4 Inexplicable Things People Are Infusing With Marijuana
Currently, pot is legal in only two states, but that isn't stopping companies from cramming marijuana into every possible product like the skateboarding older cousin of bacon and ginseng. We've already told you how people are trying to make pot ridiculously fancy, but don't worry -- even if you don't have thousands of dollars to blow on a diamond-studded bong, there will be plenty of affordable weed-infused products for you to enjoy at home, presumably while also smoking weed.
Weed Sex Lube May or May Not Be Good for the Vagina
If you're a woman and you find your lady-bits clamping shut at inappropriate times, Foria Pleasure has a product that promises to open you up like a cannabis flower, or at least make your genitals smell like the inside of a record store.
"Side effects include possibly being forever trapped in the Dove Body Lotion Ad universe."
The company's soon-to-be-released "pre-lube" is brewed with real marijuana, which they claim will relax your vaginal muscles and make it easier to have an orgasm. However, according to actual medical doctors, Flora Pleasure's magical vagina ChapStick is basically untested in humans and has been known to severely affect animals with such charming side effects as "cessation of menstruation." Plus, the lube doesn't get you or your vagina high. So, like, what the hell is the point?
Other than that.
Marijuana Sizzurp Makes Drinking Medicine Fun
Sizzurp, for all you squares out there, is a combination of codeine-based cough syrup, Sprite, and Jolly Ranchers that can give you seizures and put you in the hospital. Because when you're chasing a terrible high, it might as well taste like absolute demon shit.
"I like stuff that tastes like I do."
In the wake of the recent legalization, a starry-eyed marijuan-trepreneur decided to combine weed with the thick, antiseptic taste of cough syrup and sell it to people who have lost all fucking hope. "Grape Syzurp With Cannabidnoids" by Actabliss promises up to a 10-hour high for $45. The demand has been so great that Actabliss plans to sell a THC-free version in states where marijuana is still illegal, so if you have ever wanted to drink a ridiculously expensive bottle of cough syrup with no drugs in it, be on the lookout for that.
"Bucket List #234: DONE!"
Pot-Infused Pizza Is Like the Sisyphus Myth for Munchies
In what is possibly the greatest marketing ploy in history, Mega iLL pizzeria in Vancouver, British Columbia, will drizzle marijuana oil on your pizza if you pay them $10 extra and show them your prescription card.
"Fuck it. Just keep my credit card."
The effects take about half an hour to kick in, at which point you will immediately want more pizza, which you will eat and become high again, wanting even more pizza. Truly, the owner of Mega iLL is the greatest genius of our time. While changes to the city's marijuana laws might force them to take the stinky pizza off the menu, the owner has assured all of his customers that they are welcome to come smoke weed in his stereotypical stoner food dispensary any time (see "contemporary genius," above).
"I'm also opening a massage parlor where for an extra $50 they'll drizzle marijuana oil anywhere."
Marijuana Coffee Will Just Ruin Your Day
A company in Washington will soon be debuting a cannabis-infused iced coffee called Legal, because nothing could make coffee more delicious than the addition of boiled weeds.
"Eh, it's still better than Starbucks."
The company describes their product thusly: "Drinking this coffee is like riding a cool avalanche of pure deliciousness down a tall mountain and landing in an ocean of good feelings. You'll swim off into a day of work or play filled to the brim with pure joy." We assume that sentence actually begins to make sense once you start drinking their coffee.
"Nope, still stupid. Maybe if I make it an espresso ..."
The company recommends that Legal be used as a morning pick-me-up, as in you drink it and then head off to work. The thing is, Legal is apparently as strong as an IPA or a glass of wine. We're not here to cast judgment, but unless you're a pirate or a musician, rolling out of bed and immediately drinking a mind-altering substance is generally understood to be a bad idea. Bailey's doesn't recommend you start your day with an Irish coffee, because that's terrible advice. Most people who tell you about the job they went to high all the time are talking about that job in the past tense.