Automobile Facts, By Kevin D.
(Age 7)

Automobiles can go fast, up to around 80 miles per hour or more I think.

Automobiles are bigger than humans but smaller than dinosaurs and trains. Automobiles are the same size as the biggest bear ever found (Lake Tahoe, Autumn, 1935).

Automobiles can be most any color-expect invisible and orange.

My uncle skipped town in a fast automobile after discovering my aunt's baby was never going to wake up.

I have a book with pictures of automobiles in it. I received it from a gentleman at the automat who bought me milkshakes and a feather boa and told me to keep saying, "We don't serve allied soldiers in this 1940's German beer haus."

There's a murderer who lives by my school. He's Puerto Rican even though up close he looks darker. He's excellent at lawn darts. He does not own an automobile.

Some automobiles have a manual gearshift, which means women can't use them unless they're really anxious to get somewhere. Or WWII's happening, which means women can do almost anything.

I hate automobiles that have stopped working. "Throw it away and buy a new one," is what I tell people who have an automobile that's stopped working.

Black people have started to make their automobiles extra loud. They also invented jazz music and Kareem Olajuwon.

Once, I saw an automobile with only two doors! It must've been owned by a poor person, like Mr. Tayton, my balding Social Studies teacher.

Mr. Tayton gave me a C++ on my democracy report. When I asked him what the second plus was for, he said it was for not telling the principal about the long walks we take by the creek.

If I had a hundred dollars, I'd buy three automobiles, one for each of Daddy's maids that are always making breakfast for me. I like the short white one the best because some disease makes it so she can't talk. Daddy and the maids fight over who bought the last carton of cigarettes.

I had a pet kitten once but it died because the Puerto Rican murderer murdered it. It was his first and only victim. I should have named the kitten Automobile, but I didn't.

Kareem Olajuwon owned ten automobiles. Three of them were sports automobiles and one was a Cadillac. My book about automobiles doesn't say anything about the other six of Kareem Olajuwon's automobiles.

I've never been inside an automobile because the scientists who design them have yet to make an automobile that'll fit an iron lung.

If I were an automobile, I'd never get picked last for wiffle ball or have to sing old Irish folk songs to Mr. Tayton while he polishes his Ford Mustang with wallet-sized photos of his wife and kids. (Ford Mustang is what he calls his penis.)