4 B.S. Christmas Stories the News Told You Were Real
Just because the holidays are here doesn't mean the Internet will take a break from doing what it does best: porno, porno, and blasting hogwash stories all across lazy news sites and your extremely gullible friends' Facebook walls. Here's another sack of viral turds for you, but hey, this time at least there's a little Santa hat on top!
(Even the "Midnight Ride of Paul Revere" story is a lie. Get The De-Textbook to find out who the real hero was, and why Longfellow screwed him over.)
No, a Guy Didn't Kill Himself Because His Girlfriend Wouldn't Stop Shopping
The mall can be pretty demanding during the holidays -- and just like '90s comedians taught us, so are the women. Right, fellas?
"Women be shoppin'! Men be droppin'! Headlines!"
Yikes. Apparently a shopper took holiday grump to a new level when he ejected himself off the seventh story of a mega mall after his girlfriend accused him of ruining Christmas by not letting her buy more shoes. This totally happened at the Golden Eagle Shopping Center in Chi-
"This story reportedly 'journalism.'"
Wait, China? You know what that means: bull-fucking-shit. A man did fall to his death in that shopping mall this month, but conspicuously absent from the original Chinese article are the words "suicide," "girlfriend," and "shoes." This was followed by other, sketchier Chinese sites speculating that, hey, maybe he jumped because he was shopping with his girlfriend. It was apparently at this point that our old friends at the Daily Mail allowed their imaginations to soar and embellished the tale with talk of excessive footwear and Grinch-ism allegations.
Oh, Daily Mail. You know you'll get us killed by aliens one day, right?
Nope, an Australian Town Didn't Ban Christmas Lights
Depending on how selective you are when hitting that "Confirm friend" button on Facebook, you may have seen the following story from Australia posted one or two hundred times:
"And then they stripped the mall Santa naked in front of the kids. Seriously."
You know this is some serious shit because PARTS OF IT ARE IN CAPS -- but, shockingly, not only is there no Christmas light ban in the town of Cardwell, but there isn't even an "Al Shalalah Mosque" there. Or any type of mosque. Despite such quibbles as "reality," the post went viral and even resulted in the town councilor receiving calls and emails asking her to lift the ridiculous ban ... from Muslim people around the world. By the way, this is what Cardwell looks like these days:
This is the dangerous outlaw sector. There are no rules.
Yep, the town is having their annual Christmas lights festival, which this year is irony-themed.
A Gaming Store Isn't Actually Selling "Christmas in a Tin"
"Shame not included, but available as Day One DLC."
That's the "Christmas Tinner" from GAME -- a British video game retailer that's apparently offering quick canned meals for walking (or sitting) nerd stereotypes who want to indulge in the obligatory holiday overeating without letting go of their joysticks. Finally, Brussels sprouts and Christmas pudding in one place! Unfortunately, no one can buy it right now since it's sold out ... and also because it doesn't actually exist.
A human being typed all of that without thinking "Wait, what?"
As pointed out by Geekosystem, the meal has been credited to Chris Godfrey, who isn't a canned food expert but rather a graphic designer who has staged a similar fake "meal-in-a-can" project in the past. While as easily attained as simply looking up the name, the Telegraph somehow missed this when quoting the creator -- no doubt a blow to a lot of sad gamers facing yet another Christmas of turkey Hot Pockets and guilty masturbation.
Sorry, Fox News, Schools Aren't Banning All Things Christmas
Did you hear? The "War on Christmas" has officially gone nuclear. Ground zero is an elementary school in Frisco, Texas, which apparently banned not only Christmas trees, but even the colors red and green! Can you believe that shit? No? Well, Fox News did:
"The color of grass is now 'other blue.' Blood is 'other other blue.' Wait, shit ..."
Amazingly, the article itself completely hand-waves the fact that the school says they did no such thing -- the story came from an unofficial email by a PTA member. Unfortunately, both the Mirror and the Daily Caller don't do research past reading headlines, so the story kept plowing along like Santa's magical sleigh, only in place of presents we get unbridled paranoia.
Meanwhile, Fox News Radio host Todd Starnes uncovered a Georgia school's conspiracy to abolish Christmas cards as part of a clear vendetta against Baby Jesus. The story spread to several other sites ... even though the school sent out a press release showing off their Christmas decorations.
"Bullshit, I know a Ramadan tree when I see one!"
Happy Time of Non-Specific Winter Solstice-Related Group Activities, everyone!