"Not sure if this thing was ever lodged in this doctor's ass at some point, but it was still in its box. To think that this dude's mom was fighting to get this enormous fake cock, kind of makes you hope that kind old lady loses out to the so-called girlfriend (who was some money-grubbing 'actress' who I had actually recognized from some of her previous work). That enormous monstrosity just sat on the top of the closet as I continued logging everything else in the apartment. Staring at me."
Having learned entirely too much about this deceased stranger's boner, Jack moved on to the kitchen.
Item 2: Cocaine
"I found the ball of coke in the kitchen drawer," Jack says, and this is where his naivete shines through. "Being that I was homeschooled up until sophomore year of high school, when I found the coke, I wasn't even sure what I found. I had never gotten to see hard drugs firsthand. Because my best friend at the time was the 'worst' influence I knew, I thought that he'd know whether it was actually coke. (I wanted to make sure whether I should mention it to my boss or not or write it on the list.) He came over and he saw it."
Since he was homeschooled, be glad his best friend with all the drug knowledge wasn't his Mom.
Inviting this friend over turned out to be the first in a long line of terrible decisions. If you've ever seen a teen comedy, you know what happened next.
"Being that he wasn't completely into coke either, he was wary to taste it, so he called HIS worst influence friend," Jack goes on. "This guy had no problem tasting it -- he even tried some. Then he came up with the idea to sell it and get cash for it -- which my best friend was interested in, but neither had ever sold coke before, so he called his dealer to try it. Within half an hour, there was a freaking coke-party at this dead dude's apartment." And to complete the teen party movie bingo, "There was a cute girl that came with the second friend, so I let the whole thing happen so she'd stick around."
TVTropes has a whole page for "Hero gets the cute girl by jacking her up with cocaine."