10 Classic Toys (And Why They Suck)
Whatever new-fangled video games and hover boards are hitting toy store shelves this Christmas, there are some classics that just never go away. We're talking about toys that go back decades and even centuries. Why? We're not sure, because most of them suck.
#10.
Slinky
What is it:
A floppy spring-shaped thing that's supposed to walk down stairs and was designed by Richard James (later of James Industries) in 1943. We're guessing the design phase consisted of him drawing a curly squiggle on the back of a napkin while on the telephone.
Why it sucks:
Throughout human history, we highly doubt anyone ever claimed that going down some stairs was a fun activity, yet this premise is entirely what Richard James based his toy on. And, it seems, two generations of parents agreed with him. They rushed out to buy their offspring a Slinky for Christmas, instead of a Total Death Chaos Raygun 3000 or other similarly named toys that promised instant awesomeness.
Those children promptly ran up to the top of the stairs, pushed the Slinky off the top step and watched it flop down to the next where it would stay, completely inert until they nudged it again. Then, it would roll sideways off the step and lay sadly against the wall. Sighing, children the world over would then pack their Slinky away then go outside and do something more fun, like poke some dog shit with a stick.
What can make it better:
It's hard to make something that falls down stairs better, but James Industries could have tried. Maybe, it would have been more interesting if it had negotiated something trickier than a staircase--a cluttered floor, a minefield, one of those tire drills they always have at the NFL combine. How they could get a spring to do that, we don't know, but then again, we never claimed to be toy makers, James Industries.
Fun fact:
The Slinky has been named the Official State Toy of Pennsylvania as of Nov 4, 2001. We're thinking the Amish might have had a hand in that.
#9.
Space Hopper
What is it:
An inflated rubber ball with a handle thing. Originally called the Space Hopper, it also has been marketed as a "Hoppity Hop," "Hop-A-Roo" and any number of equally retarded names. The idea is that a person sits on the ball, grasps the handle and propels himself along using the power of bounce.
Why it sucks:
A Space Hopper is an awesome idea in premise, and the kids in the commercials always look like they're having a blast. Every kid who watches it sees himself bouncing over houses or zipping across the yard as if mounted on a round, rubbery steed. The name alone suggests that with one bounce, a child can be launched into the stratosphere.
In reality, the bouncing properties of a Space Hopper equate to those of a dropped egg. And, forward movement is approximately that of an asthmatic beetle with two missing legs. Still, parents around the world saw those ads and, for many of us, at least one Christmas featured a huge, almost round wrapped gift under the tree.
"Gee, what do you think that is, Sport!," your father would say.
"Gosh, I just don't know." You'd lie, while secretly hoping it might be two BB guns and a poster of the chick from Weird Science wrapped up with a soon to hatch Gremlin. But, you knew you were just fooling yourself.
What can make it better:
Just making it out of some kind of actual bouncy material would help. As it is, you feel like you're really doing all the work, trying to drag yourself and the ball across the yard with the sheer force of your pelvic thrusts. Though, we seem to remember the teenage girls in our neighborhood saying it was a brilliant toy, for some reason, and that it could never be improved. We all sneered at that, because what did girls know?
Fun fact:
Ashrita Furman from New York, holds the world-record for the fastest 100-meter dash on a Space Hopper. Ashrita Furman is a serial record breaker, and holds 25 current world records, including the longest pool cue balance, the longest underwater juggling and the longest pointless existence on Earth.
#8.
Ball in a Cup
What is it?:
Sometimes called a "balero" depending on what part of the world you're in, it's a wooden cup on a handle, attached to a ball on a string. The idea is to toss the ball into the air and catch it in the cup. And then you...well, nothing. That's it.
Why it sucks:
Catching things is not that hard, and catching a ball in a cup doesn't make the task any trickier, especially when the ball is attached to the cup by a piece of string about 18-inches long. The re-playability factor is also sadly lacking: Once you catch the ball in the cup, that's it. There's no smaller cup to move on to, or bigger ball or longer string. Thus, when a child is presented with this toy from well-meaning parents on their 7th birthday, they duly toss the ball into the cup three or four times, then put it down and go back to drawing on a younger sibling's face with permanent markers.
What can make it better:
Removing the string. At least children could fling a ball without a cup connected to it hard up into the air or hard at each other's heads. And, as a plus, the ball would quickly get lost, meaning they would never have to play with the fucking thing again.
Fun fact:
The TV show Family Guy parodied the toy in an episode, and pretty much captured the futility of the whole thing.
#7.
Hula Hoop
What is it:
A hoop, usually made out of plastic, that can be twirled around the hips, waist or neck. It was 'invented' in 1958 by Richard Knerr and Arthur "Spud" Melin, founders of the Wham-O toy company.
Why it sucks:
"Playing" Hula Hoop involves holding the hoop around you at waist level, then trying to spin it at a rate approaching 1,000 rpms. Then you stand with your feet planted on the spot, spasmodically twitch your waist and hips as the hula Hoop drops to the floor. You sigh, pick the thing up again, and restart. But this time, you manage to keep it off the ground, at which point the Hula Hoop ricochets up your body and smacks you in the face.
Chances are there will be someone nearby whose body seems to be made of rubber, who can somehow gyrate their way to having five of the fucking things spinning around their waist and neck. They'll claim in a loud voice that it's so easy, that you just have to put your hips into it and you'll be fine. It is always OK to throw rocks at this person.
What can make it better:
Ignoring its toy factor altogether and instead, marketing it to tubby people as a novelty belt.
Fun fact:
The current endurance record for hula hooping is held by Roxane Rose, who hula hooped for 90 hours in April 1987, probably due to some kind of mental illness.
