The speaker who followed Johnny Trust-Fund's theories about language was a middle-aged native man. He noted that Sacred Stone hasn't had much of a presence in the recent actions, and urged the young people around him to show up the next day. "If you can't get arrested, for whatever reason, that's fine... but if you are arrestable, please show up," he said, before noting that many of the frontline protesters could no longer afford another arrest without risking a felony. And with that, those signs we saw on all the porta-potties made sense:
There's a lot of idealism on display at Standing Rock, but at the center of it all is cold pragmatism. Hundreds of native water protectors have already been arrested (some of them were kept in dog kennels), and at this point, many of them have pending court cases. And we should probably note that Native Americans vie with African Americans every year for the "Highest Rate of Death By Cop" trophy. Ridiculous hipsters are more than welcome if they're willing to take one for the team. It's not quite "weaponized white privilege," but damned if that wouldn't be a catchy name for it.
Being "arrestable" isn't necessarily safe. Like I mentioned before, one "arrestable" woman nearly lost a damn arm (so far, they've raised $424,000 for her care). But even after the water cannons, volunteers continued showing up at the actions. Thousands of them are still camped out in Arctic As Fuck conditions. Some of them might think fluoride is a secret plot by the Reptiloids to poison our semen, but they've all agreed on one thing: keeping oil out of the fucking water supply.
Also: adding signs to signs.
The biggest lesson of Standing Rock might be "We don't have to like each other to work together." There was a surprising amount of discord between camps. The first people we met in Sacred Stone were outright hostile to the elders at the big camp. One man said, "The elders approved the pipeline. The youth stood up. Now the elders want to give us commands?"
Standing Rock's story is like the bizarro-world version of the 2016 election: A whole bunch of people with very different beliefs and backgrounds came together to fight against one thing they all agreed was awful. A source at Sacred Stone told us "there have almost been camp wars" between his camp and the big camp, but also noted that, "We're all here to stop the pipeline."
The fact that the lights of the pipeline construction sites overlooked us at all times may have helped with the sense of unity. It's easier to find the motivation to fight the Death Star when it's looming above you.
You can donate to Standing Rock here.
Robert Evans experimented with strange traditional drugs in his new book A Brief History of Vice. Tamlin Magee is a freelance writer and technology journalist. You can troll or commission him at @posadistintl on Twitter dot com.
For more check out Signs Of A Creepy Government Conspiracy At Standing Rock and 8 Huge Stories Nobody Paid Attention To In 2016.
Have a story to share with Cracked? Email us here.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel and check out The Truth Behind Every Internet Conspiracy Theory and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook. Fight the power!
2016 is almost over. Yes the endless, rotten sh*t hurricane of a year which took away Bowie, Prince and Florence Henderson and gave us Trump, Harambe and the Zika virus is finally drawing to a close. So, to give this b*tch a proper viking funeral, Jack O'Brien and the crew are going to send out 2016 with Cracked's year in review in review. They'll rectify where every other year-in-review goes wrong by giving some much needed airtime to the positive stories from the 2016 and shedding light on the year's most important stories that got overlooked.
Get your tickets for this LIVE podcast here!