This is the guy who literally cleans up blood for a living, so presumably, he can head to the front desk, ask for a room change, and give them his card in case they ever need better gore-cleaning in the future. But: "The hotel said they had no record of anything ever happening. I brought a bunch of pictures to the police, and they claimed they had no records either. Hell, I even talked to cold case, and again, no records of anything happening in this room."
The best the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police could come up with is that it wasn't a person who'd been murdered, but a can of ravioli or something. "They told me somebody had probably thrown some food up there, as if I hadn't already seen 10,000 crime scenes exactly like this before in my career ... I would bet everything I owned that somebody died in that room ..."
It's actually kind of hard to come up with an explanation that isn't, at the very least, super weird. Maybe they shot themselves but survived, and then checked out like normal? Maybe they shot an animal? Filled a Super Soaker with pig's blood as a bachelor party prank? Chopped off their penis and whipped the blood everywhere while screaming?
Related: I Watch People Die For A Living: 4 Things I've Learned
Sometimes A Guy Will Up And Chop Off His Penis
The good news is that not everybody who stays in a hotel has died. Sometimes they will in fact just hack their dick off because the Devil tells them to. According to Cillian (and these news articles we just found), somebody slicing their own penis off -- whether in hotels or elsewhere -- isn't as uncommon as you'd think.
"A pretty big hotel called about a guy who told the front desk that Satan was telling him to cut his penis off. Eventually, they sent somebody up, and what do you know, he'd actually done it. But he did it perfectly -- unlike one guy I'd worked with who tried to hack his penis off with car keys. At least this guy used a pretty sharp blade, but it was still like somebody filled a squirt gun full of blood and shot it all over the room -- walls, everywhere. They also couldn't re-attach it, which was weird, because he'd done such a good job cutting it, unlike the key guy, who did get his re-attached."
And of course, since Satan was involved, Cillian realized they'd eventually need a priest. "Because many of the housekeepers were Catholic, they absolutely refused to go on that side of the hotel -- you know, because of Satan. Word had gotten out, so I suggested to management that they call up the Catholic Church and get a priest to come in and bless their room or have an exorcism or whatever and invite the housekeepers. That's what they did, and it satisfied everybody. I've had to call priests several other times as well. Always does the trick."
So maybe nobody died in your room; they just sprayed their dick blood over every conceivable surface. But it's OK, it's probably also been blessed by a priest. Plan your next vacation accordingly!
Jordan Breeding also writes for a whole mess of other people, the Twitter, and a weird amount of gas station bathrooms.
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