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7 Great Men in History (And Why You Should Hate Them)

By Daniel O'Brien August 31, 2007 370,815 views
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Some historical claims are irrefutable: Hitler was a dick; Einstein was a brilliant sex maniac. A few other claims, however, are not quite as black and white. In honor of Labor Day, the only federal holiday that doesn't pay homage to a historical event or person, we've uncovered some 100-percent true reasons you should probably hate some of history's greatest heroes.

Historical Figure:
Patrick Henry

What He's Remembered For
Most people know Patrick Henry as the radical revolutionary credited for demanding "Give me liberty or give me death," thereby inspiring all of Virginia to take up arms against British tyranny.

Why You Should Hate Him
 Few people know that when he wasn't giving moving speeches, he was locking his wife in his basement. In Mindblowers, by Jim Rhine, we learn that for the last four years of her life Henry's wife was chained in her basement, possibly in a straitjacket and forbidden to see her children. It isn't unreasonable to conclude that the following conversation may have, at some point, occurred.

Alright, honey, I'm going out for some beer and stronger chains. Anything you need?
Yes. UNCHAIN ME FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING BASE ...
Besides me unchaining you from the basement. Which we've discussed, remember? Remember, hon? How we discussed that?
Patrick, I swear to God, either give me liberty or give me death.
Ha, ha! Well, no, of course. But ... waiiiittt ... that ... did you come up with that? Is that yours? Can I use that?
What? What are you talking about?
Honey, I think you just saved America.
Awesome. Now, unchain me from the basement.
That's just the sort of crazy talk I'd expect from a woman I chained in my basement.

Historical Figure:
Gandhi

What He's Remembered For
 Being a spiritual leader in India who fought for Indian independence without ever resorting to violence. He's primarily known in America as that Macintosh spokesperson who looks sort of like E.T.

Why You Should Hate Him
 Here's a quote from Gandhi: "I do not consider [name omitted] to be as bad as depicted. He is showing an ability that is amazing, and he seems to be gaining his victories without much bloodshed."

Can you guess who's name was omitted? If you guessed Adolf Hitler, you're right and also totally insane for guessing that. You may remember Hitler as the character mentioned in the intro to this piece as an irrefutable dick. Apparently, Gandhi disagreed. We should have known this about Gandhi as soon as he started shaving his head ...

Historical Figure:
Thomas Jefferson

What He's Remembered For
He wrote the Declaration of Independence and served as a governor, a minister to France, a secretary of state and a president of the United States.

Why You Should Hate Him
 Jefferson's torrid affair with his slave, Sally Hemmings, is already fairly well-publicized. You think that's a scandal? Please. President Sex Machine would be lucky if that was the end of that issue. Instead, he fathered and subsequently denied several of Hemmings' children while giving speeches explaining how a white man marrying a black woman would produce "a degradation to which no lover of his country, no lover of excellence in the human character can innocently consent."

Also, Sally Hemmings was most likely the sister of Jefferson's dead wife, essentially his sister-in-law, so there would be a couple of kids running around the White House that Jefferson was both father and Uncle to. He'd really have his hands full. At least, he would have, had he ever actually acknowledged their existence.

Historical Figure:
Woodrow Wilson

What He's Remembered For
He was the 28th American president, a Nobel Prize winner and the only president in history to have a Ph.D.

Why You Should Hate Him
He was a gigantic racist. This is true. When he wasn't creating the Federal Trade Commission or setting up the League of Nations, Ol' Woody was praising the KKK and laughing at the "darky" stories his wife would tell him nightly. He referred to other ethnic groups, including African-Americans as "hyphenated Americans" and, according to John Richard Stephens' Weird History 101, has gone on record to say, "Any man who carries a hyphen with him carries a dagger that he is ready to plunge into the vitals of this Republic whenever he gets ready." The man clearly did not care for the hyphen.

With the rise of al-Qaeda, you could almost make the argument that Wilson was ahead of his time in his hyphen-phobia, a word he was probably terrified of. But, then you remember that he would have thought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was a bigger threat than al-Zawahiri and you realize Wilson was actually retarded.

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175 Comments

Jesus geo12321, are you retarded? That was supposed to be sarcasm.

7/2/2009 2:57:45 PM
Colombus

Seriously w.t.f. why bash on F.D.R. for being in a wheel chair what does that have to do with anything, the incest and adultery i can accept but really attacking a man because he had polio that's just low.

