THE PRICE IS RIGHT
- When called to "come on down," please do so in a timely fashion, keeping arm flailing and screaming to a minimum. It is advised that female contestants wear a brassiere or otherwise supportive top for this portion of the program, as small children and people with heart conditions are the chief audience of The Price Is Right.
- Item bidding is a highly competitive process. For the sake of decorum, please do not screw with your fellow contestant and bid a dollar higher than he does every time, pointing your finger in his face and saying, "That sporting goods set is mine, shitbox!"
- Once you are up on stage, you may hug Bob Barker - but not too tightly, as he has been known to fuck a dude or two up. Show producers suggest that particularly attractive female contestants kiss Mr. Barker, and perhaps see him in his trailer after the show if he suggests.
- Look excited, no matter what. When you're shown a prize that is neither a car nor cash - perhaps an ottoman or some kind of popcorn maker - at least pretend that you want it. It is, however, entirely acceptable that you sell said prize at a yard sale, no less than six months later.
- Please ensure that all pets are both spayed and neutered.
WHEEL OF FORTUNE
- It is recommended that contestants make absolutely sure they are correct before attempting to solve the puzzle. A puzzle in the category "playwright" that reads "W_LL_AM SHA_ESPEA_E", for instance, may hold more possibilities than one would initially guess.
- Please spin the wheel in a clockwise direction. Like most wheels, that's the only way it goes.
- When purchasing a vowel, be sure to thank your clerk and tip the carryout boy as he escorts you to your car.
- It is indeed hilarious when your fellow contestant goes bankrupt or loses a turn, but please, keep laughter and pointing to a minimum.
- Producers ask that you do not remind Pat Sajak of his profession as host of Wheel of Fortune. He hates that.
TO TELL THE TRUTH
- To Tell the Truth is no longer on the air. Please do not attempt to appear on this show.
- Please do not try to be cute and guess "my wife" for the survey question, "Name something loud and obnoxious." Everybody does that, and it's not really that funny.
- As difficult as it may be, make an attempt to laugh at Richard Karn's jokes. Otherwise, he cries. Sometimes on air.
- The last "famous Bob" up there is Bob Dylan. Holy fuck, how do you not know that?!?
- When introducing the rest of your family, try not to refer to all your female relatives as "beautiful." I mean, we can pretty clearly see that they aren't.
- It is strongly advised that families appearing on the show do not actually feud, as it has already been necessary to rebuild the set several times.
- Don't win like, 200 times in a row or something like that one guy did. God, I hate him. Seriously, what a prick. Jesus.
- It is often more important for you to pose your response in the form of a question than that your response be correct. If you respond, "Could someone please pass the rolls?" for instance, you'll still lose $400, but you'll likely receive a lovely croissant.
- The more accent you add to your responses, the better. This applies for responses that aren't even foreign words. For instance, instead of saying, "What is Coca-Cola?" try saying "What is "Co-cahhh Khollya?"
- During Final Jeopardy, try to look as deep in thought as possible, even though it's more than obvious you don't know who the only U.S. President to serve as Supreme Court Chief Justice was. We don't blame you for not knowing, but we do enjoy the charade.
- As much as you clearly want to kick Alex Trebek in the balls, please wait until after the show to do so.