1. Caller: I'm half Irish, so whenever I'm at a bar picking up chicks, I always say, "Hey, do you have any Irish in you? Do you want some?" Am I funny, or what?
TBS: Are you wearing Velcro shoes?
Caller: Yes, how did...
TBS: And I can only assume a Big Johnson T-Shirt?
Caller: They only had XL but I usually wear a medium.
TBS: Sir, reach around behind you. There should be a sign on your back"
Caller: It says I'm retarded.
TBS: Actually sir, you're legally retarded and prior to this call were unaware of that fact. Congratulations, that is very funny. Just probably not to you.
Caller:Yes, I'm profoundly sad.
2. Caller: The only way for my wife and I to properly explain sex to our kids is by making love in front of them.
Caller: So we finally get them in the room, and we're about to do it, but I can't get my dick hard. My wife' disappointed, the kids are bored and the goddamn dog won't stop barking. Funny?
TBS: How big is your dog?
Caller: He' a full-grown puggle, a pug and a beagle hybrid, so pretty small.
TBS: Not so funny. A bigger, soaking wet dog would have been perfect. Get a lab, hose him down, and call us back.
Caller: Will do.
3. Caller: Hello, TBS. I'm driving in my car around southern Alabama. It' really dark here and I can't see so good. All of a sudden a little mulatto boy jumps in front of my Tahoe. I swerved, but still got him real good. He' alive and twitching all over the road. I just can't stop laughing, but I have to know if it' actually funny.
TBS: You called us before calling 911?
Caller: Well, yeah. I have to get validation for my uncontrollable laughter.
TBS: Congrats, sir. We give it a "Very Funny." Thanks for the call. Now go get your car washed.
4. Caller: Hi, so I was just playing football with my son. I throw him a pass and he drops it and so I say, 'Nice catch Nancy.' But instead of shrugging it off he breaks down crying and tells me he' gay. So I punch him in the face, take him inside and make him watch me fuck his mom on the kitchen table. Funny?
TBS: We give it a "Moderately Funny." Next time, make sure the extended family is present for the punching and, if possible, his boyfriend.
Caller: I'll work on it. Thanks TBS.
5. Caller: I have cancer of the mouth.
TBS: Call TNT.
6. Caller: Hi. I've got this hangnail that won't come off; I just cut myself shaving; the eczema on my shoulder is only getting worse; I'm mostly impotent; I work part-time at a library (which is my full-time job); and I recently found out my wife is humping our daughter' ex-boyfriend. I was going to hang myself in the shed until I found the number for this suicide hotline. Help me, please. Hello? Anybody there? Am I on hold? Is that the Friends theme song? Why are you laughing?