The Man Who Was Killed By His Own Beard

A 16th-century Dutch mayor named Hans Staininger had the most magnificent face full of whiskers the world had ever seen — a hirsute magnificence that ultimately proved to be his undoing

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20 Things We Suspect Customer Service Staff Are Really Doing

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STAFF ONLY

We've all been there: You're working with customer service. You waited 30 minutes to just talk to a human. Then you went on hold. Then they transferred you and waited another 30 minutes for your turn. Then that cheese dick transferred you. And that's when you begin to wonder just what the fuck is going on on the other end of the line.

We asked our readers to use the power of image manipulation to answer that question and gave money for the best answer. The winner is below, but first the runners-up ...

Entry by Mgloss

118 73:17 4% Callers In Queue Average Queue Wait Time Connected 519 355 101 E* 9 Total Call Queued Maximum Queue Length Times Queue Full Queue Exits 0

Entry by Paka

CRACKEDcC COM FPEALANCTT KIRKLAND WONTONS KIRKLAND KIRKLAND KUNG PAO SAUCE FRIED RICF

Entry by Mgloss

I'd like a medium Filet O-Fish meal with Fries and a Diet Coke. User 0000 00001 14/1220111144-12 Loeoed P0 001 FC Opened Manager 0 9 Impatient drive

We are offering so many opportunities for you to win some dough that it'd be insane if you didn't get in on this. Aside from our photoplasties ($100 per contest) and GIF contest ($150), we are paying out 10 winners for our macro contests. And YES, you can win all 10 spots ($350 payout) if you've got the skills to blow our minds that many times.

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