The news these days is pretty much like Napoleon Dynamite's uncle Rico -- full of shit, bad ideas, and is kind of depressing. And, yeah, it probably has a mustache, because why not?

Luckily for you, our readers have taken this week's popular headlines and stripped them of all the bullshit so you can quickly digest all the important stuff, and spend as little time with a sad, creepy uncle as possible.

Entry by bazooka

CNN Money U.S. tickers The Feed Burger King exposes wiener CING CRACKEDOON

Entry by foxjasond

FIFAcor Governance FOOTBALL GOVERNANCE Investigation confirms top FIFA official is corrupt; the sky is blue; bears s#%* in the woods (FIFA.com) 12 Feb

Entry by Kevin King

VARIETY 0GD Editions: U.S SIGN IN Search FILM TV- DIGITAL CON'TENDERS VIDEO DIR Audiences finally sick of seeing Johnny Depp Justin Kroll Film Reporte

Entry by ColorMe_Yosh

Republicans honor Scalia's devotion to the Constitution by ignoring it to delay successor's appointment Dy PERRY BACON JR. and CARRIE DANN The death o

Get the Cracked Newsletter!

Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!

We are offering so many opportunities for you to win some dough that it'd be insane if you didn't get in on this. Aside from our photoplasties ($100 per contest) and GIFs ($150 per contest) we are paying out 10 winners for our macro contests. And YES, you can win all 10 spots ($350 payout) if you've got the skills to blow our minds that many times.

Forgot Password?