12 Great Video Games With Ridiculous Premises
The Premise: Remember that Italian plumber/garbage man whose primary experience is in the field of Gorilla Rape Victim Rescuer? Well, he somehow earned a medical degree (it's best not to ask where), and he wants to treat your diseases by throwing every conceivable kind of medication at them until they explode.
What Made It Ridiculous: Blue pills kill blue diseases. Red pills kill red diseases. Yellow pills kill yellow diseases. It' all so simple! Why don't those asshole doctors just use a microscope and find out what color AIDS is? Cured. You can send me a check.
Why We Didn't Care: When else do you get the chance to forcibly clog so many pills into your friend' body that they overdose and die? Other than that time Bobby Wilshire forgot to invite me to his sleepover party, never, that' when.
Tetris
The Premise: Quick! Bricks are falling! Make them interconnect so they'll disappear! Don't question it; it' all for the good of Mother Russia!
What Made It Ridiculous: Let' face it: most any game made before 1993 was ridiculous. Try and synopsize the gameplay of the most famous games of all time, and you end up sounding like a muttering homeless guy at a train station.
- A yellow circle devours pills and fruit in order to kill ghosts.
- A mad bomber deposits his deadly payload near combustible bricks, hoping to uncover roller skates, hands, boots, and flames.
- Two dinosaurs blow bubbles around cave monsters.
- A lone earth ship must stop a fleet of alien invaders using only horizontal movement, a single pellet gun, and the ability to hide behind disintegrating pyramids. Luckily, the aliens are retarded and descend towards Earth a single step at a time.
- A sentient marble tries to navigate a treacherous course.
- A jouster mounted on a flying ostrich competes with a rival above a lava-filled pit for golden eggs.
- A family travels to Oregon.
Okay, so some of them made sense, but you get the idea.
Why We Didn't Care: Two words: High Score. Most games have abandoned the idea, but there was a time when the meaningless encouragement of a string of numbers was enough to keep kids lined up around the block, hoping against hope that they would be the lucky one to input the word "ASS" as their initials.
I thought Mario wasn't a carpenter, he was Donkey Kong's abusive animal trainer. Wasn't that in the manual or something?
ReplyHe was also a carpenter or some shit. I don't even remember anymore.
The only thing that disappoints is that no, Smash bros doesn't really include all the guys mentioned, it lacks Megaman, and I guess a Guitar Hero would be rather cool too as a character.
ReplyYou can kiss my ass in regards to Guitar Hero, that game has done more for my playing than anything else. When you realize it's nothing but a permutation program and use it for finger speed and independence in conjunction with actually playing guitar it was and still is a great idea in my opinion.
ReplyTYPO:
ReplyIf reality' going to break down anyway, you might as well humiliate your buddies by schooling them with Jigglypuff.
SHOULD BE:
If reality's going to break down anyway, you might as well humiliate your buddies by schooling them with Jigglypuff.
So?
Every shooter game ever..
ReplyThe premise: You are a gritty, hardened marine with infinite lives and an infinite amount of ammunition and a desire to see everything around you die. Now with more multiplayer than actual gameplay!
Why it's ridiculous: You are a soldier with infinite lives and infinite ammunition who will skip the tutorial and go straight to calling people faggot over the internet.
Why we don't care: You'll never have any friends anyway, and you have to do something until your inevitable heart attack when you welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This is beautiful. Thank you!
Six pages! No wonder I have RSI (chronic wanking couldn't help either).
ReplyEnchidna's aren't fantasy, they're spiny anteaters that live in Australia and are quite real...
ReplyMario was a capenter in Donkey Kong, and Pauline wasn't a princess.
ReplyHey now, Kirby's not ridiculous, it teaches kids a valuable lesson: consume your enemies to absorb their powers.
ReplyAny Sports Game Ever
ReplyThe Premise: Oh, hey, look. A football. And some football players. Or whatever.
What Made it Ridiculous:
A god-damn REAL football/soccerball/basketball costs far less than the copy of this game that you'll end up buying once every year. Just go down to the park, and toss it around with some friends.
Why We Didn't Care:
Who the f**k are you kidding? You don't have any friends. Plus, you're too full of Cheetos and Mountain Dew to chase a ball around. This is about as good as it gets, I guess.
Does this go for the NFL players that play Madden too?
Clearly a master of vidcons.
It's funny how so many of you people actually believe echidnas are real.
ReplyYou do known echidnas are real, right? Look it up on Google or Wikipedia, smartass.
I love how Pokemon never actually die in the game... They just "faint..."
ReplySeriously. Pokemon must have more concussions than a linebacker.
that is why the only words they can say is their own name they have massive brain damage
I know some other people said this and this list is like 4 years old buuuuuut but Echidnas are real. Dammit.
ReplyAlso, wasn't Mario a construction worker in Donkey Kong, where did you get Garbage Man?
Donkey Kong was an ape, not a monkey.
ReplyThe only difference is skeletal structure....jeeeeez.
Jigglypuff was the shit. Don't even try to lie about that.
ReplyI have an issue with the number of pages on this article. It could have easily been 12. Cracked, you've missed an opertunity.
ReplySwaim, first of all, this didn't need to be six pages. It could have easily fit on two or three.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSecond, echidnas are real. They don't look like Knuckles, but they're real.
Oh, and also? Mario was a carpenter in Donkey Kong.
dude i dont wanna be an ass, but are you trying to argue with swaim?
Go wikipedia "Echidna"
That's not a real picture of one or anything.
Echidnas are real...
ReplyAhh... StarFox, my favorite Nintendo game. Each time I play, I deliberately shot down everyone of my teammates. Why? Because they sucked, that's why StarFox was awesome, if they failed me, they die! Too bad you couldn't kill Krystal in StarFox Adventures(even though you never technically "kill" your teammates.) NONETHELESS! She deserves 12-guage buckshot to the face! Dinosaurs, magic, a f*****g stick, and a an annoying blue furry with an extremely large head. Thanks Nintendo.
ReplyHow nutty is the nintendoverse? So nutty that a bunch of people made it a real thing. No, seriously. Checkout There Will Be Brawl.
Reply