like "Thieving Bastards," right?
Number 6: Invest in Cracked.com.
Mother Natures hates you.
"Restructuring," "Redistributing," "Reshuffling."
Politics are stupid.
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angeldevoid07
Don't forget the line by Madonna! "No thanks, I don't like c**k fights"