The Best (Worst) Fantasy & Science Fiction Book Covers
If you've been in any bookstore in your lifetime, you're probably familiar with that most peculiar of book retail locales: the Fantasy & Science Fiction section. This strange and sweaty place is kept separate from the rest of the bookstore so that its residents, the soap-averse fans of Fantasy & Science Fiction novels, can go about their plots and dark rituals without disturbing any of the normal-smelling clientele.
But there' another very good reason for keeping Fantasy & Science Fiction books segregated. They look really weird. The absolute worst part about every fantasy novel, apart from the writing, is the ludicrous cover art they all seem to have. It' so bad, that ironically enough in this modern age, it' still very bad.
And so, after a great deal of very stinky research, I present to you the absolute worst Fantasy & Science Fiction book covers.
Like most guys, I've got posters of heavily muscled men on the walls of my room, and can say that I honestly have no problem staring at the male form for hours on end. But here things may have gotten a bit out of hand. These guys look like they're made out of balls of twine.
Pictured on the cover is our hero, The Golden Queen, accompanied by both his hairstylist, and a bear, boldly striding out of this novel and into a better one.
Zeor: "No! Come back! You haven't seen any of my good pentagrams yet!"
Ninja versus a man-snake with four arms. For some reason, the ninja is positioned to attack someone just off the cover. Who could it be? A man-snake with four legs? It is a mystery.
Author, Jack L Chalker: "Hey Bernie, what'
the biggest number there is?"
Editor, Bernie Ciscain: "Ninety trillion. Why do you
ask?"
Jack L Chalker:
whoa, hey, stepping on my pony-porn filled childhood with that Tamora Pierce hating. Not cool man, not cool.
ReplyIsn't this more about the titles of the books instead of the covers?
ReplyHow the hell did you resist commenting on the most glaringly awesome thing in this entire article??
ReplySKULL-FACE OMNIBUS: VOLUME 2
Volume TWO!!!
the soap-averse fans of Fantasy & Science Fiction novels, can go about their plots and dark rituals without disturbing any of the normal-smelling clientele.
ReplyWhat an a*****e
Someone doesn't understand humor, apparently. I'm a lifelong SF reader, (who, remarkably enough, showers regularly), and love making fun of hack writers and talentless cover artists as much as the next person.
I like how "someone doesn't understand humor!" is maybe the only reply I ever see when someone is complaining about a cracked article. Granted, there have been and will ever be people on this site who have NO IDEA what is going on (here or elsewhere) but I don't know, I tend to give cracked readers the benefit of the doubt in that they probably know that they're on a humor site. Which, in retrospect, is probably a mistake.
Anyway, the thing is that this article doesn't really do either of those things you just professed your undying love for. I too, despite my inexplicable jaunts into the cracked comment section, enjoy humor. And sure, this article does come off as a little mean-spirited, but that's part and parcel of writing for an internet comedy site - a bit of clever snark in your head becomes "holy s**t this guy is such an asshole" to someone who doesn't read it with the intended inflection and who doesn't know what a nice guy and huge nerd the author really is. Or maybe Chris Bucholz is really a total a*****e, I don't know.
The point is, this is not so much an article as a collection of things that are sort of funny, and sort of sad. The cover of the book with the robot fighting the dinosaur, however, is completely awesome. Go back and read "completely awesome" as if it were in italics, because that's how awesome it is.
And another thing...
So The Eye of the Dragon has giant flaming tigers and The Way of the Tiger has a giant saliva lizard? Ha.
ReplyHey, what's wrong with fantasy and science fiction? I mean, cut those and all you have is romance, paranormal romance, something else about romance, historical fiction, mysteries and romance. oh and horror, horror is good.
Replylol. michael "moorcock"
ReplyThe 90 Trillion Fausts had me crying from the laughter.
ReplyBitty polar bears are silly but that is not bad art. It almost looks like Frank Frazetta's work.
Replyit is frank frazetta's.
I don't understand why the tamora pierce books are on here, and some of the others, but I havent read them so I can't vouch. It's only bad cover art if it doesn't make sense, and in both of those books the horses feature prominently and the art style is decent. There's nothing ridiculous about it. Especially the one with the girl riding with a bunch of ponies and the hawk. That's pretty much half of the book. She hangs out with ponies and other animals.
ReplyToo good to take the obvious joke? The author's last name is Moorcock and you go with polar bears pulling snow mobiles?
ReplySeriously
child of flame-- ha!! Before I even looked at the caption, I though, "My god, that looks like David Bowie..."
Replychild of flame-- ha!! Before I even looked at the caption, I though, "My god, that looks like David Bowie..."
ReplyI have new respect for you for not making fun of the name "moorcock"
ReplyHa- I'm reading Moorcock right now, actually. "The Sailor on the Seas of Fate". The utter lack of female characters is impressive.
Oh, there are plenty of females in the Elric books, Fox. What about that one girl he's always mooning over? You know, the one he loved so much and somehow ended up killing her right off the bat? ...Well she WAS in the first book. Parts of it, anyways. A few paragraphs. I guess that's as much as you get.
I liked how immediately after the Eye of the Dragon book is a a book with the words "The Way of the Tiger" with a... dragon(?) on it. It's like the cover text got swapped.
ReplyYeah, right? The Eye of the Dragon has a tiger on the cover, and The Way of The Tiger has a dragon on the cover!
I'm curious as to why there's a picture of the guy from Star Trek in the third page?
ReplyBecause he's, uh, "the pinnacle of human beauty". We're all a little worried about Chris.
The only thing I can recall reading from this list is the Raven series, although mine had different cover art (by Luis Royo, who is far, far superior to Chris Achillios IMO).
ReplyMy submission for terrible fantasy book cover has to be Robh Ruppel's cover for the Forgotten Realms novel "Starless Night." Google it, bearing in mind that in the series, the character on the left is a young, lean, nimble, ebon-skinned drow elf who wields twin scimitars like a walking Cuisinart.
Wow... I read (played?) Robot Commando 20 years ago. Forgot all about it til reading this. I didn't mind the art, but I was in fifth grade.
ReplyWhat is funny about "The Retief of the CDT" is that the words means nothing. We recognize "retief" as a noun and "of the CDT" because we know the structure of a sentence, but we have no idea what either is. It just as easily could have been titled "The Mujagiki of the Holderazersaks" OK... that isn't as easy, but you get my point... I hope.
ReplyUnless you know the others of the series, and that Retief is a two-fisted diplomat, and CDT is Concordant Diplomatic Corps.
The Cloud Castles cover has a pegasus, not a unicorn. Note the lack of horn. Just saying
ReplyTechnically, it's a winged horse. Pegasus was one particular winged horse.
Leave it to "perzephone" to know her Greek mythology. How's Hades doing?