5/27/2009 9:38:14 PM
geo12321

It's worth mentioning that Patrick Henry didn't actually say "Give Me liberty, or give me death." Or, in fact, any of the other quotes attributed to him. They were all made up by overenthusiastic biographers. All of them. In real life, Patrick Henry never did anything awesome. EVER. In fact, he was kind of a loser.

Actually, I probably read this in some other Cracked article, but I'll pretend not to remember that.

3/30/2009 9:59:28 AM
ihateyoukenny

Hahahaha! The Gandhi column got me! I f*****g knew he was crooked some how. I'd imagine ,in fairness, this was a comment before WW2. In which case, to a certain extent, he may have been right.

2/21/2009 10:11:33 PM
Cambell

on the Woodrow Wilson note he also signed in to law the biggest sham ever the federal reserve which is the biggest load of bull s**t ever.

2/17/2009 7:57:28 PM
vomitus

Guys, you forgot Mother Teresa.

2/13/2009 7:39:03 PM
cornflakes

Man, Nikola Tesla. That dude kicked ass. He supposedly made a death ray. Of course, he also claimed he had long talks with a strange, white pigeon that visited his window. Why are all super smart people fucked up in some way?

2/13/2009 1:58:13 PM
Jack_Cortez

Hey guys, your taking this pretty seriously. Cool down. This is a humor site.

2/12/2009 7:38:59 PM
JesusHChrist

Doomboy, that's pretty ignorant. He really should be hated because he takes credit for many great things.

2/9/2009 6:24:47 PM
zarimar

thomas edison was not a dick and shouldn't be hated

2/3/2009 7:51:36 PM
Doomboy911

FDR, even with polio, could kick anyone's ass.

1/26/2009 8:27:12 AM
GIJooTheWarHero

MOAR DETAILZ!

All of this is short and sweet but dammit we need links.

1/13/2009 2:30:27 PM
zarimar

Roosevelt standing up! http://www.medalofhonor.com/FranklinRooseveltAwards2.jpg

1/12/2009 7:39:26 PM
eguez

A reason to hate FDR would NOT be the fact he's in a wheelchair, but the fact that his economic policies during the Great Depression made it worse and longer.

12/21/2008 4:01:23 PM
atstepek

Hey, F.D.R. had f*****g Polio. f**k you guys! So he didn't wanna show weakness. Men always wanna say "No, I have no problem GETTING IT UP." Well, what self-respecting man would want to say that?
F.D.R. (though, yes, being kinda creepy with the cousin) was a good president. Okay guy, too.
What about Albert Einstein? THAT guy was a dick.

12/13/2008 4:14:29 PM
DarkRubberDucky

http://bux.to/?r=Requin join and earn for presents

11/26/2008 12:01:22 PM
bux-to

Patrick Henry's wife Sarah Shelton Henry developed Puerperal Psychosis (also known as Postpartum Psychosis, not to be confused with Postpartum Depression) following the birth of her last child, Edward, in 1771. Today the condition is treatable using anti-psychotic medication, but those clearly didn't exist in the 18th century. There was an insane asylum that was built in Williamsburg around that time, but conditions in mental health facilities during that period were worse than those for cattle (crazy people aren't as tasty). Therefore Patrick Henry refused to have his wife committed there, and instead chose to have her confined to a large cellar room where she was made as comfortable as possible, living the remainder of her life in the care of people who loved her.

So ThunderTrout was correct, and Tartra - to give you an example of why it's a good idea to confine someone who suffers from this condition and isn't treated: Andrea Yates, who drowned her 5 children in a bathtub in 2001, suffered from Postpartum Psychosis.

11/22/2008 9:37:07 PM
NapoleonComplex

Wikipedia makes no mention of the wife in the basement…so without detailed facts my over active imagination likes to picture Patrick Henry dropping down a basket of lotion to his wife while tucking 'it' under.

11/22/2008 12:51:45 PM
listerofsmeg

Actually when Woodrow Wilson used the term "Hyphenated Americans" Black people were the one group he wasn't talking about. The term African-American only goes back to the 70's. Wilson was a racist nth degree, but the "hyphenated Americans" comment actually shows his bigotry to other white ethnic groups, i.e. Irish-American, German-American, etc.

11/22/2008 1:42:28 AM
worlock93

I love how people come on cracked and tell them how unfunny they are...um why they hell do you keep coming back then?? And get of FDR's nuts, you guys are stupid as hell if you think Cracked is telling you to hate someone for being in a wheelchair. Ok I'm done love the article!

11/13/2008 11:48:35 PM
Kills4Dethklok

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