There were more lines like that, and many of the others auditioning giggled like schoolgirls while saying them. Each was turned away. But a few others and me managed to do it totally deadpan. That was it -- we were hired. And once I eventually settled into my desk and headset, holding back laughter would prove to be downright essential.
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They paid my rent. They could use any produce-related dick metaphor they wanted.
At first, I'd want to laugh out of nervousness or sheepishness, but other times, it was at the off-the-wall shit coming out of these people's mouths. I remember, for example, the first time a caller busted out with the word "man-pussy." I ask, "Your what?" He replies, "My man-pussy. You know ... my asshole." If I'd burst out laughing, I'd probably have lost that caller. Thankfully, there was a mute button.
At least once I did burst out laughing. I do my greeting, the guy sounds confident, and I'm like, "So, what are you up to?" He says, "I'm just here at work, and I have a few minutes, so I thought I'd have some fun." And once we get into it a bit, I hear a loud knock and a very high-pitch sort of yelp. "Gotta go!" he says, followed by the abrupt hang-up of a guy whose boss has just caught him with his very non-metaphorical dick in his hands.
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"You know those spammers, sir. Always trying to sell me large bananas."
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