45 IRL Killer Things People Actually Said

Ever been in a situation where you were left speechless, only to think of something awesome to say way after the point? These guys didn't have that problem. We asked you to bring us the best one-liners history has to offer and gave $200 to the winner …

The fact is, we’ve all suffered from the curse of the ‘wit of the staircase’--when we’d only thought of the perfect, scathing one liner with which to skewer our nemeses on the way out the door. I guess that’s why we're not famous nation leading dynamos (as far as you know!). These men and women from the hallowed hall’s of history may have had their problems, but they did not lack for eloquence or timing.

They also didn’t lack for quick thinking people to remember and document their witty one liners and repartes.

So, join us if you will (and why wouldn’t you?) for a jaunt down the lane of some of the most epic one liners in history…

45 Entry by Karl Smallwood

Where the Hell do you put the bayonet? Chesty Puller, after seeing a flamethrower for the first time. CRACKEDCON

44 Entry by sirwillifer

At the time of the First World War, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but skilled a populace of riflemen. In 1912, Kaiser Wilhelm I asked what mil

43 Entry by Zapp Rowsdower

Screw the dialogue, let's wreck AVIS some cars. RERNESE - stuntman-turned-directorh Hal Needham

42 Entry by mkad

The first billion is a helluva lot harder. Oil tycoon T. Boone Picken's twitter response to the rapper Drake's tweet The first million is the harde

41 Entry by sirwillifer

AWAKE, IRON! Battle cy of the Almogavares, Medieval lberian mercenaries, CS they charged into battle scraping their 'weapons on stones to CIedte ish

40 Entry by Nicolae Horga

HAVE I PLAYED THE PART WELL? THEN APPLAUD AS I EXIT. LAST WORDS OF AUGUSTUS. THE FIRST ROMAN EMPEROR CRACKEDCON

39 Entry by AM Smiley

CRACKED GOM A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life. - Muhammad Ali

38 Entry by Dutch Rudder

I wish you all had one neck and that I had my hands on it CARL PANZRAME CRACKED COM

37 Entry by hotrod2001

Ladies and gentlemen, ! don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose. - Exce

36 Entry by krakenkraked

Alas, I'm dying beyond my means Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed CRACKED COM

35 Entry by Bruce_Wayne

After a failed assassination attempt, President Ronald Reagan says to the operating sur'geonS: I'I hope you're all Pepublicans. CRACKED cO

34 Entry by marcia78

CRACKEDCON Once I knew the depth where hope no was, and darkness lay the face of all Then on things. love Helen came and set my soul free. Keller

33 Entry by Jesus A. Rodriguez

I have no idea. People who boast about their 1.Q. are losers. -Stephen Hawking, CRACKED.COM when asked about his I.Q.

32 Entry by anakedjew

CRACKEDCO The eyes healed in a CON matter of a few days, as eyes heal quickly, mine just heal faster than anybody else. I was back in the strip chub h

31 Entry by DoctorNemesis

A personal message from Josip Broz Tito Joseph Stalim to Yugoslavian Communist revolutionary Soviet Dictator, mass-murderer and and frequent target of

30 Entry by ChevySpoons

In 1928, Nothing of the convicted sort. New York When asked murderer Appel for his last George words, Appel was to die replied, in the electric chair.

29 Entry by Jesus A. Rodriguez

Hurry it up! I want to be in hell in time for dinner. Edward H. Rulloff A noted philologist and criminal, said his last words before being the last

28 Entry by Lunachick71

CRACKEDC COM A man who won't die for something is not fit to live. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

27 Entry by The_Real_Sawyer

CRACKEDCON The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in

26 Entry by SerraGabrial

When I was a child, my mother said to me, If become you A soldier you'll be 2 general. If become you A monk you'll end pope. up as the Instead, I be

25 Entry by mand*

Sf you would not be forgotten, as S001 as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or Do things worth the writin. Benjamin rankli

24 Entry by Jesus A. Rodriguez

YeS... a bulletproof vest. James W. Rodgers, murderer, his answer on his final request before being executed by a firing squad. CRACKED.COM

23 Entry by crackblind

After fighting in court and staging a 25 day hunger strike for his right to be executed, as well as 2 suicide attempts, Gary Gilmore kissed his brothe

22 Entry by sureal

Retreat? Hell, just got here! we -US Marine Captain Lloyd Williams when advised to withdraw by a French officer near ucy-le-Bocage, 1 June 1918 BATT

21 Entry by S Peter Davis

In line with tradition, James Allan Red Dog was asked before his execution whether he had any last words. Y'ALL CAN KISS MY ASS.

