The 8 Most Needlessly Detailed Wikipedia Entries

They say "knowledge is power," but "they" seem to forget that most of our knowledge is devoted to subjects that are completely useless and retarded. If you could somehow harness just the brain power that's currently being spent on, say, memorizing fantasy football stats, you could probably cure cancer.

Nowhere is humanity's obsession with the inconsequential more obvious than on Wikipedia, where even the most obscure topics get propped up on enormous blocks of text. Here are the most depressing--and somewhat frightening--examples.

#8. List of Ancient Jedi

This is a comprehensive list of Jedi that, oddly enough, have never actually appeared in a Star Wars movie. Instead, the list includes any and every Jedi who was referenced, even in passing, in every Star Wars book, comic or video game. Right now, if you make up a Jedi and draw a picture of him on a napkin, you can bet your ass he'll end up on this list by tomorrow with a full backstory and list of allergies.

Word Count: 24,801. That's more words than Oedipus Rex (15,636).

Notable Excerpt:
"S'diawae was a famous Jedi Master who lived sometime between the Ruusan Reformation and the Separatist Crisis. During the Crisis, in order to boost patriotism and historical recognition, Biscuit Baron released commemorative holocubes of S'diawae in their QuickSnack and QuickSnackLite bundles." It wasn't written by George Lucas, but, dammit, it' so pointless and crazy, it' close enough.

Why We Can Do Without It:
This is a warning: The more attention that get' paid to inconsequential members of the Star Wars universe, the more likely it is that George Lucas, spotting a possibility to make additional shitloads of money, will make yet another trilogy and, if history is any indication, it will be worse than its predecessor.

What We'd Rather Read:
A court order forbidding anyone from adding to, and thereby further ruining, the Star Wars franchise.

#7. List of 7th Heaven Episodes

Basically, somebody pitched a show about a Protestant minister' family to the WB, and that show ended up dragging on for 11 seasons and garnering a staggering 29,601-word Wikipedia entry. We've never seen the show, so we can't judge, but ... No, you know what? It was probably pretty terrible.

Word Count: 29,601. That's more words than The Old Man and the Sea (26,601).

Notable Excerpt:
"Eric asks Matt to take his friend' daughter to the senior prom, but he is unaware of her tainted style and her being a harlot. Eric gets 'Snappy the Stegosaurus' tickets from his ex-girlfriend for Ruthie. Meanwhile, Simon is uncomfortable after viewing a school film on the 'facts of life' while Ruthie learns the truth about her costume character hero. Also, Mary and Lucy trick their way into a date with boys they do not know, but the joke' on them."

Why We Can Do Without It:
What was that, code? What the hell is this show about? We can't stress this enough, there are 29,601 words in this entry and not one of them gives us the slightest clue as to why even one person felt the need to devote that much thought to it. Sure, it ran for 11 years. But The Simpsons has been on for 19 seasons and its entry is only a fourth as long.

What We'd Rather Read:
We found the episode list for another show that happens to feature the father from 7th Heaven, It' Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Unlike the wordy, full-of-itself recap of 7th Heaven, this series manages to sum itself up in a mere 6,787 words, and, it should be noted, seven of those words are "ass," and three of them are "hooker."

Can you guess how many times 7th Heaven mentions ass? Not nearly as many times as it does "church," we can tell you that.

#6. Tennis Performance Timeline Comparison (Women)

As massive as it is, the author promises more to come. "When completed," the introduction threatens, "this article will present in a tabular form the career tennis Grand Slam and Olympic singles results of every woman who has reached the singles final of at least one ... tournament during her career." It doesn't say when the article will be completed, though, so don't start planning your "Women' Tennis Wikipedia Entry" party just yet.

Word Count: 14,411. That's more words than The Book of Revelation (11,952).

Notable Excerpt:
"Through 1923, the French Championships were open only to French nationals. The World Hard Court Championships (WHCC), actually played on clay in Paris or Brussels, began in 1912 and were open to all nationalities. The results from that tournament are shown here for 1922 and 1923. The Olympics replaced the WHCC in 1924, as the Olympics were held in Paris."

Why We Can Do Without It:
We don't mean to put anyone down, but for god' sake, it' women' tennis. Did somebody honestly think that the way to make women' tennis more exciting was to compile more than a hundred years of performance rankings? We've got 30 e-mails in our junk folder right now promising nude photos of Anna Kournikova and none promising detailed stats on Dorothy Round Little' singles performance from 1929 to 1935.

What We'd Rather Read:
We'd even read this entry, if they'd just stick some pictures of Anna Kournikova on there. And that goes for any Wikipedia entry, on any subject. We say if you ever don't have photos handy, just use Anna as the default image.

Maybe, we'll just do that from now on.

#5. Line of Succession to the British Throne

We're not sure exactly what they do, but being British royalty seems like a pretty important job. Still, when this article set out to give us the line of succession, they didn't fuck around. It lists everyone who is currently in line to claim the throne of the United Kingdom. And when we say everyone, we mean everyone-—the list goes all the way down to 17-year-old Franziska Wassmann, who' just 1,268 people away from becoming the Queen of England.

Word Count: 33,504. That's more words than Death of a Salesman (31,147).

Notable Excerpt:
"Anyone who is Roman Catholic, becomes Roman Catholic, or marries a Roman Catholic is permanently excluded from the succession; this provision removing 'papists' from the succession has never been tested." Well, we're officially accepting bets on which of the people on this list is going to be the first to step up. You didn't hear it from us, but the smart money' on Benjamin "Pretty Boy" Sewell. He' got that Roman Catholic fever, and he' got it bad.

Why We Can Do Without It:
Look, we don't want to ruin Franziska Wassmann's day, but there' no way in hell that all of these people are going to die in time for her to claim the throne, short of an asteroid impact that would hardly leave the kingdom in a condition worth inheriting.

What We'd Rather Read:
A Wikipedia entry on a related subject, namley the John Goodman film King Ralph, is much more interesting, and it' only 2,458 words! While the Line of Succession to the British Throne entry goes into exhaustive detail about every single successor, the King Ralph entry sums up the tricky succession issue by saying that Ralph became King after every member of the royal family was "entirely wiped out in a freak accident." That's how you write an entry, Britain.



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