6 Hilariously Mundane Ways Prisoners Are Using Social Media
Facebook is basically a really depressing life resume -- a collection of every minute victory, ranging from your last warm meal to that one time you saw the tower where they filmed Die Hard. No story is too small to catalog in the vast annals of your short and harsh life as you quest for digital immortality, or at the very least attempt to bone that girl you worked with three years ago.
Because of its highlight-reel-like nature, the social network also happens to be pretty much the same ego-churning factory for everyone. It doesn't matter if they're on the top or bottom rung. How do we know this? Because thanks to the Tennessee penal system, the bottom rung apparently has that kind of access.
If you're wondering, that's a Facebook exchange between two individuals by the names of A SquinchLou Smith and Lamont Highly Anticipated, a pair of incarcerated prisoners from separate facilities exchanging a phone number. Right away this tells us two very important things: 1) Tennessee is fucking crazy, and 2) even murderous criminals have the same boring-ass Facebook chats as everyone else.
In fact, as the case-cracking local news team WSMV Nashville has revealed, the prisoners -- some of whom are cold-blooded killers -- are not only using Facebook, but using Facebook the exact same way as the rest of the world: for bullshit.
Sweet, chocolaty bullshit.
That's right -- with this access to the outside, 70 inmates from 14 different prisons used their accounts mostly to post food pictures and brag about how awesome their lives are. In fact, with all the selfie pics and guitar playing, it's basically the same as your average college dorm room posts.
Only with cleaner living conditions, of course.
For real -- it's college life, down to the idiot drug use and "I'm so drunk" half-passed-out pictures, proving that humans are inherently talented in acquiring drugs while equally unskilled at keeping their fucking yaps shut about it.
It's hard to imagine how these guys got caught in the first place.
But it's more than just dorm life; it's life on social media in general. Almost like a small-scale experiment, we see how, no matter what the commodity is, we're happy to have it and want people to see that. The prisoners show off their rooms like they're on HGTV, insisting that they are living the good life behind bars.
It's almost endearing to know that, even when we're at our lowest possible point, we still have the strength to pose shirtless muscle shots or brag online about how much money we have, even if that's only 200 crumpled dollars.
Of course, in this case the "we" includes people who know how to kill a person using part of a bed, but you get the sentiment. You give a lunatic a cellphone camera and some Wi-Fi and he turns into the same boring Facebook user as the rest of us -- only with a lot more swastika tattoos and arguably better health care.
At the end of the day, it really goes to show that no matter what your life situation -- no matter if you're doing hard time or living the good life in Malibu -- no one is ever going to want to watch your shitty freestyling video.
Suddenly, being sodomized in the shower doesn't seem so bad.
We'd feel bad for making fun, but it's totally not like they could read this, right?