4 Ways Virtual Sex Will Be More Embarrassing Than Real Sex
Virtual sex company ThriXXX recently announced their new VRSexKit, which will include an array of products to provide the best virtual sex experience created. This isn't too tall of an order, considering that the bar was set in 1992 by The Lawnmower Man, a Stephen King movie absolutely nobody watches anymore.
Anyway, the trailer for the VRSexKit sells the whole shebang as a paradise of masturbation, but -- when you look into the details -- it begins to look more like a prototype Terminator that was sent back in time to manipulate the human race into dying of humiliation. Here are four terrible, likely results of this high-tech onanism rig.
One of the products included in the VRSexKit is a VStroker Fleshlight, which is essentially a hollow rubber tube for men to insert their kaiser rolls. The Fleshlight can be connected to the computer through USB -- this allows the Fleshlight to record each and every stroke, thereby creating a pedometer not for walking, but for "moving your hand as if you're shaking a bottle of Yoo-Hoo."
Of course, this will inevitably lead to an online masturbation leaderboard.
A beaterboard, one could say.
We all know that men are like apes when it comes to competition, and some intrepid souls are already having masturbation contests. The alleged world record holder for wanking lasted 10 hours, which is way longer than anyone should be expected to do a single activity, let alone a single activity requiring one's penis.
And those chafed bastards were competing in public. Can you imagine how much more willing guys will be when they can compete in the privacy of their garages/cubicles/three-person dorm rooms, with a device that can officially tally the data for them? It'll be a massacre -- the birth rate will probably drop 20 percent in the first two weeks.
People Can Walk in on You and You Will Never Know It
The VRSexKit also includes the Oculus Rift, those virtual reality goggles the Internet has been buzzing about since its extremely successful Kickstarter campaign last August. And in a promo video, ThriXXX shows a person using the Oculus Rift goggles and a Microsoft Kinect to "virtually touch" a boob:
"Awww yeah, babe. Cup my ones and zeroes."
Later, you can actually see the guy controlling the action by waving his hand:
You may remember one viral Oculus Rift demo video, wherein a user experiences a "virtual decapitation" via guillotine. He's so totally immersed that bystanders keep sneaking up and scaring the hell out of him, as the goggles have robbed him of situational awareness. This isn't the situation you want to be in when your pants are around your ankles and you're cramming your wang into an electronic toilet paper roll, all the while waving your hands in the air like you're trying to flag down an invisible taxi cab.
Most people have been caught masturbating, but there's a stark difference between sheepishly covering yourself up with a towel and being completely oblivious to the fact that your spouse or mother has just walked into the room to find you wearing a Daft Punk helmet and strangling your elephant nose like it's a federal informant.
You Might End Up Having Sex With a Treadmill
Here's the full VRSexKit lineup:
Also known as "the Father's Day bundle."
Those are quite a few products, but something's missing -- this isn't total virtual reality yet. We need a way to physically "do it," some device that can actually support your amorous thrusting.
Well, it turns out we have that, too. It's called the Omni, and it looks like this:
Oh yeah. The cats are gonna love that.
It's basically a treadmill with a doughnut around it to keep you from crushing your goggles between the floor and your face. It's currently being phenomenally funded on Kickstarter as a tool to allow you to run around and shoot things in video game worlds. But what's stopping ThriXXX from developing their own version for your adventurous sex? This is the next logical step in their line of products, at which point we will have evolved into a species that wears giant goggles while trying to impregnate exercise equipment.
You'll DEFINITELY End Up Having Sex With Video Game Characters
ThriXXX's noble founder, Brad Abram, suggested that young people need to have a way to explore their crazy sexual fantasies in a manner that keeps them safe from STDs. This is a completely reasonable thing to say, but his proposed solution seems to be to allow them to upload their World of Warcraft characters into the VRSexKit and start banging them, which is maybe the most baffling connection of ideas in the history of thought.
Abram actually asked, "How many times have you heard about people in WoW having sex with their dwarfs?" which is a predicament we've heard zero times in our entire lives.
"Finally!" -no one
What Abram so breezily ignores is that there are way crazier beings in World of Warcraft that people could start banging with their VRSexKit headsets and stroke-checking USB boner telescopes. WoW has everything from minotaurs to zombies to werewolves, just ripe for deflowering.
Fantasy: Where magical races are just humans with different skin color.
Abram's idea isn't specifically limited to WoW, either. In another popular online game called Tera, the half-human Elin race looks like a bunch of little girls in Halloween costumes:
And then, of course, it would only be a matter of time before someone released a My Little Pony app for the VRSexKit, at which point the Earth would simply need to be destroyed, because there is no way we could ever recover from that as a species.