The Best (Worst) Fantasy & Science Fiction Book Covers
If you've been in any bookstore in your lifetime, you're probably familiar with that most peculiar of book retail locales: the Fantasy & Science Fiction section. This strange and sweaty place is kept separate from the rest of the bookstore so that its residents, the soap-averse fans of Fantasy & Science Fiction novels, can go about their plots and dark rituals without disturbing any of the normal-smelling clientele.
But there' another very good reason for keeping Fantasy & Science Fiction books segregated. They look really weird. The absolute worst part about every fantasy novel, apart from the writing, is the ludicrous cover art they all seem to have. It' so bad, that ironically enough in this modern age, it' still very bad.
And so, after a great deal of very stinky research, I present to you the absolute worst Fantasy & Science Fiction book covers.
Like most guys, I've got posters of heavily muscled men on the walls of my room, and can say that I honestly have no problem staring at the male form for hours on end. But here things may have gotten a bit out of hand. These guys look like they're made out of balls of twine.
Pictured on the cover is our hero, The Golden Queen, accompanied by both his hairstylist, and a bear, boldly striding out of this novel and into a better one.
Zeor: "No! Come back! You haven't seen any of my good pentagrams yet!"
Ninja versus a man-snake with four arms. For some reason, the ninja is positioned to attack someone just off the cover. Who could it be? A man-snake with four legs? It is a mystery.
Author, Jack L Chalker: "Hey Bernie, what'
the biggest number there is?"
Editor, Bernie Ciscain: "Ninety trillion. Why do you
ask?"
Jack L Chalker:
"Skull-Face Omnibus" N'uff said.
ReplyThere aren't that many people who know David Bowie's true form.
ReplyThe 2nd dog on the left for Prince of Dogs is the scariest thing I've ever seen. If you stare at the image close enough, you'll see hellflame and an homage to Cujo. DAMN!
ReplyIf you look at the 2nd dog on the left for Prince of Dogs, you will cry to yourself in sheer horror. Who the hell drew Cujo! Secondly, What kind of fantastic world is this, where snowmobiles are towed along by tiny polar bears? Oh, what adventures they must have in this ridiculous f*****g land!
Reply^ that is gold!
I don't know if you've noticed, but the guy in Daggers of Darkness riding the two tigers seems to have a tiger face for a crotch.
Reply"Like 3D letters? Is that terrifying?"
ReplyI'm a graphic designer. YES. 3D letters are terrifying.
'I question the advertising value of proclaiming on a novels cover which actors were featured in the dramatization of that novel. Still, Barry Morse! Yes, the Barry Morse!'
ReplyAre you seriously so young that you don't remember the (awful) Space 1999 TV show from the '70's? The book is a novelization of a s****y TV show, not a s****y book made into a s****y TV show/movie. Christ, if you're going to lampoon something, at least know what you're lampooning.
Christ, if you're going to complain about something, at least know that the article was written in 2007 and the author could probably care less.
Wow you can really tell who the illiterates are in your columns if they don't know who Michael Moorcock is. But then again Von Beck, Elric, The Eternal champion, all seem to be too big a words for this crowd.
ReplyWow you can really tell who the illiterates are in your columns if they don't know who Michael Moorcock is. But then again Von Beck, Elric, The Eternal champion, all seem to be too big a words for this crowd.
Reply"Princess Shalalain escapes from a cabal of deadly assassins atop David Bowie."
ReplyI completely lost it there.
...Did he make no mention of the name Moorcock?
ReplyPrince Arthus was a pegasus, not a unicorn.
ReplyThe horse was the prince? Jesus Christ.
"I would bet ninety trillion dollars there' a scene where the heroine comes across an unloved horse, and seeing the potential within him, takes him and wins the gold medal at the county fair horse championship"
Reply-Haha, You lost! The story is about a girl who can talk (and posses) animals but doing so causes her to lose her mind and act like one. Not to mention, whenever her blood made contact with another animal, that animal will lose their innocence and starts to have the problem solving abilities of a HomoSapien.
.
"More pony-porn. In this one the heroine has to pretend to be a boy. She eventually proves to the world that girls can do anything just as well as boys can by revealing her gender at the dramatic conclusion, after winning the county fair horse championship."
-Wrong again, your right about her pretending to be a man but her goal is to replace her brother in the war.
.
I have nothing against you but if I were you, I will not just jump into sudden conclusions if it is more of being misleading than being funny.
Tamora Pierce is a good author and I really recommend her works for people who likes PG Fantasy genre
It's still pony porn.
any book written by a guy named "Moorcock" is bound to be..... interesting
ReplySomeone else has probably already remarked on this, but doesn't it seem obvious that Golden Dragon Fantasy Gamebooks #4: The Eye of the Dragon and The Way of the Tiger #6: Inferno! simply have their respective covers switched around.
ReplyTamora Pierce left the Pony-Porn market and just skipped straight to the porn market with the Becka Cooper series. That series is borderline obscene it's like reading a feministic Gor novel (and it is awesome)
ReplyIs that why I haven't read it yet? I have read every single thing T.Pierce has written, save for that series. Every time I even look at it, it's like something is telling me, "This is not the pony-porn you're looking for."
You did NOT dis on Frank Frazetta did you? It's an established fact that every sketch & doodle done by Frazetta is certified 100% awesome, including the dude in the polar-bear sled. His own son even tried to steal Frank's collected paintings by tearing a wall off with a bulldozer.
ReplyI feel like the ultimate goal of my next D&D campaign should be winning the horse championship at the county fair. Or I guess the Prime Material fair if it needs to be more epic.
ReplySo tell me, why is there a picture of Jonathan Frakes next to the man in a skin tight suit. For that matter, why does this article have his photograph as the main picture?
Replybecause Jonathan Frakes is the sexiest man alive
*Early 90s Frakes. Now he's starting to turn into a balloon. Hell, Wil Wheaton now looks like Frakes more than Jon does
I think the Keith Laumer one was also used for a Doc Savage novel, I could be wrong.
ReplyMy art history teacher would have hit me but I kind of like the polar bear one.