5 Popular Petitions for Goals That Are Literally Impossible
Sometimes, liking a status on Facebook just isn't enough. There comes a time in life when you have to get off your ass and show the world you're really serious about a cause by taking decisive action, a phrase here meaning "signing an online petition." However, when making your voice heard by anonymously signing an Internet petition, it's good to make sure your goal has a minimum shot of actually happening, unlike the following inexplicably popular petitions that have exactly zero chance of being ratified:
"Bring Back a Walking Dead Character Who Was Shot in the Head" (61,500 Signatures)
Wanting a character to come back to a TV or comic book series is hardly uncommon; let he who didn't write to ABC demanding the return of Cousin Cody to Step by Step cast the first stone. So, after a popular character was written off of a particular AMC show, it's not surprising that more than 61,500 people signed a petition letting the producers know they want her face back on their TVs. There's just one tiny problem: the show in question is The Walking Dead, which tends to say goodbye to characters in rather ... definitive ways. Spoilers ahead!
Our petition to bring back the guy who got tied to the tree in Season 1 is currently at as many signatures.
In this case, the character is Beth, who gets shot in the fucking head on-screen, ruling out even the possibility of re-introducing her as a zombie ... unfortunately, since that would really add some spice to any future romance subplots. Sorry, 61,000 Beth-maniacs, but there just isn't a way to bring her back without rightfully pissing off the 17 million non-crazy people who also watch this show. Unless, of course, they adapt the storyline from the comics with the sexy necromancing voodoo priestess who mentally controls a giant lizard and tries to kill Spider-Man.*
*That might have been a Spider-Man comic.
If your favorite superhero dies, don't start a petition. Just wait an issue.
"Make a Romantic Film With Elsa From Frozen and Jack Frost From Rise of the Guardians" (10,000 Signatures)
Most people understand that when two characters are owned by different movie studios, the chances of them meeting and falling in love outside of fan fiction are practically nonexistent. Frozen fans, however, will not be denied -- there's a growing grassroots movement devoted to hooking up Frozen's protagonist, Elsa, with Jack Frost from Rise of the Guardians (another animated film that people totally watched and gave a shit about), as evidenced by the fact that over 10,000 hopeless romantics have signed the petition to bring them together.
Don't believe this is a thing that so many human beings feel passionately about? Well, a quick trip to Google Images (with the filters turned on, just in case) will confirm it:
Give it up. Give it uuuuup.
Based on the petition's description, their reasons for this pairing are basically that 1) both characters have ice powers, which would give them "someone to relate too" (sic), and 2) come on, Disney, did you not see Point 1? Of course, this ignores the obvious resentment Jack would feel toward his new romantic partner because his film made merely $300 million at the box office while hers did $1.2 billion. We all know that Elsa really belongs with Snow Miser, anyhow.
Shrinkage never bothers her either.
"Prevent the (Hoax) Release of Selena's Murderer" (7,300 Signatures)
Last December, fans of '90s Tejano music and Jennifer Lopez's early filmography were shocked when it was announced that Yolanda Saldivar, the woman who killed singer Selena back in 1995, is slated to receive an early release from prison due to health issues. Or at least that's the case according to those rascals at the National Report, a joke-less "satire" site that also reports on such stories as Ted Cruz combating global warming with a giant refrigerator and 17 kindergartners in Texas getting infected with Ebola (Voltaire would be proud). Not even the obvious fakeness of the source, however, could stop over 7,300 outraged fans from signing a petition to prevent Saldivar's release.
At least 2,000 were probably Bieber fans who just saw "Selena" and "death"
and immediately rage-signed.
If the National Report's palpable shittiness wasn't enough to tip people off, then perhaps the fact that the petition was started by someone whose profile picture has a stock-photo watermark slapped across her face should have been.
Yep, this is 100 percent legitimate.
"Fire Anita Sarkeesian From a Game She Has Nothing to Do With" (50,000 Signatures)
Anita Sarkeesian, the face of the well-known Tropes vs. Women webseries, is one of the most hated women on the Internet right now for having the audacity to talk about the cultural impact of video games without having a penis. So when word got out in late 2014 that she was assisting in the development of the game Mirror's Edge 2, something clearly had to be done before all of gaming collapsed into a hellish FarmVille abyss, or whatever's supposed to happen when the feminists take over. Here's an excerpt from the petition to prevent Sarkeesian from contributing to Mirror's Edge 2 that amassed over 50,000 signatures:
"Where does this random asshole get off, telling the game industry what to do?!" -a random asshole, etc., etc.
Unlike the other petitions thus far, this one actually got a response. So what did EA think of so many people calling for the removal of a member of their development team?
"We are making her an unlockable player in NBA 2K15, though."
Oh. It seems that 50,000 people frothed themselves into such a blinding rage that they couldn't be bothered to fact-check the source of their ire; Sarkeesian was never involved in the development of the game. The only sources we can find that mention her as being involved with game are a 2012 blog post at Destructoid and a 2013 post from a blatant satirical website (those really are a bitch, aren't they?), followed by dozens of enraged forum threads and YouTube videos treating this as fact. Thankfully, this is the last time gamers on the Internet ever campaigned for something stupid.
"Ban the Bible From a Store That Doesn't Sell It ... Because Video Games" (62,000 Signatures)
Haha, just kidding.
Last month, Target pulled Grand Theft Auto V from their stores in Australia, in response to another petition from folks upset about the whole "giving points for playing like a serial rapist" thing. While most of the world was stunned at the fact that an online petition actually worked, many gamers were infuriated at this clear assault on their free speech and decided to respond in kind: 62,000 of them joined forces to ask Target Australia to ban the Bible from their store shelves, on account of sexual violence and violence toward women. Once again, the only thing getting in the way of this genius plan was reality:
The community manager was promptly fired for not saying g'day.
Showing off the exquisite research skills that angry Internet mobs are known for, none of the petition's thousands and thousands of signatories checked to make sure Target Australia actually stocks the Bible (it doesn't). Honestly, with the way Australia treats video games (they've banned everything from Duke Nukem 3D to Sexy Poker for Wii), the fact that GTA V made it there at all is a minor victory. Of course, it's kind of hard to understand this when you live in a country where you can jump into a Call of Duty match and get yelled at by racist 12-year-olds any time you want.