#6.
Aerobie Sprint Flying Ring
What is it?:
Frisbee designed to be thrown over great distances.
Why it sucks:
Frisbees are quite fun, for the short term, especially when three or four people are in a park and tossing it between themselves. The Aerobie attempts to improve on this with a design that enables it to be flung over great distances, sometimes upwards of 200 yards. This feat of toy engineering has the effect of rendering the toy useless for every child whose yard isn't the size of a football field.
A game of Aerobie usually consisted of you throwing the Aerobie to a friend, or more accurately, toward a black speck on the horizon. Your friend will then have to go looking for the Aerobie, which has been predictably blown off course and ended up in a dog-shit infested clump of bushes 150 feet away. After an indeterminate amount of time, your friend emerges, covered in burrs, twigs and poop, and flings the Aerobie back at you. The Aerobie will, naturally, sail 20 feet over your head and land in the stagnant pond 100 meters behind you. The game will then be held up indefinitely as you and your friend decide "motherfuck an Aerobie" and go home.
What can make it better:
Toy makers stop dicking around with something that was fine the way it was.
Fun fact:
The word "Aerobie" can be used to refer to the sport of ultimate Frisbee, which is a non-contact sport and thus totally pointless.
The space hopper shouldn't be on here! That was, like, the ancestor to the ripstik. If you had one of these as a kid, you were considered a god, a king, or something of the sort.
Replyyoyo and boomerang ar not toys they are hunting weapons that some kids decided to play with in spite of there dads warning them not to (you can SERIOUSLY F**K some one up with a yoyo if you know what you are doing)
ReplyYou forgot Devil Sticks.
ReplyIs this thing called Diablo or Diabolo?
ReplyLook up Katie the Hula Hoop Girl, it might change your mind about hula hoops!
ReplyHaha I've either played or am familiar with all of these toys except for the diablo. Yo-yo's were the tits when I was growing up
Replyactually, pogo sticks are awesome. There needs to be an extreme pogosticking league
ReplyI've actually made a boomerang in Woodworking that came back after throwing it. Of course, I would have to sprint at 5 feet per f*****g second to catch it.
ReplyI think the point was the author was really bad at using SOME of these toys when he was a kid, I was pretty good at getting the boomerang to come back but like he said the wood ones are much better. Also Yo-Yo's are not impossible, didn't you have any siblings?
ReplyMoon shoes! MOON SHOES!
ReplyThe f*****g anti-gravity shoes.
The sister to the pogo stick: the saturn jumper, or whatever the f**k it was called. Anyone know what I'm talking about?
ReplyOkay, Google tells me it's the pogo ball.
Yep, #5 isn't racist at all. -_-
ReplyGood Observation.
Hula hoops can be pretty fun when you learn how to use them. They do suck when you are trying really hard, swaying about in spastic circles only to get the thing to revolve two or three times... Hula-hooping is actually very easy once you figure it out. You don't actually have to move much at all.
ReplyI just read the boomerang part and I have to set you straight. It's true that the Aboriginal People of Australia developed it, but they used it as a weapon for hunting. Assuming they threw it right(which they probably did), if it hit an animal, the animal would be knocked out and the boomerang would fall right where it was. If it missed, it would come back, saving time for the hunters. The modern boomerangs are made of plastic instead of wood, like they're supposed to be, and sometimes are shaped wrong. Also, the kids that get these don't exactly know how to freaking throw the dang thing. That's why not a lot of them work. You know what's sad? You didn't even look into this. You know what's sadder? A 13 year old girl is more knowledgeable on that subject than you, a grown man(possibly living in his parents' basement), are.
ReplyYou realize just about everything you said was indeed in the article...
You have to realize that the yo-yo's that the "pros" (whatever) use are easily going to drop you a few hundred dollars at least. Some of my friends and I were into collecting them, and I remember coveting the ones I knew my parents wouldn't be able to afford me because they slept for what seemed like a lifetime, which made the tricks alot easier to pull off. I haven't really followed for a while, but they're always coming up with new ways to design them so that they run faster and smoother than ever before.
Replyactually, yoyos nowaday are commonly made of aircraft grade aluminum and contain abec 7 ball bearings, and are often collectors pieces. since the late 90's yoyos have not slowed down, and have become very popular; as with a skilled flick of the wrist on a mid range yoyo will allow you to throw a sleeper that lasts 40-90 seconds.
ReplyLawn darts. I can't believe you forgot lawn darts! I knew a guy who got one of these lodged in his forehead after he threw it into a tree and then looked up at it for a while before it came unstuck and attacked his face.
Replyto be fair, in australia most people can throw a boomerang and have it return...
ReplyYeah, well, Australia's like Donkey Kong Country- the landscape is beautiful, the people of your species are nice and friendly, and everything else is trying to kill you. What else are they going to do but master the boomerang?
@Runneronice Accually most boomerangs sold in doller stores and places like walmart just look like boomerangs , but are really s****y and have no real aereodynamics/foil to make the boomerangs work properly(they're basically glorified frisbys )... sports stores (like Sports academy in macon ,ga) are the only ones that sell real boomerangs..I bought one for 3$ n it worked perfectly.
Most of those don't suck at all, from the sound of it either you suck or you bought cheap knockoffs or both.
Replyah.. the hula hoop... how I wish I could get into the rhythm of using one again. been too long...
ReplyI'd love to use boomerings but I'd spend the whole time ducking in fear that I'd get knocked out because I couldn't catch it in time. I've been smacked around on the head far too many times from volleyballs and basketballs. bad memories...
At least it wasn't bad enough to erase those memories.