Are you so unhappy with your own lot in life that you can't be glad for those around you? Sure you are! And now that wedding season is officially upon us, you'll need some failsafe methods for ruining the special day of those morons who are always rubbing their goddamned happiness in your face. Well, look no further, emotional cripple-just take a page out of these pros' books.
#6. Slap Your Wife in the Face
Look at all these people--laughing, dancing like mongoloids, enjoying themselves. Who the fuck do they think they are? And, why is your wife going along with all of this? She wants to spin, huh? Well, you'll send her for a fucking spin alright. Oh, and guess who couldn't spin fast enough: Miss Dancie Pants. Time for you-know-what... Okay, now let's get the spinning right this time. What? You don't want to dance anymore? Well, who's being a wet blanket now, crybaby? No, I will not calm down, Roger! Let go of me!
#5. Talk About Your Alcoholic Uncle's Erectile Dysfunction
Nothing takes humorous banter among close friends too far better than bringing up serious medical issues. And if you need to further infuriate the lucky couple, make sure the horribly uncomfortable, morbidly cruel joking has absolutely nothing to do with them.
#4. Who Needs Speeches When You Can Rap?
Some best men respond to their moment of truth by stammering uncontrollably, others use their nervous energy to propel them to great toasts, and still others rap Warren G songs in an insulting "Hey everybody look at me, I'm a white guy talking like a negro" voice. The only way this video could have been any more embarrassing is if the camera had panned over to show that the bride was black, and our rappin' groomsman was just trying to offer an authentic "welcome to the family sista'." Alas, she' just a white girl who looks appropriately ashamed of her new brother-in-law.