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Illegitimate Offspring: The 10 Most Tenuously Connected Movie Sequels

#5.
U.S. Marshals

Sequel To: The Fugitive

Tenuous Connection:
Sam Gerard, U.S. Marshal with ridiculously huge ears.

Plot Summary:
Another fugitive escapes, and Sam Gerard has to find him, too.

Why It Doesn't Work:
This movie can't ever decide if it wants to acknowledge that it's a sequel or not. On the one hand, Tommy Lee Jones plays the same U.S. Marshal as he does in The Fugitive, so maybe you're supposed to know it's a sequel. On the other hand, it's the exact same plot as The Fugitive, which makes it feel more like a Bollywood ripoff than an actual sequel.

Tommy Lee Jones vs. Harrison Ford is a fair fight. Both guys are kind of old-you get the impression that neither of them want to run too fast, fearing they might throw their backs out. Muscle-bound martial artist Wesley Snipes, on the other hand, looks like he could beat Tommy Lee Jones to death with his own cane. Why bother running?

This movie is actually a lot more watchable today than it was when it was released. Just watch the whole thing, pretending that Tommy Lee Jones actually works for the IRS, and they're trying to nab Wesley Snipes for tax fraud. It adds a whole new layer.

#4.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Sequel To: The Fast and The Furious

Tenuous Connection:
Cars

Plot Summary:
People race cars in Tokyo, and they're awesome at drifting, which is a style of racing for douchebags.

Why It Doesn't Work:
First of all, any movie that makes people miss Vin Diesel is guilty of an egregious sin. Mr. Diesel hasn't been in anything other than a "Big Guy Has To Take Care Of Children" comedy for years, but he passed on both sequels to the Fast and the Furious. Paul Walker showed himself to be more pathetic than Vin Fucking Diesel by starring in the second movie, and even HE bailed on this one.

The only thing Tokyo Drift shares with the other two movies is that it sucks. The entire movie is built on "drifting," which one character helpfully explains means that the cars are light and the tires are slick. He further elucidates: "If you ain't outta control, then you ain't in control." What in the holy living fuck does that mean?

Essentially, drifting is a controlled slide. The movie Cars came out exactly one week prior and used the same plot point, but at least they knew it wasn't something that could be the premise of the entire movie.

There are numerous scenes containing hot women wearing virtually no clothing, but the camera seems to always move past them and focus on cars. Really, it's basically pornography for car geeks.

#3.
Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe's War

Sequel To: Lawnmower Man

Tenuous Connection:
Peter, the little boy from the first movie.

Plot Summary:
Jobe, thoroughly replaced by another actor, has to help some guy finish some computer chip the size of a basketball, and Peter has to stop them.

Why It Doesn't Work:
One of the first things the movie does is explain that Jobe has had some facial reconstructive surgery, in an attempt to justify Jobe's change in appearance. The entire plot of this movie should center around Jobe suing his surgeons, since he looks absolutely nothing like the actor who played him in the last movie. They didn't even try to find someone similar-looking. They may as well have cast a dog in the role.

The vision of the future presented in the film pretty much steals from every other futuristic science fiction movie of the time. This would be more forgivable if not for the fact that the first Lawnmower Man took place at 'present time,' and the kid in this movie is about 5 years older than in the first movie. How'd we get to flying cars and sprawling dystopian cityscapes in five years? What the fuck happened to Earth? Is everyone OK?

In the end, Jobe goes back to being mentally retarded, so everyone forgives him for killing a bunch of people when he was smart. Afterwards, they must have been so nervous any time they saw Jobe reading. "You're not going and learning anything, are you? You became a homicidal maniac last time. Oh, it's an Aquaman comic book? Carry on."

#2.
Mannequin 2

Sequel To: Mannequin

Tenuous Connection:
Offensive Gay Stereotype Hollywood Montrose

Plot Summary:
A mannequin comes to life. Again.

Why It Doesn't Work:

This mannequin isn't the same girl from the first movie. She doesn't get turned back into a mannequin or anything. This is a completely separate set of people, who just happen to experience a mannequin coming to life. To make the coincidence even more unbelievable, both times this asshole named Hollywood Montrose is around to see it. Montrose would be responsible for setting the gay rights movement back 30 years if anyone had seen this movie. He's flamboyant, wears big pink glasses, and drives a car with pink dots on it. At one point he explains that he was in the Navy because he was "looking for a few good men." The guy makes Perez Hilton look like Hugh Hefner.

The movie itself is utterly ridiculous. Instead of being a mannequin that some guy creates like in the first movie, the girl in this movie is actually a 17th century princess that was frozen by an evil wizard and mistaken for a mannequin in modern times. As soon as her magical necklace gets removed, she unfreezes. In 300 years, nobody ever once removed her necklace before? Even though for the last 40 or so years, she's been mistaken for something that gets dressed and undressed for window displays all the time? What did people think she was BEFORE human beings invented mannequins? The very fact that this movie makes the first Mannequin's stupid premise seem almost logical by comparison is enough to warrant every copy of this film being destroyed.

The characters eventually find out that the evil wizard is back, reincarnated as a guy played by Bernie from Weekend and Bernie's, and there's a ridiculous battle. At one point, an action scene takes place inside a hot-air balloon, so we guess Speed 3 won't be able to use that after all. The movie is nearly identical to the first Mannequin, except dumber. It's really less of a sequel and more of a remake, as if the world was saying "Hey, we really like the first movie about a mannequin that comes alive, but it's too realistic. Can you make it again, but for idiots?"

#1.

Sequel To: Halloween

Tenuous Connection:
Contains a television showing an advertisement for the first Halloween movie.

Plot Summary:
Some guy makes Halloween masks that kill people.

Why It Doesn't Work:
The idea behind this movie was originally that each year, a new Halloween movie would be released, each with a different scary story unrelated to the other movies. This idea wouldn't have been so bad, except that it was the third Halloween movie, not the second, and by then we had come to expect the whole Michael Myers thing.

It also didn't help that they replaced Myers with... masks. Masks that... kill people somehow.

It's the sort of thing that a sitcom would use for a Halloween special. We can easily imagine the Tanner kids from Full House thinking that "Daunting Mask, Inc." or something was making deadly Halloween masks. They go to investigate the factory, only to discover that the company owner is guest-star Vincent Price, and the whole thing is a misunderstanding. Danny gives them a lecture on not jumping to conclusions and Jesse plays a god-awful song about making false accusations.

Rod Hilton is a writer and, in his spare time, he enjoys tearing Hollywood a new asshole over at The Editing Room.
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