Can't shave? Grow a beard. Can't see the Magic Eye poster? Stop traveling back in time to the '90s. These aren't problems. But car accidents are pretty serious, and they happen twice as often to people with severely impaired depth perception. In spite of that risk, everyone we spoke to drives, insisting they can judge distances by the size of cars and other objects around them.
Which is similar to what other people do, only with penis size instead of distances.
"Every now and then, I'll have to stop a little harder than I thought when I started hitting the brake," CJ fails to reassure us, "but for the most part, all the challenges from a lack of depth perception are offset by the various points around me I can use for reference. Things like the lane divider lines, signs and trees, even other cars around me."
To be fair, when CJ was in college and sports became a game instead of a sorting mechanism to catch nerds, he learned that years of adjusting to having one eye made him reasonably good at judging the distance of an object even as fast and small as a baseball. He won't be playing for Whoever Your Favorite Team Is Please Don't Hurt Us anytime soon, but he wasn't terrible. Ben's Cyclops syndrome went away eventually, too. It's even possible to shrink your blind spot with training. There are also ways to compensate for things you can't just will your brain to do, like having peripheral vision.
Which used to require taking a belt sander to the bridge of your nose.
"I generally have an odd side-to-side swing of my head to keep everything in my vision," Kaitee says. She doesn't even notice she's doing that anymore, and she only occasionally gets comments likening her to a grazing mare.
But you've still got the problem of an unsettling gaping hole in your face, and for that, there are glass eyes. Their entire purpose is to make people who have to look at you more comfortable, but when you're a troll, everything looks like a bridge, so CJ's and Ben's glass eyes find plenty of traffic in the opposite business. With each of them, the go-to trick for freaking people out is sticking a Nerf dart on his eye, right on the pupil. As he looks from side to side, the dart waggles and points in different directions.
Here's a photo of CJ. And here's a GIF of Ben:
Don't worry -- when you pull the dart off, the eye only comes out like 10 percent of the time.
His cat is deeply weirded out by it, and so are we. And so are you. So is everybody, Ben. Damn.
Ryan Menezes is an editor and interviewer here at Cracked. Follow him on Twitter for bits cut from this article and other stuff no one should see.
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