4 More News Stories Straight Out of 'The X-Files'

4

A Human Skull Is Found in San Francisco ... On a Paper Plate

Imagine you're hiking in the park and the sun is shining and the birds are singing and something catches your eye and SWEET CORN ON THE COB, ARE THOSE FUCKING BONES?

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"As long as it's not a masturbating hobo, I'll call today a win."

Half of you would have done a hard blink and kept walking, but the other half wouldn't have taken another breath without finding out what that bone-like bony bone was -- which was exactly what an anonymous patron of Tilden Regional Park did.

The bone, as you may have deduced from the entry title, was a human skull. That fact alone is enough to give anyone the heebie-jeebies. But this skull had more to offer: It was carefully placed on a paper plate and surrounded by beads.

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Picture this, but a little more tasteful.

Police remain stumped as to the origins of the skull or what it could signify, apart from it possibly being an occult ritual to summon the Dread Lord of Picnics.

3

NYC Parks Are Filthy ... With Goat Heads

At least that human skull surrounded by beads happens to be a one-off gesture. New Yorkers, on the other hand, are getting this creepy shit all the time, and in the form of decapitated goats. WARNING: The links definitely have severed animal heads laying willy-nilly on the ground.

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Here's your complimentary kitten palate cleanser. You're welcome.

Several severed goat heads (complete with numbered ear tags) and headless goat bodies have been found littered about Brooklyn's Prospect Park lately. According to an expert on animal sacrifices, these heads probably weren't the result of a sacrifice, since the goats were A) eviscerated disrespectfully and B) not butchered for human consumption. Police are baffled as to the whereabouts or identity of the serial goat killer, or any motive that he or she would have.

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The most plausible theory: Goat Highlander.

2

Mummified Woman Pays Her Bills ... for Six Years

When the house of a 49-year-old Pontiac, Michigan, woman recently foreclosed due to an unpaid mortgage, contractors were called in for repairs, whereupon they discovered copious amounts of black mold ... and a mummified woman sitting in her Jeep in the garage.

The woman -- who was a bit of a loner, estranged from her family, and, according to police, not a suicide -- had likely been dead for six years, ever since she was laid off from her bank job in 2008. Thanks to all of her bills being on auto-pay (and what we can only assume was a hefty sum of money in her bank account), she was able to successfully pay all of her bills from beyond the grave. But once her money ran out, her house went into foreclosure.

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"Can't get money from a stone. But a corpse? That we can work with."

It was further uncovered that roofers came out two years ago to repair the roof of the house, having no idea the occupant was dead inside. Also, just because you're a mummy doesn't mean that you can't vote, because she somehow did just that in the Michigan gubernatorial race four years ago. (At this point, we must point out that between her roof, the up-to-date bills, and participation in democracy, she achieved more life milestones in death than some of us have while breathing.)

1

Leaked Edward Snowden Documents ... Contain UFO Pictures

Just when we thought we had heard all of NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden's secrets -- from tracking our Angry Birds to spying on us while we in turn are spying on old high school paramours on Facebook -- another nugget of information has been released that made alien aficionados worldwide rejoice: documents containing images of a flying saucer soaring across the sky.

These images were released as part of a set of slides created by a British spy agency (presumably the same one that quashed the Moonraker plot). Although a few of the pictures have been dismissed as fakes, there's no denying that some are undoubtedly alien spacecraft:

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"It's definitely a UFO, a defecating seagull, or a sombrero levitating of its own volition. We're leaning toward psychic sombrero."

Hillery has a Twitter account, which you can follow here.

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