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In BDSM, Collars Are The Equivalent Of Wedding Rings

When you get down to it, people in BDSM and regular "think buying a dildo is the kinkiest thing ever" relationships aren't all that different. They fight, they cry, they laugh, and when they finally find that special someone, they want to put a ring on it. Only with the BDSM crowd, "it" means their partner's neck.

"Essentially, a collar would be the BDSM equivalent of a wedding ring," says Rain, an experienced BDSM educator. "There is a lot of ritual associated with them. People have collaring ceremonies for their submissives [which] are essentially the equivalent of a wedding ceremony."

These collars are sacred objects, according to Julie. "Outsiders are not supposed to touch them without permission. They're usually regarded as very special ... the submissive body is sort of owned by the dom, who is seen as giving it to them ... I was at a ceremony that took place at a consecrated BDSM dungeon at a pagan BDSM event. It's very much like a wedding ceremony ... the main thing that's different is there's no kids at the collaring ceremony."

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Dealing With "Vanillas" Is A Weird Balancing Act

Just to be clear, people heavily into BDSM don't think of it as just a quirk -- they see it almost as a separate sexual orientation. There are actual BDSM guides about coming out as kinky to "vanilla people" and even columnists talking about how kinky and unkinky people just don't work. Hell, some BDSM writers feel ashamed that they are capable of having sex without chains, whips or handcuffs. It's a key to their identity.

But they are, of course, living in a majority-vanilla world. Depending on your audience, revealing that you're into BDSM might get you treated as a joke, a creepy deviant, or the coolest couple in the room. This means making compromises.

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It also involves learning the difference between "No dress code" and "Wear whatever you want."

Like with the collars we mentioned above -- Julie explained that the hardcore tend to have "day collars" suitable for wearing in public and others for when it's time to hoist their freak flag. "I have given a collar to my male partner, but it's very much tailored to his tastes ... he really likes being choked with bicycle chains, and so I actually found someone on Etsy who makes silver jewelry that looks like bicycle chains ... I gave them that too him for his fancy dress collar that he does not wear in public. And I gave him a bracelet that he refers to as a day collar."

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There Are Prejudices And Taboos In The BDSM Community, Too

One would think that the second you strap on leather underwear and/or an actual strap-on, you lose all right to ever criticize two consenting adults for the stuff that makes them happy in their bathing suit areas. One would also be super wrong on that account. For example, throughout this article the sources have been using the terms "dominant" and "submissive" as if they're set in stone, a fixed part of a person's orientation. Well, when someone alternates between the two roles (known as a "Switch" in the community), that doesn't always go over so well.

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It Can All Be Surprisingly Routine

There are people in long-term BDSM relationships all around you, whether you know it or not. In between tying each other to racks and heating up branding irons, they do stuff like raise children together. Julie explained that most couples she knows don't go out of their way to explain their kink to the rest of the family, but added that, "Kids usually find out. And they usually find out pretty young."

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There's only so many places you can hide a full-sized medieval rack while the kids are still awake.

She told us about a conversation between a woman she knew and her preteen daughter. "The mother asked, 'Do you think it's weird that your mommy wears a collar?' [and the kid responded], 'Mommy it would be weird if you didn't wear a collar.' The kids kind of grow up with that being more normalized."

That's because on a day-to-day basis, a BDSM marriage is normal as hell. "It's super important to recognize that the vast majority of these relationships ... are almost comically vanilla," says Julie, "in the sense that you would never know these people are in a kinky relationship unless you talked with them. We have this image of a BDSM relationship as sort of passionately violent and violently passionate ... most of the ones that last long term are more based around service than they are around masochism."

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"What a beautiful, perfect day together. What do you want to do next, frozen yogurt or electric nipple torture?"

In other words, a "slave" in a long-term relationship spends a lot less time in a gimp suit than they spend, say, making their "master" breakfast, or cleaning the house for him. Elaborate dungeon play sessions are too exhausting to be the core of a long-term relationship. Not that people haven't tried doing long-term BDSM partnerships that are all whips and no conversation. We're not saying it's impossible, but ...

"The idea of engaging in BDSM without love makes no sense to me," says Rain, "but I do know a lot of Masters and slaves that try to just stick to strict BDSM without emotions or entanglements. To that I say, 'Ha! Good luck with that.' We're humans."

OK, make that two human needs more urgent than sex.

Rain DeGrey is an international educator, writer, presenter and performer that has been writing articles and teaching classes, focusing on kink and sex education, since 2009. Her teaching credentials include lecturing at Harvard and Northwestern University. She spends her time teaching classes, writing articles, her online advice column, and providing one-on-one coaching to select clients. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, FetLife, and raindegrey.com. Valleycat runs Sunderland Munch once a month with her husband, and pops up at kink events around the U.K. Julie has a blog Slut, Ph.D. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c.j.strusiewicz@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter.

For more insider perspectives, check out 7 Strange Realities Of BDSM '50 Shades of Grey' Leaves Out and I Am A Professional 'Submissive' Sex Worker: 6 Realities.

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