Mock Draft: The Top 11 Movie Basketball Players of All Time

#9
Shephard (Above the Rim)

NBA Equivalent: Robert Parish, except not such a cut-up

Upside: Is so dedicated to the game that he's been known to practice without a basketball. When he does get his hands on the leather, he is a force, combining Ben Wallace's defense with Kendall Gill's touch and ridiculous haircut. Appears to have a tremendous work ethic, a good head on his shoulders and a disproportionately awesome soundtrack.

Weaknesses: We're not sure who he's trying to fool, but all of his games were very clearly played on eight-foot rims, so it'd be wise to see how he performs in workouts before any deals are made. Emotionally, it's unclear if he's ever fully recovered from the death of his best friend, who fell off the roof of a high rise while he and Shep were playing one-on-one. Friends say that Shep partially blames himself for the tragic fall, which, when you think about it, is sort of inevitable, since playing basketball on the roof of a high rise is among the stupidest things anyone can do.

#10
Calvin Cambridge (Like Mike)

NBA Equivalent: Kobe Bryant

Upside: NBA GMs are the Humbert Humbert's of the sports world: When it comes to evaluating talent, the younger the better. And this kid certainly has the total package, with the uncanny ability to dunk from half court, a Kobe Bryant like drive to be like Mike and the hunger that comes from growing up in an orphanage run by an evil Crispin Glover (again, like Kobe). Also, as far as NBA entourages are concerned, they don't come much cuter than Jonathan Lipnicki. When I saw Jerry Maguire I wanted to take him home and make him hamburgers, the little rascal.

Weaknesses: Because of the recently imposed age limit, teams are going to have to take a chance on him now and then wait for his 18th birthday. Also, his athletic ability stems from getting electrocuted while touching Michael Jordan's shoes. So every time he gets a new pair of shoes you're going to have to electrocute him, which sounds like it could be hard on such a little guy's heart. So, you know, a bit of an injury risk.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

30 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!