20 Entry by ikcaj

WHILE THEY WERE SAYING AMONG THEMSELVES, 'IT CANNOT BE DONE', IT WAS DONE. -HELEN KELLER

19 Entry by RandomSam

Vae, puto deus fio! CI think I'm becoming a god!) -The dying wOrdS of Emperor Vespasian

18 Entry by CrazyGreek

CRAGKED AS HIS MARINES WERE PINNED DOWN DURING THE BATTTLE OF BELLEAU WOOD, GUNNERY SERGEANT DANIEL DALY SHOUTED TO HIS MEN: COME ON, YOU SONS OF BIT

17 Entry by The_brokenlink

Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds. J. Robert Oppenheimer (father of the atomic bomb) upon witnessing the first tests

16 Entry by Arrr0wmanc3r

Retreat Hell! We're just attacking in another direction. -Major General Oliver P. Smith CRACKED COM

15 Entry by SorenWinslow

CRACKED.COM I have the altar of God sworn upon eternal hostility against form every of tyranny the mind of over man. ~Thomas Jefferson

14 Entry by budgies_revenge

No damn man kills me and lives. Confederate General Nathan Bedford Forrest's response after being shot by a subordinate officer. Despite surving the

13 Entry by Marconi Rebus

Every normal must be man tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist that black flag, and begin slitting throats. -H.L. Mencken TI

12 Entry by The_Real_Sawyer

CRACKED.COM CfPi. HENRY Jim PIERSON CROWE YOU'lL NEVER GET A PURPLE HEfBT IDING IN fil FOXHOLE! FOLLOW ME!

11 Entry by Nicolae Horga

CRACKEDOON Don't fear failure. Not failure, but low aim, is the crime. In great attempts it is glorious even to fail. Bruce Lee

10 Entry by Karl Smallwood

Go fuck yourself General Paul von ttow-vorbeck After being asked to be a German ambassador by Hitler. CRACKEDCON

9 Entry by AM Smiley

CRACKED.COM I wish to have no connection to a ship which does not sail fast; for I intend to go into harm's way. -John Pau Jones

8 Entry by Nicolae Horga

CRACKED.COM My center is giving way, my right is retreating, situation excellent, I am attacking. Marshal Ferdinand Foch WW 1914

7 Entry by luvthecubs

YOU MAY ALL GO TO HELL AND I WILL GO TO TEXAS. -Davy Crockett CRACKED.COM

6 Entry by Matt Gallagher

If something bad haprens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good haprens you drir in order to celebrate. if nothing haprens you drink to

5 Entry by sirwillifer

T demolish my bridges behind -then there me is but forward. no choice FRidcjop Nansen - Norwcgian cxplorcr, rcnowncd scicntist, Nobcl pcacc prizc la

4 Entry by Zapp Rowsdower

During the 1974 Rumble in the Jungle, after taking everything George Foreman would throw for seven rounds, Muhammad Ali whispered, That all you got

3 Entry by Nicolae Horga

CRAGKED It's better to die on your feet than to live oN your knees. Emiliano Zapata JO5

2 Entry by Zapp Rowsdower

When RMS Titanic started to sink, one of the wealthiest passengers on the doomed ship, Benjamin Guggenheim, returned to his room, changed into his eve

1 Entry by KyraSoze

THE L GRoW Germa They've got us U.S ARMY surrounded again, Worid TH EEKLY HWAGARINE THIRD ARMOREDS those poor bastards.' CreightonAbrams CRACKED COM

Must Read

PICTOFACT

30 Times Facts About Famous People from the Past Made Us Question Everything

Et tu, Brute?

Authors: By Eric B, Cracked Writers
Published: September 21, 2023
Comments: 0

5 Ambitious Corporate Lawsuits That Backfired Hilariously

Your honor, we alone own the big monkey

Authors: By Eli Yudin
Published: September 21, 2023
Comments: 3

10 Funny Movies Coming This Oscar Season

Hollywood’s awards race is dominated by serious fare. But this year, bittersweet comedies, feel-good sports films and dark satires will be making an impact, too

Authors: By Tim Grierson
Published: September 21, 2023
Comments: 0

PICTOFACT

12 Unholy Bits of Trivia Wrought Upon the World by an Inquisitive God

Better trivia than locusts!

Authors: By Jesse
Published: September 20, 2023
Comments: 1

The 75 Greatest Phil Hartman ‘SNL’ Sketches, According to His Castmates and Writers

On what would have been Hartman’s 75th birthday, we celebrate with 75 of his funniest ‘SNL’ bits